Page 5 of Love at Full Tilt
As I watch those three ellipses blink in response to her typing, no doubt to offer some other way to make sure I’m in constant contact with her, it feels like that hand is still grabbing for me, even hundreds of miles away.
Lia
I’ll be okay, Mom. I will check in, morning and evening. I promise.
(8:53 PM)
Lia
I love you.
(8:54 PM)
Mom
I love you too, pumpkin. Kisses to the girls.
(8:55 PM)
Across the room, Tess watches me from her mess of maps. “Is the new medication not helping?”
I shrug. “It’s gotten her panic attacks under control, but her compulsions are still there. Her doctor wants to give it a few more months before they try something else.” Which means who knows how many more weeks of me shouldering all her worries.
I spend an unnecessary amount of time plugging in my phone before shoving our swag to the floor and flopping across the empty bed. My shoulders are so tense they’re practically pinned together.
Issy’s brown eyes are wide. “I’m so sorry, Lia.”
I hold out my hands in a silent oh well.
The soft light of the bedside lamp makes the sparkles in my silver polish glisten like the twinkle lights wreathing the Starshatter Hotel.
“It’s not your fault. It’s not really hers either, which is what makes it so hard.
I have nowhere to put all this….” I shrug hard against the mattress.
Before graduation, I at least had volleyball.
Games gave me something else to focus on, and spiking and serving the ball as hard as I could often felt like relief.
Sometimes, I’d sneak into the gym early and kick balls against the wall until I’d worked up enough sweat to need a shower.
Coach Christie caught me once, but she let me keep at it without a word.
After that day, there was always an army of soccer balls waiting to greet me when I arrived in the morning.
But that’s over now, and the only thing I can do with my anger is swallow it. Or try to drown it in the things I love. Like my friends. And Fableland. That’s what I want to think about right now.
Tess lies back down on the floor and makes a show of gathering her notebook and crossing out tomorrow morning’s itinerary. With a smile, she declares, “Dudley’s Tailspin, first thing, itis!”
I let my mind wander as she revises her plans.
I imagine the wind in my hair as we zoom around a roller-coaster track.
I picture my arms in the air as we dip over one of those huge drops.
I dream about the stories I’ve loved my whole life coming alive around me.
That’s all it takes to slow my heart, dash away my racing thoughts.
Fableland truly is made of magic.
Issy leans over the bed to peer at Tess’s notes. “Do you really think it’s wise to do Chester’s Infinite Climb right after lunch?”
Tess has made a priority list for the morning (with my clues at the top), and the rest of the day is planned down to the minute. “Winging it” only goes so far with her.
“That thing has two massive drops and some wicked corkscrews,” I point out. Even the “ride with me” videos make me queasy.
Tess shakes her head. “According to FableWiki, the line for Chester is never less than an hour. We’ll have plenty of digestion time.”
I guzzle some water and settle into the wall of pillows I’ve stacked against the headboard. “If my lunch decides to revisit, I plan to make you the target.”
Tess nods with exaggerated seriousness. “I accept this fate.”
“I guess we’re done, then, right? Tomorrow’s all set?” Issy picks up the clicker and aims it at the TV. “This romance movie isn’t going to watch itself.”
“Wait. There’s one more thing.” Tess points a finger in theair.
“How is that possible?” Issy waves at the stacks of maps folded neatly next to my piles of research. “You’ve prepared for every possible scenario or alternate dimension.”
“Seriously,” I add. “I’m surprised you don’t have an action plan for if Godzilla shows up.”
“Kaiju attacks are obviously covered in my emergency protocol,” Tess says. I can’t tell if she’s joking. “But we need a plan for when one of you meets someone. Do you want chaperones? Space? Do we initiate girl code?”
“Tess,” Issy groans.
“I know. I know. You like being ‘chronically’ single.” Her sigh is long and dramatic.
“But let’s be serious. We’re on vacation, and this park gets an average of fifty thousand visitors a day.
Odds are, at least one of you is going to stumble upon someone…
interesting.” She waggles her eyebrows with that last word.
I snort. “Girls like me don’t meet people just walking around.
” Which was exactly how Tess met her current girlfriend, Grace.
They were at Target, both of them in the office supply aisle, Grace looking for planners, Tess searching for the best pens.
Their eyes met, and that was it. It’s been almost a year, and they’re still going strong.
They’re even going to try to make it work at different colleges.
But people don’t see me the way they see Tess and Issy.
“What do you mean ‘girls like me’?” Tess demands, as if we haven’t had this conversation a million times.
I pick at an invisible piece of lint on my leggings. “Fat girls.”
“Screw that, you’re not fat,” Tess says with a scowl.
Issy reaches across from the other bed to squeeze my arm. “Lia, you know I hate when you use that word. It’s so ugly. And so not true.”
Except it is. I am fat. My body has fat on it.
And when they insist otherwise—like they always do—it feels disingenuous, whether they mean it to or not.
Just like when we go shopping at straight-size stores and they ask me if I found anything cute, when they have to be aware that nothing in the store fits me.
I swallow against the words bubbling up my throat.
My friends mean well, but they’ve been thin their whole lives.
They don’t understand what it’s like to live in a body that is viewed as too much, as unhealthy, as gross.
It’s so rare to see someone who looks like me on TV or in a movie or a book who isn’t trying to lose weight or always stuffing their faces.
Even in my favorite Fable Industry movies, the rounder characters are always the butt of a joke or the villain.
If I win this money, I want to get a job in the company’s film division and find a way to pitch a story about a fat princess with the brains of Elorra and the style and confidence of Regina from Percivel Night.
I want little kids to see that plus-size people do more than eat or trip over themselves or make jokes.
We can be love interests. Heroes. Geniuses.
We can go on quests and solve riddles and vanquish the villain and save the world as well as any thin person.
We can get into contests and win.
“The last thing I need right now is some kind of vacation fling. I can’t let anything derail me from this contest.”
“Okay, but what about that hot guy you were talking to at the welcome event?” Tess jabs her hands onto her hips. “You weren’t exactly in a rush to get away from him.”
My back stiffens. “I wanted to know what he was reading.” And how he managed not to notice that I fell over his chair. Dwelling on how attractive Mason is and how tall he must be and how his eyes are all the colors at once is not going to help me win. “Plus, he’s going to be my competition.”
“Rivals to lovers!” Issy yells, thrusting her hands into the air. I toss a pillow at her head.
Tess sighs and unfolds herself from the floor. “I think you’re putting too much pressure on all this. You have a solid job waiting for you. No student loans. No rent. No matter what happens, you’re good.”
I fight off a cringe. “I don’t want that to be my forever, though.” I’m not sure I even want it to be my right now.
“What do you want?” Issy asks quietly.
“This.” I wave around me, hoping it’s enough of an explanation for now.
I never talk about this out loud. I rarely let the thought pass through my own head fully formed before chasing it away.
It feels like such a betrayal of my parents, to not want this thing they’ve worked so hard to give me.
But I don’t. “So no hot strangers for Lia.”
“Or Issy,” she echoes.
The smirk on Tess’s face tells me she’s not done. “Not even if it’s the Elorra or Oliver performers?” she asks with a wink.
This is what I get for admitting to them that I thought Elorra was pretty hot for a cartoon. Beyond labeling myself “not quite straight,” I’m still figuring things out, but Tess is convinced I’m one Elorra cosplayer away from my bi-awakening.
She looks primed to keep this conversation going into infinity, so I kick out my legs and grab for the remote. “Don’t we have a rom-com to watch?” According to the description, this one has some of my favorite things: a second-chance romance, academic rivals, and book nerds.
I’m convinced there are few things more attractive than a person who likes to read. It’s never been lost on me that both Elorra and Oliver have countless books crammed in their pockets and jackets the entire movie. Sure, Oliver stole his, but all the same.Hot.
The thought only causes my mind to drift back to Mason and his book. I shake my head to chase him away. I meant what I said. No distractions.
No plans but winning.