Page 10

QETESH

It should feel strange to lie in a bed with someone for the first time, but that wasn't what it felt like to have Jacob beside me. I could hear him breathing, and knew that he wasn't asleep.

But did that mean he'd want to talk to me?

"Thank you for letting me stay in here tonight," I said softly.

"It's no problem," he said.

"I like your choice of shirt. It's really comfy." I reached out to touch the fabric.

"It's one of my favourites," he admitted. "It's old and worn, but it's comfortable, and that makes it perfect for travelling. I was going to wear it on Sunday when I drove home."

"I'm sorry to have stolen your travel shirt."

"That's okay, this is also a good use for it," he promised.

"It's a nice end to a good night," I whispered.

"It is."

I let out a small sigh of relief. It was nice to hear him say it, and there was no doubt in my mind that he meant it.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"I think I owe you answers to a dozen questions for tonight," I joked.

Jacob chuckled, the sound rich and deep. Welcoming. I liked it. "How long have you known you were ace?"

I took a deep breath. That wasn't the question I expected him to ask, but it was reasonable that he wanted to know the answer. "A few thousand years. I mean, I didn't have a name for it then, but I knew that I wasn't interested in sex the same way other people were."

"Wow, that's a long time," he said.

"It is." I was glad it was dark. It made the admission come easier, especially when it wasn't one I'd made at any other point in my life.

"Was that before or after you became known as a sex goddess?"

"I don't actually know," I admitted. "I didn't keep much track of what people were worshipping me for, it's not like I can do much about any of it. People have called me a lot of things. A goddess of nature, sex, beauty, protection, fertility..."

"That's a busy roster."

"It's nothing compared to some of the other gods. If you want a long list, you should ask Hathor."

"I'm not very used to making small talk with gods," he pointed out.

"And yet you work for one."

He chuckled. "Aine didn't reveal that to me until after she'd offered me the contract."

"Did you consider turning it down when you found out?" I asked curiously.

"Yes. But she offered me a great salary, and the job is close to Ella and our parents. That was too good to turn down, even if the risks of annoying a god were greatly increased by taking the job."

"Do you regret it?"

"No. It's a good job. And even if I haven't used some of the benefits available to me, it's an attractive package, especially if I want to start dating."

"Do you? You said you were open to it."

"Yes, but I'm hesitant." He sighed, and there was a slight movement from the other side of the bed. "I don't mind sex, it can be fun, with the right person and the right situation, but...finding that can be tough."

I stayed silent, waiting for him to elaborate if he wanted to, but not wanting him to feel like I was pushing him further than he wanted to go.

"My ex said that she understood, and that she respected my boundaries, but when it came to it, she didn't," he said.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"Not your fault," he reminded me. "She just didn't understand that my body responding didn't mean that I wanted to have sex thrust upon me.

If she wanted it, all she had to do was ask if we could that night, or something like that.

I wouldn't have said no very much. But she'd just start touching me and expect that to work.

Then she'd get angry because her touching me would work in as far as I'd get hard, but I'd still say that I didn't want to have sex.

She couldn't understand that I didn't want that. "

"Oh, Jacob."

"It's okay. I ended it with her once I realised it was never going to change. But it's made me wary of dating. One of my other exes was also ace, and things were easier on that front."

"But on others?"

"We weren't compatible. He wanted a family, and I definitely wasn't ready for that. I'm still not sure that I am. But that was the end of the relationship."

"That's hard."

"Yeah. It was after the last relationship that I started wearing the ring on my right hand.

I figured that I could be open to dating, while not pursuing it, but the ring might help with knowing who could be trusted to respect my sexuality.

" From the movement of his arms in the dark, I had to assume he was touching the finger where his ace ring would go.

"Does it work?"

"Good question. You're one of the few people who has known what it is."

"I have one of my own," I whispered. "I've never worn it outside the house."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm supposed to be a sex goddess. Or the goddess of sacred ecstacy , whatever that means."

"I have to assume orgasms."

I laughed despite myself. "I guess I do give good orgasms. But it's not related to my magic, kind of. Being a goddess is complicated."

"It sounds like it."

"I feel like I can't really talk about how I feel about sex because people don't understand. Most of the other love gods seem to adore sex."

"Have you ever asked them about their opinions?"

"No," I responded.

"Then you can't really assume to know what they think," he pointed out. "If you've not told any of them about how you feel, then it would seem reasonable to assume that some of them feel the same. Maybe even Aine."

"Aine isn't ace," I said firmly. "But I concede to the rest of your point.

And it's not that I don't like sex. I feel like you do.

It can be fun, but I don't want to be surprised by it.

The thing is, that's not what people expect from a goddess like me.

I've not really had many relationships, and they've been spaced out over the decades.

And it's been a while since I had sex with anyone at all. It's just easier not to."

"What's a while to an immortal?"

I frowned and stared at the ceiling while I tried to work it out. "I'm not sure. Five years or so? I don't really count. What about for you?"

"About two, I think."

I nodded, even though he couldn't see it. "If you were with someone else who was ace and sex positive, would you have sex with them?"

"Asking for yourself?" he joked.

I cleared my throat. "I guess I'm just asking because I haven't had many chances to actually talk to other people who feel the same way I do."

"I'm just teasing," he responded. "If they wanted to, then I'd be up for it, just as something fun we could do together. But I don't imagine it would be often."

"No, I don't think I'd want that either," I said softly. "It is nice to talk to someone who understands that."

"I suppose now could be a good time to ask you on a date, then."

I froze. "A date?"

"Dinner, maybe. Or a movie if you prefer, though there won't be any making out in the back row if we do that, I actually want to watch the movie."

I laughed. "Fair enough."

"So, would you like to?"

"Is that wise?" I asked. "We sort of work together..."

"In that our boss is the same person," he pointed out. "But if you don't want to, I understand."

"No, that's not what I'm saying," I responded quickly. "I guess I was just worried about work. And Ella. How would she respond?"

"I wasn't planning on telling her straight away."

"That makes a lot of sense. I'm sorry, I'm not very good at any of this. I've really not had much experience."

"You don't need to be good at it," he assured me. "All you need to do is decide if you want to go out to dinner with me. One where my sister is nowhere near."

"Yes, I'd like that."

"There's no sex afterwards," he joked.

I laughed. "If I thought there was a risk of that, I'd be saying no." I took a deep breath. "Which isn't to say that I don't think sex with you would be fun, I'm sure it is."

"I'd like to think so. And if the date goes well, we can find out at some point."

"But only if we plan it."

"Yes." There was something like relief in his voice. "Really, we've already talked about the hardest part."

I laughed. "Have you forgotten that I'm an immortal goddess?"

"Actually, I kind of had. Is that another hard conversation?"

"I guess so. I don't age, and I'm probably not going to die. That has to be something you're okay with."

"I have to ask...you're probably not going to die?" There was a curiosity in his voice that I should have expected.

"Well, I heal at the normal rate for any dryad, so I have to assume that if I suffered from a fatal accident, then it would kill me. But I have no proof of that, because I've never been in a fatal accident."

"Ah, fair enough. But shouldn't my mortality be more of something that should be a deal breaker for you?"

"That depends on whether you'd ever consider immortality," I said.

"I didn't realise that was something I could consider."

"It's not hard to do," I said. "All gods are capable of it.

But I think that is something we would need to talk about.

I think I'm theoretically okay with whatever a partner would want when it came to immortality, but I don't think that will stop it from hurting if they choose to leave me through death. "

"Ah, understandable," he said softly. "I guess I've never really thought about it. But I guess I'm open to talking about immortality. I suppose it has its downsides."

"Several thousand years is a long time," I said. "And the people around you die. I've said goodbye to more people than I could tell you tonight."

"What do you do to remember them?" he asked.

"What makes you think I do anything?"

"Just a hunch."

"I have a series of journals," I said. "Though some of the earlier ones are papyrus scrolls.

When I lose someone who means something to me, I write down everything I can think of about them, and I draw their picture.

Now, I add a photo, if I have one, but I still draw them.

When I'm feeling like I miss someone, I look over their page, and then start reading the others.

It makes me cry, but it also makes me feel close to the people I've lost, and there's something beautiful about that, even if it hurts. "

"That is beautiful," he said. "Is that what you'd do for me? If we worked and I chose to die?"

"It's what I've done for a couple people I've had relationships with before. There's one I haven't added because they're immortal, and the rest ended badly, so I never put them in."

"I'm sorry about that."

"I'm not. They weren't right for me."

"Even so, I'm sorry they couldn't see what an amazing person you are."

I didn't really have anything I could say in response to that. Instead, I reached out across the bed and took his hand in mine, enjoying how well they fit together, even if it was something new.

Sometimes, things just felt right, and I was looking forward to finding out where this went next.