Page 18 of Liberator (Serpent Sinners MC #2)
Chapter 18
“I don’t like discussing this shit. It’s personal, and I don’t understand it all myself. I’m a fucking Serpent Sinner, not some pansy assed accountant who needs to get in touch with his feelings. Just leave me the hell alone. I’ll figure it all out sooner or later,” I demanded.
Colt roared with laughter drawing all eyes to us, including Vikki’s. I wanted nothing more than to dig a damn hole and crawl into it. This touchy, feely shit was beyond my comprehension. I wanted it to go away.
Instead, Colt started yapping again. This time it wasn’t about the touchy, feely shit but about my past. His words hit me harder than I imagined they could.
“Anger isn’t the answer to everything. The name you took when you joined the MC fits you well, but you don’t have to keep proving it. I can attest to the fact that you hit first and ask questions later. That kind of shit is perfect for a Sinner. It’s saved our asses over and over again. Yet, there are times when it brings us more trouble when you jump to conclusions like you did with me. Our enemies aren’t so forgiving. They retaliate.”
“I fix it when that happens. No one’s gotten killed because of it,” I argued.
“Not yet. But it’s bound to happen sooner or later. You’ve covered for yourself pretty well most of the time, and when you haven’t Prime has done it for you. He’s got your back. But what if your rage does get one of us killed? What if it’s Vikki? She’s going to be out there with us soon. Have you considered that?” he asked.
I tightened my jaw, and it began to twitch. I couldn’t stand still. I walked to the wall and leaned my head against it letting the cold concrete soothe my pounding head. Slowly the anger slipped away leaving fear and regret behind.
“What does my temper have to do with anything? I’m damn well going to protect Vikki when she’s with us. It’s my job. She’s been through more than enough already. She’s special. Alright, I admit it. I give a fuck about her. But I’ll never lay a hand on her in anger,” I swore.
“No, you wouldn’t. We all know that. But when you’re trying to protect her in a dangerous situation and that anger gets in the way it could cause the death of any of us. Besides, she wants to be one of us. She wants equality. How is she going to act if you continue to fight her battles for her in the name of protection? How does that give her the chance to be a Sinner? You’ll lose her, especially since it appears her temper rivals your own,” he stated.
“What the hell am I supposed to do?” I demanded.
“Talk more, screw less. She’s traumatized by her past just the same as you. The situations are different, but it all adds up to the same thing. I think your constant anger may scare her at times and confuse her at others. It sure the hell does that to the rest of us and we know why you’re this way. She doesn’t have a freaking clue and it gets her riled up. She doesn’t know how else to react. She’s known nothing else. Talk to her. Let her know who you really are and why you’re so protective of her. Change your attitude. Ask, don’t order her around. Give her some freedom for fucks sake. You’re smothering her.”
“She wanted me today as much as I wanted her,” I replied in self-defense.
“She wanted release in any way she could get it. I saw how angry she was when she walked out and I guarantee you made her get angrier, probably on purpose. She can’t very well beat you in a fight, so sex had to be her answer. That’s not the way it should be for either of you. Fix this shit before it becomes a problem for the entire club. I don’t want to die because you want a woman who isn’t ready to want you.”
Colt gave me a lot to think about, things I preferred to be left alone and unsaid. It infuriated me that he was sticking his nose into my business where I didn’t believe it belonged, especially after I’d decided he was trying to move in on my woman. Hell, I’d hit him several times due to that conclusion and he still had the guts to get in my face and give me unsolicited advice. I wanted to pound him into silence, but that just proved that the things he’d said were all too true.
The worst of it was that he made way too much sense. I didn’t want or need a damn councilor, or a man who had just as much baggage hanging over his head as I did telling me what I should be doing with the woman that shared my bed, or the broom closet and dressing room bench. I thought we communicated just fine when we were together, but now I was supposed to use pretty words and explain myself to her. Talking wasn’t my strong suit. I felt a Sinner shouldn’t have to explain himself to anyone, not even his woman.
I wanted to say fuck that. I very nearly did. Then I remembered how she’d looked when I’d first found her and knew deep down that I was pushing too hard at her, maybe making her feel used. Truthfully, I wasn’t exactly using her, but I was using her sudden temper tantrums to get past her insecurities. Did that put me in the bad guy category along with her rapist and abductor? Shit! I hoped not.
She tried to ignore me when I stepped over and took Colt’s place behind the punching bag. He just gave me a nod of understanding and walked away to deal with a sparring match in the ring that was turning into an actual fight due to an obviously broken nose.
“Didn’t Colt mention you should use your core muscles when you strike out at the bag?” I asked as she continued pummeling it with a frown on her face and sweat dripping off her body. “You’re not putting any strength into it.”
“What do you think he was doing when he touched my waist and belly the other day? Did you really believe he was feeling me up in front of the whole world? I suppose that’s something I might have expected from you, but not Colt. He’s all business here unlike you. I doubt he’d have taken advantage of me in the damn locker room just to prove he could or show another man I was off limits,” she replied between the quick one-two punches she was practicing.
“Sometimes my body overrules my head and I let my anger take the lead. I didn’t like seeing another man touch you after what we’ve done. It jacked up my temper. I see you wearing next to nothing everyday and getting more toned and sexier by the hour and I can’t help but want to screw you. I know it may sound terrible but at least I’m honest. You could have said no,” I explained.
She gave out a sound that I knew meant disbelief before countering with, “You knew I wouldn’t say no. I never can when I’m stirred up like that. You counted on it. It’s a weakness I’m determined to get over a.s.a.p. You’re able to use me because of it. I can’t afford to be used by you or anyone else. Serpent Sinners can’t have weaknesses.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. We all have weaknesses. We just don’t show them to the enemy. Most of us have a bad history and the others are mostly aware of each other’s past. We may keep one or two things tucked inside us, but for our safety and the protection of the club we all have to be clear on our weaknesses or someone could get killed. It’s not a pretty picture. In fact, there’s a lot of ugliness involved. That’s why we come off to others as dangerous and evil, which we are yet there’s more to us than that. It’s best that those around us see just that part of us otherwise we’re vulnerable. Our flaws can be used against us.”
“You’re full of crap. None of you are women, so you can’t relate to what happened to me or what I’m fighting inside as well as outside. I’m at a fucking disadvantage you’d never understand in a million years,” she proclaimed.