Page 29 of Lethal Torture

Tommo is an electrician, just as his father was before him. He and Liana were married at twenty-two and had Max a year later. They live in a sprawling suburban house with a barbecue and a pool, in walking distance of the beach. Tommo is solid as a rock, and he adores Liana and the boys.

It’s the life Liana has always wanted, and compared to the way we both grew up, it’s a fucking fantasy.

I’m happy for her.

I listen for a while as she tells me about how well the boys are doing in the local surf club competitions, and how badlythey’re doing in school. “I’m pretty sure they’ll both take after Tommo, if I’m honest,” she says, but there’s only pride, no hint of regret, in her voice. “They’re both much better at doing things than studying them. But so long as they inherit Tommo’s character along with his practical bent, I’ll be happy. I know there aren’t many men out there like Tommo, so I’m definitely not complaining. He’s always got my back.”

I hear Mak’s voice in my mind:“Zin needs someone to have her back...”

The coincidence gives me a queer kind of jolt. If Liana were telling this story, she’d say it was some kind of sign.

I don’t know about that.

But I do know that for some weird reason my doubts are suddenly gone.

“Speaking of complaining,” Liana is saying, in a slightly sterner tone, “you need to start returning Kate’s calls. She’s perfect for you, Luke. If you don’t make the effort, she’ll be off the market by the time you get back here.”

“Yeah. About that.” I wince, rubbing a hand through my hair and leaning against the exposed brick wall, staring out at the mist hovering over the slow-moving water of the Thames.

“Oh, come on, Luke.” She sounds exasperated. “You’re not taking another job, surely? Can’t the bloody wars run themselves without you?”

I’ve never told Liana exactly what I do. She knew I passed SAS selection soon after I entered the British army, which had been my lone goal since I was old enough to understand what the SAS was. She also knew that once I did, I couldn’t tell her much about where I was or what I was doing. By the time I left the forces, she knew better than to ask too many questions. If anyone asks, she tells them exactly what I told her: that I work in private security.

It’s not a lie.

But lately, it’s not the entire truth, either.

“Hey, work is what it is. And besides, your friend is better off with someone like Tommo, and you know it.”

“Well, that’s just not true—”

“Yeah, Liana, actually it is.” Normally I would joke with my sister. But the divide between Pigalle’s dark thrill and Liana’s sweet suburban life is so wide that, for once, I just can’t manage to hide the part of me I usually keep locked deep inside.

“Women like Kate need a man like Tommo, one who comes home every night.” The words spill out of me before I think them through properly. “Not somebody who is better at bombs than bath time, who sits with his back to the wall and eyes on every exit, scanning each face in the crowd for incoming fire.”

I wince, regretting my words instantly.

I don’t ever talk about my job like this. If I’m honest, I don’t even think of the impact of it very often. War is just who I am, who I’ve always been. I’m the man our childhood made me become, probably long before I was ready for it. But I’ve never regretted the choices I’ve made, and I’ve certainly never used them as an excuse.

The truth is that I don’t mind being amachine, to use Mak’s term.

But I think it’s time I stopped pretending to be anything other than exactly what I am.

“Luke.” Liana’s voice is soft on the other end of the line. “The right woman will wantyou,wars and all. They’ll see you for exactly what you are, like I do.” Her voice chokes slightly. “I’ve never really said thank you, for getting me away from how we grew up. Not properly. But I know I owe you everything—”

“You don’t owe me a damned thing.” I cut her off more sharply than I mean to. “You’re my family, Liana. The only family I’ve got. I’d do it all again, in a heartbeat. Getting us both out of that house, and away from that sick bastard of astepfather, was the best decision I ever made. I just wish we could have managed to get Mum out of there before it was too late.”

“Oh, Luke.” The sympathy in her voice makes me desperately uncomfortable. “That wasn’t your fault. She was an addict. There wasn’t anything either of us could have done.”

“It doesn’t matter.” I cut her off again, rubbing my forehead.

I never should have brought this shit up.

“Look, all I meant to say is that I think it’s time we both stopped pretending that I’m a good choice for any of your friends. I’m not, Liana. I don’t think I ever will be a good choice, for anyone. My life isn’t really set up for a wife and kids, no matter how much my face isgiving marriage,as you put it.”

I’m relieved to hear her laugh, even shakily.

“I’ll come home as soon as I can take a break, okay?” I go on before she can start up again. “And tell Tommo my boat better be in pristine condition when I do. I know what those little terrors of yours are like with chocolate and a white paint job.”