Page 51

FORTY-FOUR

ruby

It’s Gina’s birthday and another excuse for the Rossi family to throw a party. I couldn’t say no, didn’t want to, but I’m sweating before I’ve even walked into the backyard. I keep adjusting my dress, anxiety gripping and twisting my stomach.

The scene is familiar, but life has changed so profoundly since the last time I was in Lorenzo’s yard.

We’ve gone from everything to nothing. Years of doing everything together, sharing every big and little moment of the day, weeks of exploring each other’s bodies down to the finest detail, and now .

.. we haven’t spoken in days. I never expected taking the job would cut everything important out of my life in one single slash, but every time regret threatens to overwhelm me, I push it away.

Lorenzo would tell me I need to be independent from my parents, but it’s him I need to be independent from.

I’ve spent my whole life having a dysfunctional relationship with my parents, and it hasn’t killed me.

But to build a life with a man who can never love me like I love him? That just might.

I glance nervously around. What do I say to him?

What will he say to me? I don’t know what to expect.

But when my eyes find Lorenzo, standing with his dad and uncle as blue smoke pours from the grill in front of them, this is the thought that instantly hits me: I’m really going to spend the rest of my life trying to pretend every part of me doesn’t ache for him? God, I hope I die young.

He looks like he always has, handsome and strong, and like nothing I’ve seen before because he looks so far away.

When our eyes meet across the yard, he doesn’t smile, and I realize for the first time that, for years, when Lorenzo looked at me, he lit up.

He’s never looked at me with the distant expression he gives me today.

The yard is crowded enough and the music loud enough that it’s easy to pretend we don’t see each other. That can’t last all day, but to run into him in front of the guests and have to act like nothing has happened sounds even more unbearable than pretending he doesn’t exist.

When the food is served, I’m overcome by a memory of elementary-aged Ruby and Lorenzo at Gina’s party, sneaking to the Rossis’ kitchen and raiding the pantry for Goldfish crackers, packaged cupcakes, and barbecue chips, then devouring them in his bedroom closet.

Lorenzo always forgets my junk food obsession started in his kitchen.

I need an escape.

The dock, of course, is a terrible idea, haunted by memories of lake summers and Lorenzo’s shirtless body. But short of leaving the party or hiding in the bathroom, there’s nowhere else I can be alone.

Turns out I won’t be alone on the dock either. As soon as I’m clear of the hemlock trees, I spot Anthony standing there, staring off to the east side of the lake, smoke curling gracefully from the cigarette in his fingers. I almost turn around, but then he spots me.

“Hayes,” he says when I reach the dock. “Can’t breathe back there, can you?”

“Guess not.”

“Yeah, me either.”

I look at his cigarette as he brings it to his mouth. “That’ll definitely help the lungs.”

He smiles, smoke escaping out either side of his lips. “Want one?”

I shake my head, but the truth is, I do. I’ve always loved the taste of that first puff. Anthony sees the way my eyes linger on his cigarette. He pulls out his pack and offers it to me. I take one, plus the orange lighter tucked inside. “Think I’ll remember how?”

“Not the kinda thing you forget.” He examines the cigarette in his hand. “Not that I ever took a break.”

I light my cigarette, and the first drag is almost as good as I remembered. The rest is shit, though. After a few puffs, I let it slowly burn down in my fingers.

“Don’t let Lorenzo catch you smoking that shit. Wouldn’t want a cancer-stick lecture.”

“I would if it meant he’d speak to me.”

“Why’d you break up?”

“He didn’t tell you?”

His gaze is flat on the lake. “We don’t talk like that.”

“No?”

He shrugs. “Hasn’t been that way for a long time. Lorenzo and me don’t have much in common anymore.”

I’m in a bad mood and his coded self-pity annoys me. “Except the first seventeen years of your life?”

“So what? That’s not his life anymore. He’s college and football and big dreams.” When I open my mouth, Anthony quickly adds, “And I don’t blame him for that.”

“But you blame him for this.” I nod at his cigarette.

“For what?” But he doesn’t look at me. He already knows what.

“For how your life turned out.”

His face is pinched, but he says nothing.

“Right?”

He shoots me a look. “I already had this conversation with him.”

“I know, but maybe he forgot to include the part about what an asshole you are for wanting him to feel guilty.”

“I can’t make him feel anything. I didn’t force him to feel guilty.”

“But you’re so glad he does, aren’t you?”

Anthony throws his cigarette down and grinds it against the wooden boards with his sneaker. “I don’t care how he feels! It’s obviously not getting in the way of his success, so why should I feel bad?”

“Because what if it is in the way?”

“How?”

I shrug. “I don’t even know if he really wants to play football after college or if that’s because it was your dream.”

“It was both our dreams.”

“What if it’s not his anymore?”

He scoffs. “So somehow I’m responsible for my problems and his, and he’s not responsible for shit.”

“You’re both responsible for your own fucking lives. I’m just asking you to let him go.”

“I did. I’m not trying to pretend we’re still buddy-buddy like we used to be. Lorenzo’s the one who tries to act like we’re in high school again and nothing’s changed.”

“I mean let him be free, Anthony. He loves you. Your opinion of him means way more than it should. And, yes, that’s his problem and he needs to figure it out, but you don’t have to make it worse by taking advantage of the fact that he wants to blame himself.”

I don’t know Anthony well enough anymore to know what to make of his silence.

“Look, maybe it won’t even help. It might not change a thing in his life, but maybe it would. Maybe he could think clearly about where he’s going.”

“You wish he wasn’t headed for the NFL. Right?”

I swallow. “I used to. I didn’t want him to leave me. Now I don’t know. I think right now it’s better if I don’t wish for anything.”

“It’s not like you wouldn’t still be best friends if he played pro. Lorenzo wouldn’t leave you behind.”

“I bet you used to think that too.”

The cigarette leaves me nauseated. I walk up the street and let myself into my house, where I brush my teeth and rinse with mouthwash.

I give my clothes and hair a sniff, but somehow they escaped the smoke.

I drink a glass of ice water, standing outside on the side of the house that can’t be seen from the Rossis’ property.

Everything about today has been awful. I want to be done with the party and drive back to Shafer. But the idea of having spent a whole day with the Rossis without ever speaking to Lorenzo is devastating, and I refuse to let myself consider what that would mean. So I head back toward his house.

But like I’ve manifested a wish I don’t really want, there’s Lorenzo, right where his driveway meets the road. He sees me and stops. I don’t even have time to ready myself before I’m standing right in front of him.

“Hey,” I say softly.

He nods.

“Where are you coming from?” I ask.

“Just took a walk around the block.” He glances down the driveway toward the party. “You know.”

“Not like it used to be, is it?”

His gaze lingers on me. “I’ve missed you.”

Words that will break me if I let them. “I’ve missed you too.” I reach for him, wrapping my fingers around his wrist.

His dark eyes are sad, and guilt is like a dagger in my heart, knowing I put that look in them. The one thing I never wanted to do was hurt him. For a moment I’m overwhelmed by the urge to take it all back, cancel my mistakes. Nothing can’t be undone yet.

“Your parents told me all about the job in Canada. So you’re really doing it.”

Am I? It doesn’t feel real. “I told you I was.”

“I thought you might change your mind.”

I should tell him how many times I’ve thought about doing just that. Instead, I stay silent.

“When did everything change for you, Ruby?” His voice comes out low and harsh. “I want to know exactly the moment you decided to say, Fuck it. I’m out .”

“It wasn’t like that. But our relationship was never what I thought it was, and maybe I needed to make a choice for once without factoring you into it.”

“You only made that choice because of what happened between us. You spend your whole life running away from every standard your parents set for you—running to me . We have one fight?—”

Frustration bubbles up, frustration at myself for letting him know me so completely. “Because I was a child! Now I’m not, and it’s time to stop acting like one.”

“They’re not looking out for you. They don’t even see you. But you already know that. I just don’t get what you’re trying to prove by falling in line. That you don’t really need me?”

“Maybe, yeah. That I can live without you? Maybe you’re not going to be around forever, and I have to stop pretending you are.”

He shakes free from my grip. “I’m not going to be around forever? We were good, Ruby! Why did we start something if we had no intention of making it forever?”

“I don’t know why we started. I didn’t think it through. I guess I never thought I could have something this good.”

“But you did have it, so tell me why you’re giving it up.”

“Because it’s not what I thought it was.”

“It’s not the best relationship you ever had? It’s not friendship and perfect sex and”—he swallows—“love? Just like everyone wants?”

The raw desperation in his voice deepens every single crack in my body. I look into his eyes, willing myself not to cry. “I’ve loved you for such a long time, Lorenzo, and I thought I was the only one who knew that. I can’t get past it. I’m sorry.”

“You’re obsessed with one moment in time. You’re going to take everything from me because I didn’t say the right thing in that fucking moment?”

“It wasn’t one moment. It was a thousand moments of seeing where your life is headed and where mine is headed. Seeing the kind of girls you’re drawn to and knowing the kind of girl I am. And when you told me what I said to you that night, it brought all those moments into focus.”

“You forget I was there for all those moments too. And you know what I see? After all those moments, I landed on you.”

I shake my head. “I don’t want to be the girl that you love because you finally came around.

Or because you’re sick of messing around and you want to settle down with a safe bet.

I want to be the girl you burn for. I want you to love me and need me with the same desperate hunger that I feel for you. ”

“I do! I’ve spent my whole life needing you. So at seventeen I wasn’t ready to be a man who could take care of you? I couldn’t say yes to a relationship until I knew we could make it last. It had to be forever with you, Ruby.”

I feel like I’m sinking, but I will his words to do nothing more than scratch the surface of my heart.

If we wanted forever, we should have stopped at friendship.

“I don’t want you to take care of me. I want to be able to take care of myself, and I have to figure out how to do that.

Right now I’m not—I’m not strong enough. ”

“That’s not true. You’re stronger than anyone I know.”

“No, I’m not. I’m not even strong enough for this.” I gesture hopelessly at the space between us. “For us.”

He puts his arm around me. His touch is pure comfort. “Come on. We’re doing this together. Between you and me, we’re strong enough.”

“Lorenzo, you know me. I’m jealous and messy and I compare myself to everyone.

And right now, with the doubts in my head, I don’t know how I’d survive all the things that are going to try to break us apart.

” I have to pull away from him. “You deserve someone who can withstand that. And no matter how much I want that someone to be me, I’m not there yet. ”

He’s silent for a moment. When he finally speaks, his voice is brittle and cold. “So that’s the end?”

“We’re still who we’ve always been. Friends.” What a sad, empty word that suddenly is.

He lifts his chin like he’s taking in the full weight of what I’m saying. Then he shakes his head, his gaze hardening over. “No.”

“No?” I repeat.

“No, Ruby. There’s no going back to how it was.”

“So you won’t give me your friendship if I don’t give you a relationship?”

“That’s right.”

I stare at him, numb with disbelief. “Lorenzo.”

“I mean it. I’m not going to spend the next year playing pretend. And you know what? There’s no way I can sit back and watch my friend be degraded and controlled by her parents. I’m not doing that.”

“So if I don’t live exactly the way you want me to, I’m cut out of your life?”

He shrugs. “I’m not telling you how to live. Do what you want. Take the job, move away. Give up on us and pretend you didn’t crawl into my bed and kiss me that night, hoping it would last forever.”

“I already did give up, Lorenzo. I’m giving you up before it’s too late.”

“Of course you did—all you ever do is give up! You make excuses every time things get hard, and you go feeling bad for yourself instead of fixing it.”

I swallow, stunned. “I thought that’s what you loved about me,” I say coldly.

“I thought so too.”

In an instant I’m boiling with anger. “Of all the stupid shit we’ve done, Lorenzo, this—thinking we could ever be together—was the stupidest.”

He pulls back, his eyes narrowing on me. “No, it isn’t,” he says quietly, but I know that tone of voice. That’s the tone he uses when he’s trying not to believe what you’re telling him.

“It is. It was never really about who said I love you when or who said it first. Look at us, Lorenzo. We’re best friends and we love each other and we live two blocks apart, and we still can’t make this work.

This should be the easy part.” Tears threaten to choke me.

“Maybe our friendship could withstand whatever happens next year, but our relationship never would have.” I turn on my heel and hurry toward my house, hoping to god he doesn’t say anything else to break me. But no such luck.

“Bullshit. I know you better than anyone ever will,” he calls after me. “You’re never going to convince me you didn’t want forever with me.”