Page 94 of Leaving the Station

Zoe:I know this is long overdue, but I just wanted to say you were right when you said I was different around alden. You all were so nice to me, and I only hung out with you when he wasn’t available.

I think part of why I hung out with him so much was because I was working through some gender stuff

I just wanted to let you know that

and that I appreciate all of you

I don’t expect it, but Shelly responds almost immediately.

Shelly:ok we love gender stuff

Then, Rex chimes in too. They were the one who judged me most for my relationship with Alden, or at least that’s how I felt. But they also made sure I was included, and drove me to get greasy late-night food more times than I can count.

Rex:that’s a lot

agree w shelly about the gender stuff

and I’m sorry about what I said too

like, very sorry

Shelly:I’d love to hang out with you when we get back from break

Rex:same!

I react with a heart to all their messages. It’s a small thing, but I hope the two of them know how much their words mean.

Me:I don’t think I’m coming back

Shelly:bummer

Rex:we should keep in touch!

Zoe:we should

Shelly:and if you ever want to talk about gender stuff...

Rex:literally

pretty sure all three of us can help you in that department haha

Zoe:thanks friends

I text Autumn separately after that, because even if she’s not awake, she deserves her own message.

Zoe:thank you for meeting up with me when I was at a low point

I’m grateful for you

There’s so much more I could say, but I leave it at that and return to Tetris.

This is what it could’ve been like if I’d chosen to stay, or if I had chosen Autumn and the Tees over Alden.

No,I tell myself, and the force of it is enough to jolt me awake.

This is what itislike, right now. The relationships I have don’t have to remain stagnant. They can change, the same way that I hope I can.

I pick up my book again and read for a while. When I check my phone, it’s past three in the morning, which means it’s past six on the East Coast.