Page 42 of Leaving the Station

It was weird even to think that word. I’d been certain I’d never have a boyfriend in my life, yet here I was, just over a month into college, with one of my very own.

“Do you think they’ll like me?” Alden asked as we walked over to the table in the dining hall the Tees had grabbed. He waswearing khaki pants and a black button-up shirt, and every part of me wanted to run.

“Of course,” I told him, even though I wasn’t entirely convinced that the Tees likedme, let alone if they would like him.

I didn’t know how this dinner would go, but I needed it to work, to ensure that all the parts of myself that felt so disparate could somehow mix.

I had told the Tees over text the day before that this guy was “someone I was kind of seeing.” They had all given the message a thumbs-up but hadn’t responded beyond that. I knew, therefore, that they were all sprinting to the group chat they had without me to gossip about this shocking turn of events.

“Heyyyyyy,” Shelly said as we walked over to the table, stretching out the word in a way that made him sound guilty, like he hadn’t stopped talking about me and my heterosexual boyfriend since last night.

“Did someone die?” Rex asked, making room for me and Alden at the table.

I turned to them as I dropped my backpack on the food-scrap-covered floor. “What?”

“You two look like you’re dressed for a funeral.”

I was wearing a black dress that I’d had since ninth grade and used to wear to Science Olympiad competitions.

And of course, Rex called me out on this right away. They always wore bright colors and jumpsuits and generally looked like a queer clown in the best way, so they were nevernotgoing to notice my clothing choices.

“Just coming from the greenhouse,” I lied, as if I’d wear an outfit this formal to muck about in the soil and humidity.

“It’s nice to meet you, Alden,” Autumn said, changing the subject. She was resting a hand against her cheek, and she looked so cute sitting like that that it made me wonder, not for the first time, what these past few weeks would’ve been like if I’d dated her instead of Alden.

“Thanks,” he said, clearing his throat. “It’s nice to meet you too.”

“We’ve heard so much about you,” Rex said, and I tried to silently thank them for so boldly lying.

Alden smiled awkwardly, and I could tell we were both thinking the same thing: Alden had not heard much about the Tees. Or anything at all.

“So, what’s your major?” Shelly asked.

“Ah,” Alden said, crossing his ankle over his knee, “the classic question.”

I was suddenly hyperaware of him being a cis man.Of him taking up space, wearing khakis, being slightly obnoxious in the way he spoke and answered simple questions.

I found this charming when we were alone, but around my queer friends it was different. I knew it was wrong, but I wanted him to change, if only for this dinner, so that he could better meet their expectations.

But he was who he was, and I liked him that way.

“English,” Alden said finally. “I’m majoring in English.”

Everyone nodded, and the conversation petered out.

“Should we get food?” Shelly suggested, already standing up from the table.

The other Tees agreed, and off they went.

Leaving me behind with Alden.

“I feel like I failed a test,” Alden said as he opened the door to his room. I’d gone back to my dorm to change out of my so-called funeral clothes, and now we were both wearing pajamas.

I was so relieved to be alone with him that I nearly collapsed.

“It was fine,” I said, though we both knew that was a lie.

If he’d failed a test, then I had too. The Tees had no reason to continue being my friend.