Page 18 of Knotting Hill (How I Met My Monster)

Bella

When the car pulls up at the new hotel, I only dimly register it has stopped. I’m frozen in my seat. I can’t look out the window. I can’t unfasten the belt. I certainly can’t retrieve my phone from the floor or climb out of the car.

The driver gets out and walks around to open the passenger door. I hear him beside me, even though I can’t turn my head to look at him. “We’re here, Ms Owens.”

I don’t say anything. I’m cold, but I can’t even shiver, my body feels so stiff and numb.

“Ms Owens?”

I still say nothing.

At a gentle touch on my arm, I snatch it away, heart racing. “Don’t touch me.”

The car door shuts softly. I’m alone again in the dim interior and all of a sudden the tears fall. Gasping sobs wrack my body and I hunch over trying to swallow the pain of it.

I’ve worked so hard to restore my reputation since the video leaked. My lawyers went after Austin, of course. It had to be him who leaked it. Or sold it.

He claimed it was stolen in a data breach and we could never pin him on it. To this day, I think nobody but me believes it wasn’t me. I’m pretty sure everyone thinks I intended it to go viral. To push my career to new heights.

If I could go back in time, I’d make sure we never filmed it. If I could take it all back, I would. I would never have agreed to it if I thought he would share it with anyone else.

I sit in the car so long I don’t even know what time it is. When sobbing stops, there’s a knock on the window. I glance to see Roksana’s face through the glass. “Bella?”

I want to reply, but my throat is too sore and dry.

My agent opens the door and climbs in beside me. “Bella, it’s going to be alright, yes?”

I nod, but I can’t look at her.

“Come on. We’re getting out of the car now.”

I’m still numb as she leads me from the car into the hotel. The lobby is quiet. It’s the middle of the night. That’s a relief. I can hardly look at the concierge who comes to greet us. “I’m so sorry about the room mix up at our sister hotel, Ms Owens. Please rest assured that you can expect the utmost privacy here. I’m cutting a single key for your room, and that’s this one. Should you wish to have any others cut, you can let reception know. There’s sparkling and still water in your room and a fruit platter if you’re hungry. Is there anything else we can get for you?”

When I don’t answer, Roksana jumps in. “No. That will be everything.”

Someone has my bags. We walk to the elevator and Roksana still has her arm wrapped through mine. I wish I had my dark glasses. I can guarantee my eyes are red and puffy.

When we get inside the suite, she takes care of everything. I’m grateful. It’s all I can do to stumble to the bathroom and wash my face and hands, then climb into bed still clothed. I wish I could scream. Could throw up. Anything to purge this horrible feeling.

The things people said last time were awful. The names they called me.

Of course, they’re all running through my head again over and over.

Slut. Whore. Sell out .

I thought I had moved past this. Picked myself up again.

Turns out I was wrong.

Roksana comes into my room. She hands me a glass of water and some tablets. I don’t ask her what they are. I just hope they’re Diazepam.

She’s been with me since before the video. Since before my hospital stay. She stayed with me through it all. So she knows.

Thank god, I don’t have to explain.

I wake up groggy. The numbness still hasn’t lifted. It feels like it’s creeped up to my lips and jaw. The idea of talking feels somehow heavy. A gargantuan task I can’t face.

I roll over and go back to sleep.

The next time I wake, I reach for my phone before realizing I don’t have it. I sit and look around the unfamiliar room. It’s elegantly decorated in white, gold and beige, a neutral color palette appropriate for the sort of numb that seems to be all I can feel. I lie down again and I’m about to pull the covers up and go back to sleep, when Roksana comes into the room. “Good morning. Well, good afternoon. Did you get some sleep?”

I blink. “You stayed?”

She nods. “I didn’t feel right leaving you, and I know you didn’t want another room key cut. Do you want something to eat? I ordered breakfast a little while back.”

She’s too good to me.

I shake my head. “Not hungry. Is it bad?”

Her brow twitches slightly, but she keeps her expression mostly neutral. “Let’s talk about that in a little while. Are you ready to have a shower? That might be a good idea.”

I frown. If it wasn’t bad, she would have just said so, wouldn’t she?

“Maybe.” I don’t feel committed to anything. My head still feels a bit floaty from the drugs.

“Come on.” She pulls back the covers and helps me get up.

I follow along passively.

It’s only hours later I remember I still need to talk to Will.

“Roksana?” I call out since she’s in the other room. I’m sitting up in bed, staring at the wall rather than the home renovation program streaming on the TV mounted on the wall.

“Are you OK? Hungry?” She pokes her head around the door.

“No. Do you have my phone?”

She frowns. “I do.”

“Can I have it, please? I have to make a call.”

She hesitates. “I don’t think that’s a very good idea, Bella.”

I swallow. The stories must be bad. And she thinks I’ll go looking for them.

I won’t.

I mean, I already know what they say. “I’m fine.”

She gives me a skeptical look. “Let’s just give it a little longer, OK?”

I look at the line between her brows. Her pinched expression. I hate to worry her after I’ve kept her in my suite and she’s probably been up all night. I can’t afford to alienate the only person I trust to take care of me right now.

I sigh. “OK. If you think that’s best.”

She orders food and I try to eat it. I can’t face more than a few mouthfuls, though. Everything feels like an effort. Lifting my hand to my mouth. Even sitting. Eventually, I lay back down and drift back to sleep. That’s all I have the energy for today.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

“Can I have my phone today?” It’s the first thing I ask Roksana when she enters the bedroom in the morning. I’m feeling more like myself. The grogginess has worn off and I feel more alert.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I won’t even look. I just need to make a call.”

She goes to fetch it, but when she puts it into my hand and I switch it on, I find seven missed calls from Will.

My stomach drops and a swirling nausea makes me lift my hand to my mouth and press trembling fingers against my lips. He must think I’ve been ignoring him.

There’s one single message.

Will: I’m sorry too

I swallow around the thick lump in my throat. Sorry? Like breaking up sorry? Like sorry this has to end?

Why else would he be apologizing to me?

My finger hovers over the call button for so long I get frozen.

Roksana is still waiting in the doorway. “Bella, you said you wouldn’t look.”

Quicky, I fix my expression into a calm smile. I’ve let too much show on my face. No wonder she’s worried. “I haven’t. I’m fine. I don’t think I need to make that phone call after all.” I switch off the phone again and hand it back to my agent like a coward.

Only, if Will needs to tell me he doesn’t want to see me again, I’m not sure I can face that today.