Page 32

32

Layla

“He’s gone.” Katy says.

My hands pause over my leg, the aloe vera soothing my red skin.

I’m so confused.

More tears fall, I don’t know how I’ve got anything left in me.

“Oh, babe.” Her face is full of sympathy, and she steps into my room and hugs me gently. “What happened?”

“I don’t…I don’t even know. It was almost normal, except you know the whole gala dinner and being dressed up, and his cousin threatening me again, and he licked my face.”

Katy frowns. “And before, Luca, he had been so, I don’t know present, different, and I thought maybe it could work, and he paid off my care home debt. And why would he do that if he didn’t care, you know? Then with his behaviour, and the caring side of him, and he took me to a club, and he was watching her. And…I got jealous. Oh God.”

“What? I can barely follow.”

“But he just kept watching her when we were-”

“Layla, please slow down.” She leans back and shakes her head. “I’m really not following.”

“Am I overreacting? He took me there to push me out of my comfort zone, and he watched her, but isn’t that the same as me watching the sex scene with that guy who got a blow job at the club.” I rub my eyes and look at Katy, rambling on and on, desperate to try and get the incoherent thoughts out. “Have I just screwed it all up?”

“Blow job? Club? What?” Her frown deepens. “Who was he watching?”

“Isla. That girl from the table,” I explain. “Have I messed it up?”

“Babe, no, you haven’t fucked up. Just take a breath.” Her eyes meet mine and she takes a big deep breath and takes my hands in hers. “Get into bed, I’m going to go and make us some tea. Then, you are going to slowly explain to me what’s happened. And not leave anything out.”

Carefully climbing into bed, I close my eyes. A few minutes later, Katy appears, balancing two mugs of hot tea. Placing one on my bedside table, then walking around to the opposite side of the bed and placing hers down.

She climbs in, snuggling down under the duvet before reaching for her tea.

“Start at the top.”

So, I tell her about Levi, I tell her about how I told Luca, and the deal he made me, I tell her that he paid off my debt, and I tell her what happened at the sex club, in full detail…including the pegging.

“Why was he watching her? Does he like her?”

“No,” Roman answers, leaning against the door. I’ve no idea how long he has been standing there, listening. “There is nothing between him and Isla.”

“Have I fucked up?” I ask him, and I see something other than the blank annoyed look I get when I normally meet Rome’s hazel gaze.

“No. He fucked up.” He pauses, staring at Katy, then kicks off the door frame. “I’m going to bed.”

“Sweet dreams,” she replies, rolling her eyes. He stares at Katy like he wants to murder her and devour her in equal measures. She waves him away and then turns her focus back to me, but I can’t help but watch how Roman reacts.

His eyes darken, his nostrils flare as he takes a deep breath and mutters something incoherent before storming off. Note to self, give Katy the Spanish inquisition.

“You said he paid off your debt…All of it?”

I rub my forehead and focus back on my friend. “All of it.” I puff out a breath and move, wincing at the pain as I shift on the bed trying to find a comfortable position. “Fuck.”

“Jesus. Give me a moment here, I’m processing.” Her mouth hangs open. “I know you said there was more to tell me but fuck a duck. You looked happy this evening—you looked like a real couple.”

“We aren’t a couple though, are we?” I blow on my tea, “This is all a facade, a deal to keep everyone safe. Tonight was an act that went horrendously wrong.”

“So, if it’s all an act, why are you so upset by what he did?”

I sip my tea, “Because…”

“You like him, and you feel like he betrayed you.” She nods at her own assumption.

“If you already know the answer, why ask the question?” I place the tea back on my side table, the thing too nuclear to drink.

She shrugs and copies my movement. “Because sometimes you’re a closed book, and I get things wrong. But I’m not wrong?”

“Not this time. I know it’s all a ruse, and he can be a psychopath, but he can also be attentive and caring, and my God that man is a demon in the bedroom.”

“But he can also hurt you, Layla. Don’t think I’ve not noticed your neck.” She nods at the fading marks which I touch with my fingertips.

“I love him choking me,” I reply quietly, dropping my hands heavily onto the white material of my duvet. “How fucked up is that? I enjoy him dominating me, I enjoy how he makes me feel. I think that’s why he took me tonight, to push my boundaries. But, I dunno, something about her and him…”

I wince as I shift, every movement making it feel like the skin on my back is going to rip.

“Are you okay, do you need any pills, because watching you hurt is killing me.”

“No, no I’m okay. I promise, I’m used to it.”

She bows her head sadly, and a pang of shame washes through me. “No, please don’t think I’m shaking my head at you babe. Sorry. That was so insensitive of me. We’ll come onto that, but I think you’re jealous of something between Isla and Luca that may have only happened once. You have no idea what he was thinking when he watched her.”

“I fucked up.”

“No, babe, you didn’t fuck up. He fucked up. But you need to talk to him and try to understand why. Why let your mind spiral when this could all be sorted with a conversation?” Katy asks.

“You're right. I need to talk to him. But I want some normality. No, I need some normality. It’s been intense. I want to see Grandad. I want to go to the cemetery.”

I crawl to grab the diamante clutch bag off the floor. I hiss as my body screams at the awkward angle.

“Can you do me a favour?” I ask as I grab my bag, and the aloe vera lotion.

“Of course.”

“Can you rub this on my back, it's difficult to reach and it helps.”

She nods, and she helps me lift my T-shirt, the coldness of the air and the heat of the skin making goosebumps and a wave of pain tingle through me.

Her soft hands gently rub the soothing lotion into my back, and I hum my thanks.

“I have questions.” She asks softly. “Do you mind if I ask you, we don’t have to talk about this of course. But I just want to understand? I feel like the worst possible friend ever that I never knew you did this, and that you couldn’t come to me.”

“No. God no, Katy.” I look over my shoulder, her eyes full of hurt and sympathy. “This is just, it’s just something I’ve done since my parents died and I came out of hospital. This has absolutely nothing to do with you being a good friend. You are an amazing friend; I am so unbelievably grateful for everything you do for me.”

A moment passes, “Okay, you're all good.” She says quietly, before I carefully move back against the cushions.

“For the record, I’m not proud of it, it’s just something that I feel like I need to do at times.”

“Do you want to, you know…”

I look at her waiting for her to continue, but she just nods her head, eyes widening.

“You know.”

“Kill myself?” I reply expressionless. “No. It’s not about that. I do it to ground myself, I do it to feel in control.” I fidget with the duvet that I’ve pulled onto myself, not sure how I can explain this without sounding like I’ve got some major problems. “When I was at my worst, I just found that causing pain soothed me. I know how fucked up that sounds,” I say, wringing my hands together. “But being able to control how much pain I felt, when everything else was such a mess. I dunno.” I shrug. “It just helped. It had been ages since I felt the need to do it, if that’s any consolation.”

“Not when I know you’ve done it more than once since meeting him.”

“Like I said, I do it when I don’t feel in control.”

“Hmm. Can I want to kill him for making you feel like you have no control? Because I do Layla. I want to hurt him.”

“It’s the whole situation, Luca isn’t entirely to blame, he’s been the first person I’ve felt comfortable enough to tell. And no, that doesn’t give you an excuse to say you’re a bad friend again.”

She grabs her mug of tea and takes a sip, and I shut my eyes for a minute.

“So, what does taking control look like then, if it’s not hurting yourself?”

I rummage in the clutch bag I picked up from the floor to find the small card that Luca gave me and pass it over to Katy.

“That is a lawyer, Luca has arranged a meeting, and I need to request that the village pull everything out of storage that Grandad has. They will review all the information left by my parents to see whether anything was missed,” I explain. “That reminds me, will you help me pull everything I have together? I want to go through all the files first and see what’s worth including and what isn’t. I don’t think they need all the information I have.”

“Of course.” She smiles tightly.

“We’ll go to the village after lunch if you’re up for it? They are all in his storage there.”

“If he lets you.”

“True.” I yawn and she goes to climb out the bed. “Oh no you don’t,” I say, grabbing her hand holding her in place. “Don’t think you can give me the Spanish inquisition and not allow me to grill you about Roman.”

“Oh, look at the time,” she says, looking down at her wrist, which is completely bare. “I’ve got to dash, work.” She scrambles out the bed quickly, and I throw a pillow at her.

“It’s Sunday morning and god knows what time,” I say, laughing. “You can’t hide from me, Katy.”

My phone vibrates from the side table. A message.

“You need to read that,” Katy says.

“I know.”

“What are you waiting for?” It starts vibrating for a second, third, fourth time. “You know he will keep messaging.”

“You know I don’t care.”

“You know that’s a lie.”

“You know you’re annoying.”

“You know you love me.”

“You know you fucked Roman.”

“You know I don’t kiss and tell.”

“You know he has a small cock.”

“You know that’s a lie.” She grins before holding out her hand and showing the size and I flop back on the bed laughing, then immediately flinch at the movement. “Do us both a favour and read the messages.”

“I will. Thank you.”

“I’ll speak to you in the morning. Love you.”

“You, too.”

She blows me a kiss then closes the door softly and I stare at the ceiling before doing the inevitable and reading his messages.

I fucked up. I’m sorry.

A bad decision

Why did you leave?

Because I’m a coward.

A bad decision

Three dots appear, and I grip the phone so tightly my hand hurts.

But the message never comes, so I put my phone on the side and close my eyes. Hoping that tomorrow things won’t seem quite so bad.