Page 139 of Kitchen Gods: The Complete Series

He was just leaning against the back of the building, gulping in air and trying to clear his mind, when he spotted a dark figure in the distance, standing in between the rows of vegetables.

Heart thumping painfully, he pushed away from the building and started walking toward him.

He knew who it was; he never could have left him alone for this night.

After all, this had always been Damon’s idea, first and foremost. He’d even been the one to convince Xander that the plan had merit.

He never could have left him alone tonight.

He started jogging, then he ran, breath coming in harsh pants as he reached the man he loved.

Damon looked over at him, almost in surprise. Almost as if he hadn’t expected to get caught or if he had expected it, that Xander wouldn’t have even come over.

And fuck that, Xander was in love with him.

He’d said some stupid shit, sure, and he’d not understood entirely where Damon was coming from, but he still loved him, and he still wanted this.

If he was being honest with himself, he wanted it even more than he had before, because now he knew what it was like to do it without Damon.

“You got it,” Damon said first, before Xander could even figure out where to start. What to say first. Should he hug him? Kiss him? Punch him? He didn’t know, but in the end it didn’t matter.

“I got what?” Xander demanded incredulously.

“Your jacket,” Damon said, reaching out like he was going to touch the embroidery right over his heart, but then his hand jerked back, like he hadn’t ever intended to touch him. “You needed it, and I couldn’t let you go without. Not tonight.”

“Then you should have brought it to me yourself,” Xander said. He was trying to stay calm, but it was really fucking difficult.

“I couldn’t. You know that. I . . . I never should have done this.” Damon said this with a small shake of his head, like he couldn’t believe he’d ever imagined he could, and that just added more fuel to Xander’s anger.

“We were doing this!” he yelled. “As far as I was concerned, two nights ago, it was actively happening. I know I fucked up, I know I wasn’t as understanding as I needed to be. But I can be better. We can fix this. You can’t just walk away and not let me fix it.”

Damon’s eyes were sad in the moonlight as he stared at him. “I knew after I divorced Rachel that involving myself with anyone ever again was a huge risk. I’m a burden, Xander, and I don’t need you to say it for me to know it’s true.”

“You have baggage. You’re an alcoholic. I know.

I get that. I don’t think less of you, and I don’t think you’re going to destroy me if you are.

You didn’t even destroy Rachel. She’s moved on, she’s happy, she’s got a husband and a job and a life.

Your demons aren’t going to torpedo anyone—even you.

” Xander felt desperate, like his chance was slipping away.

He wasn’t sure if Damon would believe him, now or ever.

He certainly didn’t look like he believed him.

“They run deep,” Damon said with regret in his eyes and his voice. “Sometimes I don’t even know how deep they run.”

“Then we’ll figure it out together,” Xander said, and he knew he was pleading.

He wasn’t even above begging. “Just don’t vanish.

Don’t shut me out.” He hesitated, anger swelling again when he thought of what he’d endured today.

“Don’t fucking take what was supposed to be the best day of my life and make it impossible to get through.

I can’t do this again. This is not what was supposed to happen. ”

“It’s what needs to happen,” Damon said gently, and when Xander tried to reach over, to touch him, to remind him of what they’d shared, of what they’d been through already, he pulled away.

“You can’t do this,” Xander said blankly. “You can’t do this.”

“I know it doesn’t seem that way now, but this is better for everyone. Including you.”

Xander snapped. “You’re fucking right it doesn’t seem that way.

You don’t get to make these choices! You don’t get to decide that you’re too fucked up to be with me.

You’re the best man I’ve ever met. The strongest, the bravest, but right now you’re acting like a fucking coward and it isn’t a good look. ”

“You’re right, it’s not. But then you’ve always been right about a lot of things,” Damon said, and Xander wasn’t stupid, he knew what a goodbye sounded like.

“Wait,” he said when Damon started to turn to walk away. “You can’t do this. We’re supposed to be a team. We’re supposed to do this together.”

“It’s your restaurant now. You run it. You’re going to make it shine. I have faith.”

Xander didn’t want to tell him he didn’t have faith in himself. He didn’t want to tell him that running it alone hadn’t been what Damon promised. But it was too late to say anything he didn’t want to say, because Damon was walking away, and it seemed that even apologies weren’t enough to save this.

Alone, in the middle of the garden where they’d first met over a year ago, Xander finally started to cry.