Page 135 of Kitchen Gods: The Complete Series

“No, I really don’t. But what I want doesn’t really matter. It hasn’t mattered in a long time. Ever, probably.” Damon sighed. “Eat your dinner. You have training tomorrow and you need your strength. I’m going home.”

Xander raised his eyebrow and it didn’t do anything for Damon. Nothing like what it normally did. He felt beaten and numb instead. Like he’d fought his battles all over again, but this time he’d lost.

He loved Xander. He was talented and smart and bright and deserved a restaurant that would showcase him to his best advantage; a jewel in the proper setting.

Damon knew, with his issues and his darkness, that he couldn’t really be a part of that.

Not really. Xander would figure it out sooner or later, the same way Damon just had.

Xander belonged to the shiny, bright world of people who could have a glass of wine with dinner or a beer on a warm afternoon and it didn’t mean anything.

People who didn’t have a difficult and complex reaction to a drink menu on a patio table.

Damon had known this from the very beginning, he’d understood it was fundamentally true almost from the first moment, but he’d tried to push the inevitability aside, and then he’d straight-up begun living in a fantasy world where it didn’t exist at all.

Earlier tonight, Xander said he wanted a real love. This was a real love, in a real world.

He got up and put his arms around Damon, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”

Not talking wasn’t going to happen. Breaking up wasn’t going to happen. Not with the restaurant opening on the horizon, only a few days away. The best Damon could do was to pull gradually away until Xander realized the same thing he just had. They were better off as friends and business partners.

“Yeah, of course,” Damon said, ignoring the lump in his throat.

“Night. I love you.” Xander pressed another kiss in, deeper, firmer this time. Like he could permanently brand his lips there. Damon wanted to tell him that it didn’t matter, he was going to feel his mouth against his skin forever—there was no erasing it now.

“I love you too,” Damon said, and meant it just as much, if not more, tonight, than he ever had.

Xander just didn’t realize that those three little words also meant goodbye.

The second the door closed behind Damon and he heard his car start up in the driveway, Xander dialed his phone in a blind panic.

“Wyatt,” he said desperately, “I think I just really fucked things up.”

“What did you do?” Wyatt asked. “Did you over-whip the marshmallows again?”

“Have you been talking to Miles again?” Xander demanded.

“Of course I talk to Miles. We live in the same freaking city,” Wyatt drawled. “Stop changing the subject. What’s got you sounding so panicked?”

“I told Damon we should serve wine at the Barrel House.”

Wyatt was silent for a long moment. “Didn’t you tell me last month that he was a recovering alcoholic?”

“Yes,” Xander said miserably. “He is.”

Xander didn’t know what he’d been thinking—actually, scratch that, he knew exactly what he’d been thinking. He’d been thinking with his ego, hyper-aware of what people were saying about him, worried that nobody would give the restaurant a chance because of the lack of booze.

He’d let his fear get in the way of . . .

Xander hesitated, unsure how much he’d really fucked up, then realized he’d let his fear jeopardize everything.

The restaurant. His relationship with Damon.

His future and Damon’s future, seemingly so bright only a few days ago, suddenly dimmed because he’d been dumb enough to listen to Billy and Kian. And his own fucking ego.

“Listen, opening a restaurant is a crazy thing to do. It’s absolute insanity before it happens. People say stuff all the time when they’re stressed. Chalk it up to that and move on.”

The last time they'd talked, Xander had given Wyatt a very vague idea that he and Damon were just sort of screwing around, nothing serious.

Why had he done that, when Wyatt was going to find out the very first time he saw him and Damon together?

Especially when that particular event was going to be happening shortly with the restaurant opening?

Plain and simple, Xander hadn’t wanted to be the new Kian. Involved with his boss and his partner, potentially screwing up his own future.

The worst part of this whole thing was that he hadn’t even needed Wyatt or Miles to warn him. He’d done it all on his own, with zero help from anyone else.

“I don’t think he’s going to move on that easily,” Xander admitted.

“Why not?” Wyatt sounded distracted and he suddenly heard the roar of a crowd in the background. Flipping to ESPN, Xander sat down heavily and watched as Wyatt’s boyfriend Ryan hit a solid stand-up double in front of a packed Dodger Stadium.

“You’re at Ryan’s game, aren’t you?” Xander asked flatly.

“Yes, but as I’m discovering, the baseball season is 162 games long. I think I can talk to you for five minutes to keep you off the cliff and be a supportive partner.

“You really care about him, don’t you?” Wyatt persisted when Xander didn’t respond.

Xander was quiet still, but Wyatt could be damn stubborn when he wanted to be and he wasn’t letting him off the hook now.

“I love him, okay?” Xander finally said, voice cracking. “I really love him, and I fucked it all up.”

“You’re going to apologize, and he’s going to forgive you. It’s gonna be fine.” Wyatt’s voice was almost drowned out by more crowd noise. “I’m sorry, I really do have to go now. But I’m coming up tomorrow, and I’m bringing Miles with me.”

Xander almost told Wyatt not to bring Miles, because somehow it was worse that Miles was going to be front and center to him totally screwing up his life. Wyatt was chill; Wyatt also always understood. Miles was a little pricklier.

But he didn’t, because in the process of epically fucking up, he’d realized just how much he needed his friends here.

Even Kian, who he kept trying to be pissed at.

Maybe if Kian hadn’t brought up the rumors and his concerns hadn’t so closely echoed Xander’s own.

That was bullshit though, and Xander knew it.

It wasn’t Kian’s fault he’d selfishly mouthed off, suggesting that his recovering boyfriend serve booze at their restaurant.

That was all on Xander, and he wasn’t being pessimistic when he knew he’d be paying for it.