Page 50 of Karma’s a Beach

Olivia

T he view of the Pacific Ocean is breathtaking.

And enjoying it from our private balcony first thing in the morning while we drink our coffee is the perfect way to start the day.

I only wish Ash didn’t have to leave and go to work, but…that’s why we’re here in California.

I never would have believed it, but I was able to pack up my entire life—which really wasn’t a whole lot—in a week. Well, a week and two days. The pod had been delivered, and we had everything loaded into it in a day.

I’m not really sure how I feel about that, but that’s for a future therapy session.

The leasing office had been more than willing to let me break my lease, my car was picked up by a transport company, and Ash and I stayed at a hotel for the night before flying down to San Diego.

We arrived yesterday and rented a car before making the forty-five minute drive to Carlsbad. It wasn’t an exciting drive until we hit the ocean view. The moment I first glimpsed the water, I wanted to beg Ash to stop.

But I didn’t.

We passed a few hotels, and I was curious which one we were staying at—he’s been notoriously vocal about how lackluster his typical hotel stays are—so imagine my surprise when we pulled up to the sweetest little boutique hotel right on the water!

Our room is amazing; it has panoramic views and a balcony over the sand that makes me feel a little like I’m floating on the ocean.

Our bed feels massive, and it faces the water, so the crashing of the surf was the last thing we heard when we fell asleep last night, and the first thing we saw when we woke up this morning.

It was heavenly. Plus, it reminded me of our room back in Cape Breeze.

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay being alone all day?” he asks before finishing his coffee. “I can try to come back for lunch if you’d like.”

“Don’t be silly. I am going to relax by the pool, walk on the beach, and see if anything sparks a story.”

“You mean you’re not going to use any of my suggestions? I’m crushed!” I know he’s faking it and being dramatic just to make me smile, so I don’t get upset at his mock outrage.

“I didn’t say I wouldn’t use any of them,” I say soothingly—with an equal amount of gentle teasing.

“You just never know when inspiration will strike.” We both stand and I take his mug from his hands and kiss him.

“Don’t worry about me. You booked us this perfect little hotel, and I am going to enjoy the hell out of it. ”

His frown is an odd reaction.

“What the matter?”

“Now I don’t want to go to work. I’d rather stay here and enjoy the hell out of it with you.”

“Aww…poor baby,” I coo. “Later. You can enjoy the hell out of it later. Maybe you’ll be able to get done early and we’ll go out and explore the town and find a great place for dinner.”

He doesn’t look convinced, but he also doesn’t argue about it. “Sounds good. I’ll see you later.”

It takes another ten minutes to get him out the door, but once it’s shut, I go back out onto the balcony and sigh happily.

I have a feeling this trip is going to be exactly what I need.

Back at Vanessa’s beach house, there were too many distractions.

I wanted to visit with my friends and just catch up with them.

Then there was so much drama, was it any wonder I didn’t get any writing done?

Here, the view is both a distraction and inspiring and I am beyond excited to start exploring.

I grabbed a bunch of brochures and maps when we checked in last night and I’m kind of in love with the fact that Carlsbad is called “The Village by the Sea.” I mean, how cool is that?

There are tons of independently owned shops and restaurants, and I started making a mental list of all the places I wanted to see. I’m going to maybe explore some of them tomorrow because I want Ash to be there for my first exposure to it all. So for today, I’m simply going to enjoy the hotel.

But first, a shower.

I know I’m being a diva because I take an hour to get ready before I finally leave the room.

There’s a spring in my step and I swear there’s just a lightness and joy that I haven’t felt in years.

Okay, that’s a lie. I felt it while I was back on the East Coast with my friends, but this is the first time I’m feeling it just on an average day when I’m alone.

And maybe that’s not completely accurate either. I know I’ve been very lucky with my career. My books are bestsellers, I have two TV movies and three more potentially on the horizon. I’m essentially living the dream. So why haven’t I been happy?

Because I’m lonely.

I’ve been so wrapped up in my work that I didn’t have time to think about how alone I was.

It’s just so crazy that it took Matt dying for me to take such a hard look at my life.

Although…isn’t that the norm? The death of a peer typically does that sort of thing.

It makes us face our own mortality. And even though I didn’t go there, I did some re-evaluating of my priorities, and I guess I should thank him for that somehow.

Maybe.

I know I did his eulogy, and I said a small goodbye when I stood by his casket, but I didn’t know all the things that were going to transpire since then.

I step outside and find myself by the pool. It’s not a huge area—it is a small boutique hotel, after all—but there’s still a decent amount of people out here. I spot the walkway to the beach and head that way.

Does West Coast sand feel different from East Coast sand? Is the Pacific Ocean different from the Atlantic?

“I guess I’m going to find out,” I murmur as I make my way down a flight of wooden stairs that lead directly to the sand.

I slip my flip-flops off and I’m glad I went for a one-piece bathing suit and a sarong.

The sun is hot, the air is salty, and I just head directly for the water, eager to get my feet wet.

I think the beach is now officially my happy place. Who knew?

A small wave rushes to greet me, washing over my bare feet, and I jump at the coolness of it.

I was expecting it to be warmer, but it’s not.

Or maybe I’m just a big baby about this sort of thing.

Either way, I settle in and just allow myself several long moments to savor it all.

I take deep, slow breaths, and let them out just as slowly as every bit of tension leaves my body until I’m essentially boneless.

Eventually, I walk along the shore, marveling at the houses I pass, and smile at the people. When I finally reach a spot that’s fairly deserted, I decide to sit and enjoy a little quiet time.

And have that one-sided conversation because it’s fresh on my mind.

“Do they have beaches in heaven?” I muse softly.

“If anyone would have told me you were going to be the person to have this much of an effect on my life—the highest of highs, the lowest of lows, and some crazy stuff in between—I wouldn’t have believed them.

I feel like from the moment we met there was a connection and no matter how hard I tried over the years to sever it, you were always there on the fringe. Mostly in the form of bad memories.”

I pause to just watch the waves crashing, because it’s oddly soothing. There’s something dramatic about it; I love watching them form and build and then crash before disappearing.

“I think I held onto those memories as an excuse to not fully engage in my life,” I go on. “I didn’t want to risk getting hurt again, so I put that on you. But, let’s be honest, you deserved it. You really were a crappy, crappy boyfriend, and I was too trusting and na?ve to know it at the time.”

I sigh, even though the words are right there, just waiting to come crashing out.

Much like the waves in front of me.

“I put a lot of pressure on everyone because of my anger and my hurt. I just expected everyone to feel the same way I did, and that was so wrong. All it did was isolate me from the people I love the most in this world. But these last six weeks have been so eye-opening, Matt, and there is no one I need to thank more than you. And you know what? I kind of hate that I’m saying this to the sky—to your spirit.

I hate that you’re not here because now that so much has finally become clear to me, I want to share it with you.

I know that you’d have the biggest smile and probably be happier for me than even I am.

That’s just who you were. You wanted nothing but happiness for your friends.

I’m just sorry I could never accept truly being your friend.

You were always going to be that guy who broke my heart. ”

God, I sound so freaking juvenile. How have people even tolerated me for the last ten years?

“But you were also the guy who made it his life’s ambition to make other people smile.

You were everyone’s biggest cheerleader, and I think we’re all a little lost without you.

That beach trip was…well…it was kind of a shitshow for a bit, and I have to wonder if it would have gotten that way if you were there.

” I pause and chuckle. “Of course, if you were still here, we probably wouldn’t have been there.

Still, I think you could have put a lot of everyone’s anger and anxiety at ease.

That was one of your gifts. Even when you were the one doing something wrong to me, you always tried to find a positive spin, you manipulative bastard. ”

I say the last part with love.

Sort of.

“The thing is…losing you forced me to deal with a lot of things that I was ignoring and it opened my eyes to so many possibilities. Like Ash. You sneaky little bastard. You never got around to introducing us, and yet somehow, we still met because of you. And as much as it pains me, you were one hundred percent right. He is my other half. I was afraid of the connection because it was so strong that I didn’t trust it to be real. But it is.”

There’s a group of people approaching and I let myself go quiet until they pass.