Page 37 of Jaxon (Gentlemen of War #4)

Jaxon

I watched her disappear into the house and I felt my heart tear, ripping piece by piece with every step she took.

I should have told her!

While I did not blame Claude, since it was entirely my responsibility to share the truth, I only wished it had not happened this way. He felt awful when he met me inside, but I assured him it would be fine.

It was not fine.

Glancing up toward Amelia’s bedchamber from the great room, I released a deep exhale. She may never speak to me again and I could do nothing about it. How could I possibly assure her that my behavior was due to me not being in my right mind? I could not reverse my actions in war, as dreadful as they were. Maybe one day she might understand, and we can be friends. Despite my desire for more… I would take whatever she would give me, even if it meant she would not be mine.

The rest of the night was spent in stilted moments. Mrs. Gentry attended to the wounds of the men, and for me, she offered an arnica salve for my cuts and bruises, but my greatest injury remained untouched, unhealed, and may for the rest of my life.

Amelia never left her room. I asked both Daisy and Anna to check on her often, even taking her dinner, but I received no word of her condition.

Through the night, Hunter, Lucas, Zachary, Claude, and I rotated shifts watching the prisoners to allow the runners time to rest before their long journey home. I was grateful the moment they departed at first light knowing I would no longer have to see William Groves’s smug face or listen to his long-winded rants over getting liberated in London.

We already knew what awaited him. Hunter met with Lord Sinclair shortly before he and Luke departed for our lodge. Sinclair agreed to speak against Groves and the other members of the network in exchange for his association remaining unknown and free of prosecution.

Throughout the day, we worked on the bridge, and with the extra hands, the task was completed by the end of the second day. The construction was sturdy enough for anyone on a horse to cross, though not wide enough for a wagon. That would come later.

The completion brought an element of joy and frustration alike. Quick access to the village was the greatest benefit, but knowing that my friends, along with Amelia and her staff, would be on their way soon was disheartening.

Though Hunter, Luke, and Zach had spent the better part of four months helping me, they all had domestic responsibilities that required their immediate returns. I could not thank them enough for all they sacrificed on my behalf. Alongside their pending departures came Amelia’s. It ached deep within to even consider her absence. Before, when I believed she was betrothed I needed her to leave, now that I know she’s not, she would take half my heart with her when she goes.

Gathering in my small study on the third morning since the attack, Hunter, Lucas, and Zach all lifted their glasses in salute to our accomplishments, although Zachary drank punch rather than sherry, and for that we couldn’t be prouder. He had maintained his promise to Evie that he would not drink.

“To you, Jax,” Hunter lifted his glass. “For the efforts you went to in order to expose His Majesties traitors, and for the sacrifice you made for king and country.”

“A sacrifice we all made,” I said. “For when I look around, I see the prices we have all paid… from scars, missing fingers, lost comrades, and lack of peaceful sleep.”

“Here, here,” Luke clinked his glass against mine, then asked, “Will you stay here for the summer and autumn, Jax?”

I shrugged. There might be too many memories.

“You’re welcome to come to Gottling,” Hunter added.

I smiled. “Not with a little one on the way, Hunter, you need that time alone with Gwendolyn.”

He chuckled and said, “She was the one who offered, mate.”

“Give her my thanks.” I sighed. “I know you all would open your homes in a moment’s notice, and for that I am most grateful. But I cannot leave… just yet.”

“Is it due to a certain lovely blonde?” Lucas arched a brow.

I cracked a smile, but it was a sad one. “She hasn’t spoken to me since she learned of my betrayal. I fear that ship has passed.”

“Oh, come now,” Zachary said as he settled into the one chair in the room and crossed his legs at the ankles. “That is not the Jaxon I know… the one who never gives up when presented with a challenge.”

I stared at him as the others fought their own smiles. “But how do I make this right? I can’t take back what I did.”

Lucas frowned. “You did not kill her brother, Jax.”

I wiped a hand down my face. “None of us could profess that in all honesty.”

“The chances are slim, old pal,” Zachary added. “There were hundreds of thousands of men.”

“I say do not give up. She’s remarkable,” Lucas said.

“What do you know of her?”

“I know she and Helena became friends while in London and she is of a brilliant mind, warm, and compassionate.”

I smiled wider. “She is all of those things… and so much more.” I drummed my fingers on my trousers as I leaned against the desk. “What can I do to let her know my heart?”

Hunter smacked me on the shoulder and I winced. He had forgotten his strength and my injuries that were exasperated with the labor on the bridge. “Sorry, Jax.” He chuckled and refilled his glass. “I am certain you will think of something.” Turning to face everyone, he lifted his finger and pointed it at us. “Now I expect you all to be at the christening if I don’t see you before the baby arrives.” He took several swallows and finished off his drink, bowing in our direction. “I am off to Gottling, my friends.”

Lucas stood and replaced his glass on the sideboard. “And I to London where Helena and Charity await.”

I turned to Zach, “And you as well?”

“Yes. Eveline and Patrick are also currently in London, and Claude and Henri will be coming with me.”

“Truly?”

He nodded. “Eveline was only introduced to them a day before we departed for the lodge but has invited them to stay as long as they wish.”

While the brothers had been invited to join us for our final goodbyes, Claude chose to remain with Henri as they prepared to leave.

“Is Henri well enough to travel?” I inquired.

“I have secured a coach for him and Claude from the village. Our doctor will attend him the moment we arrive in London.”

“Good,” I muttered and suddenly felt a profound sense of emptiness at the thought of being alone. “Very well.” I shook myself free of the gloom and smiled. “Thank you for everything. I will forever be in your debt.”

Hunter laughed and winked, “And we will hold you to that.”

I pushed away from leaning against the desk and chuckled as I shook each of their hands. “Safe travels, my fine friends.”

Zach was the last to leave but held back. “All will work out the way it should, Jax.”

I faced my friend. “Do you have any ideas on what I can do? You are so much more versed with the fairer sex than I.”

He laughed out loud. “I am quite out of practice, mate, except for Evie who has me well wrapped around her finger.”

I smiled, slightly envious of each of my friends and their singular devotion.

Zach paused and arched a brow. “What have you learned of Amelia, what makes her smile, or brings her joy? That is where you will find a way back to her.” He bowed. “Although… I highly suggest you begin with a shave and a trim.” He exited the room, laughing the entire way down the corridor.

I rubbed my jaw where I had let my grooming go. Yes, but what else? Her books and writings were important to her. Actually… I tapped my finger against my lips. Who was the man she wanted to see… the lecturer? I opened the study door and eagerly called for Mrs. Gentry, who arrived almost immediately.

“Yes, Mr. Jack?”

“I need to speak with Daisy, would you send her in?”

“Yes, sir.” She eyed my sudden excitement. “Is everything alright?”

“Certainly.” I paused. “Or at least I hope it will be.”

When Daisy arrived, she stood at the entryway of my study apprehensively. We had never spoken in private.

“Daisy, come in and shut the door. I assure you, there is nothing to fear.” I gestured to the chair, and she obediently sat.

“I must ask for your strictest confidence with what we are about to discuss.”

She nodded slowly.

“Whose lecture had you planned on attending at Chipping Campden School?”

“The lecture?”

“Yes, who was speaking?”

“Oh, the antiquarian, Thomas Amyot.”

“Ah, yes, now I remember Amelia mentioning him. And what day was this?”

“May 13 th .”

“Blast,” I mumbled. “Forgive me.” I paced the room.

“He is speaking at other locations, my lord.”

I glanced at her. This was the first time she had addressed me as a lord. It was odd to hear the title again. “Do you know where?”

She shook her head. “It was in the newsprint that Miss Amelia was reading before the accident.”

“Alright.” My mind spun while I muttered to myself, “How can I get Amelia to another one of his lectures?”

Daisy must have heard me.

“My lord, were you unaware of our departure tomorrow morning? Miss Amelia has sent Ennis to the village today to hire a coach. She said we are going straight to Bridport. No other stops. Ennis is also hiring a driver. It’s been decided that Mr. Duncan will ride back to London in Claude and Henri’s coach.”

“So soon?” My heart sank.

“Soon?” I heard the shock in her voice. Of course, it was an insurmountable delay for them, ten days in all.

“Then we must make the best of it tonight.” My thoughts jumbled over one another. “We are having a night of music.” I peered over at the maid. “Will you sing if Mr. Gentry and Ennis will play? We can dance and have a wonderful night before we must say goodbye.” The final word stuck in my throat.

“Y—yes, sir. I s’pose we can do that.”

“Very well, I will make the arrangements with Mrs. Gentry, all you have to do is convince Miss Amelia to come down.”

“I will make sure she is fashionably attired, my lord.”

I smiled. “Even if she came in Anna’s borrowed dress, I would be more thrilled than you can imagine.”

Daisy met my wide smile and hopped to her feet.

“Now, I can assure you that will not happen.” She laughed. “But she will be there.”