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‘I don’t really know where to start … except to say that I’m sorry.’

Christopher sat across from her, looking uncomfortable and embarrassed.

‘It was such a shock to see you in the office,’ he continued, ‘and then your news …’

Helen frowned, angered by the euphemism, but her ex-lover appeared oblivious.

‘It was hard to process it all, but that’s no excuse. I handled it badly and I’m really sorry, Helen. You deserved better.’

‘Agreed.’

‘It must … must have been as surprising, as difficult, for you as it was for me, more so I imagine …’

He was fishing, trying to probe Helen’s feelings about her unexpected pregnancy, but she remained silent. She wasn’t going to give him any steers. She wanted him to say his piece, to show his mettle, so she knew what she was dealing with.

‘I mean it seems crazy to say it, given everything, but we don’t really know each other that well. Is this … is this something you’ve considered? Something you want?’

It was such a direct question, such a searching question, that Helen was momentarily taken aback. She had never talked about this sort of stuff with anyone and instinctively she now shied away from sharing her innermost feelings with a man she barely knew and certainly couldn’t trust.

‘It’s never been an option,’ she replied carefully. ‘My job was too all-consuming and, frankly, too dangerous, so …’

Christopher nodded thoughtfully, trying his hardest to be sympathetic and respectful.

‘And now? I mean obviously your situation has changed …’

Helen’s immediate reaction was to tell him to sling his hook. What right did he have to quiz her about anything?

‘You think that would be a good next step, do you?’ she replied coolly. ‘A woman of my advanced years spending her days at baby music classes with all those yummy mummies?’

‘It doesn’t have to be like that, Helen. There are other ways of doing these things.’

He was trying to be encouraging, supportive even, but Helen just stared at him with incredulity.

‘Sorry, are you actually trying to persuade me to keep the baby?’ she demanded. ‘A child that was conceived accidentally, through subterfuge and infidelity. You think I should roll with the punches, become a single mum, take all this on by myself?’

A couple of customers in the café looked up now, intrigued by the volume and venom of Helen’s response. Lowering her voice, she continued:

‘I mean, what planet are you on? You get to swan back to lovely Alice, whilst I push a buggy around by myself, exhausted, lonely and angry? Is that what you’re suggesting? Because if so, you’ve had a wasted journey.’

‘No, no, no, that’s not what I was suggesting at all,’ Christopher rushed to reassure her. ‘I just wanted to ask you what you felt about it and whether it was something you would ever consider, that’s all. It’s not my position to assume anything.’

‘So, if I decided to keep the baby, you’d what? Provide for its upbringing, pop round at the weekends, if you could persuade Alice to let you, of course …?’

‘Do you really think I’m that shabby, Helen?’ Christopher demanded, suddenly looking angry.

‘Well, I’m a copper by instinct, Christopher. I can only go on the evidence.’

He took that one on the chin, nodding in agreement, his brow furrowed, his expression anxious.

‘Look, I know any explanation I can give will seem insufficient and self-serving,’ he continued eventually, choosing his words carefully, ‘but things have been very difficult between Alice and me for a year or two now. I do love her, but we have drifted, no question. The way things have worked out … well, there’s a distance between us now, a lack of intimacy, and honestly I’m not sure we’re going to make it. ’

Helen stared at him, surprised. They had never had a far-reaching emotional discussion before, had never been really candid with each other, and in spite of her natural inclinations, she believed him.

‘I think this is why I was looking for something else. Some warmth, some fun, some affection. My relationship with Alice now is awkward, difficult for both of us.’

‘So why haven’t you spoken to her, rather than pursuing other women?’ Helen asked, a hard edge to her voice. ‘Why couldn’t you just be honest with her, instead of betraying her, humiliating her? Why couldn’t you do the courageous thing? The right thing?’

Again, her ex-lover offered no defence, accepting the charge. Exhaling slowly, he puffed out his cheeks, clearly finding this difficult. Helen was surprised to see that he looked oddly emotional, even conflicted.

‘Look, the truth is that we’ve been trying for a baby for years now,’ he said quickly, as if keen to get it out in the open.

‘We tried the usual route, then when that didn’t work, IVF.

We’ve done four rounds – which has been bloody awful if I’m honest – and I think we …

I think we both probably feel that it’s not going to happen now. ’

And now Helen saw a sadness, even a grief, in his eyes that she hadn’t been expecting.

‘It’s devastated Alice. It’s all she’s ever wanted and of course she blames herself, when obviously it’s not her fault.

And it’s upset me too. I’m the youngest of four, always wanted a big family myself, and this thing …

this whole process … the emotion of it, the indignity of it, the endless hopes raised then dashed, well, it’s really knocked us both, affected our marriage in ways we could never have anticipated … ’

Helen said nothing, struck forcibly by the dark irony of the situation.

Here was a couple who had tried everything to get pregnant without success, whilst she had managed it accidentally and, if she was honest, unwillingly.

What a sorry mess it all was. As if reading her mind, Christopher now responded:

‘Look, I know this is a really awful situation and I can only apologize again for not being straight with you. I suspect you’d have told me to take a running jump if I had—’

‘Dead right I would.’

‘… but I didn’t do it to deliberately to mislead you, or take advantage of you, please believe me.

I like you, Helen, I care about you. It kills me to think that I’ve sacrificed your good opinion of me through my own stupidity and cowardice, because I’m not a bad guy, I’m really not and I do have feelings for you … ’

He was beseeching her, in deadly earnest, but Helen felt only a rising anger inside her.

‘Sorry, are you making a play for me?’ she countered, shocked. ‘Are you saying you want to make a go of this? To raise this baby together?’

Her tone couldn’t have been more withering, but it seemed to have no effect, Christopher maintaining his earnest expression.

‘Is that something you’d ever consider? I mean I know we’ve got off to the shakiest of starts, but we should at least think about …’

‘But you’re married, for God’s sake. You’re married to Alice, who you swore to be faithful to, who you wanted to have a baby with and now …’

Helen almost couldn’t bring herself to say it.

‘And now you want to switch horses? Without a thought for your wife? For what she’s been through?’

‘No, of course not. I know it won’t be easy, I know this is diffic—’

But Helen was already on her feet, determined not to listen to another word.

‘Jesus, what kind of man are you? After this morning, I didn’t think I could think any less of you, but … Do you really care about anyone, or anything, other than yourself?’

Shocked, Christopher opened his mouth to defend himself, but Helen was already on the move.

There was no way she could listen to another word.

He was a deadbeat, pure and simple, unreliable, faithless and selfish.

It beggared belief that she’d ever been attracted to him, but all that was over now, the scales having fallen from her eyes.

Like it or lump it, she was on her own now.