Page 21

My fingers massaged my forehead as I sat at my desk, my elbow on the mahogany table. I had my eyes fixed on the notebook staring at me, but my concentration was elsewhere.

I had one job this afternoon: to evaluate a patient’s progress. But I seemed to be doing a terrible job at that, considering that my mind was everywhere but on the notebook.

With a soft exhale, I reclined into my chair, rubbing my tired eyes and feeling a slight pang at the back of my head. I barely slept these days, barely thought about anything other than Raziel Tarasov.

How could one man have so much of an effect on me? And why the hell couldn’t I get him out of my mind?

Raziel occupied my head all day, every day, and no matter how hard I tried, it was almost impossible to get rid of him. My eyes drooped to the floor, and my heart paused and skipped a beat. I recalled the way I’d touched myself and called out his name two days ago. It was super embarrassing.

A wave of shame washed over me, and I honestly wanted to hate myself. But despite my reservations, I couldn’t deny the fact that I loved it—the feeling of climaxing with his name on my lips.

Just thinking about it now made my nipples hard and erect, my cunt tingling between my legs. My thighs locked together, and my breathing suddenly became shallow.

Images of my night with Raziel slowly flooded my mind, reminding me of what a great lover he was. My heart raced in my chest as I reminisced on the way he touched me, kissed me, ate me up, and drove inside me.

Heat waves spread across my body, and at the same time, a cold shiver ran down my spine. My hands brushed against my nipples over the fabric of my top, and a flame ignited within me.

“No, no, no, not now…not again,” I muttered under my shallow breath, struggling with the temptation to touch myself in the solitude of my office.

My heart was hammering in my slowly heaving chest, and the illicit pictures playing in my head only worsened my situation. I hated Raziel for this—for ruining my life and making me want him more than ever.

This was torture, and I wasn’t sure how long I’d be able to endure it.

My legs trembled, parting with a slow, cautious move as my manicured hands caressed my thighs. I tried to control myself, considering that I was at the office, but the more I tried, the more vulnerable I became.

I shook my head, massaging my temples as I struggled to shove the growing imagination back in my head. I raised my leg and placed it on the table, imagining being gone on by Raziel. I wanted so badly to feel his tongue parting my folds.

As I thought about how good it would feel if he was here, going down on me, my legs spread apart a little wider. My hand slid down to stimulate my clit, but I was quick to get a hold myself.

“No,” I whispered, my voice laced with a glint of determination as I withdrew my hand and lowered my leg.

I drew a deep breath, struggling to control my desire despite my shuddering body. This wasn’t right; it didn’t feel right, and I couldn’t keep letting my emotions dictate my actions.

Did I still want Raziel Tarasov? Hell, yeah. However, touching myself would only escalate my lust and leave me hanging. It wasn’t worth it.

That instant, my phone buzzed on the table, snapping me back to the present. My eyes darted to the lit screen, and I saw a text from my new buddy. Somehow, Bella was always there to distract me from the overwhelming thoughts of Raziel Tarasov.

The sight of her name alone prompted a small smile on my face until I read the content of the message. It read, “ Hey! My friend Sophie is hosting a yacht party this weekend. You should come—it’ll be fun!”

A faint, almost undetectable frown flashed across my face at the idea of a social gathering. I wasn’t the kind to roll well with a crowd. I loved my privacy and found comfort in my own company. However, considering the kinds of thoughts that occupied my mind these days, maybe being around other people wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all.

The first step to getting Raziel out of my mind was mingling with others, and I couldn’t do that by staying by myself all the time.

I ignored the message and pinched the bridge of my nose. The last time a friend dragged me out of my shell to a nightclub, I witnessed a monster’s outburst. However, this was just a silly excuse to ghost the party.

***

Later that afternoon, I sat on a bench in the garden at the back of the clinic. The scent of fresh flowers wafted through the cool air, blending seamlessly with the aroma of my coffee. I leaned against the backrest, my thermos perched beside me with my legs casually crossed.

One glance at me, and one would think that I exuded confidence and composure, whereas I was falling to pieces deep down inside. I needed to feel the natural air, the gentle breeze against my face, hoping it would help me think straight.

This whole thing with Raziel Tarasov was killing me, and the worst part was that I had no one to talk to. No one at all.

Ever since I asked to be taken off the case, I’d been avoiding my supervisor and colleagues—especially Carol. Dr. Kim had a lot of faith in me despite Carol’s negativity, and now I felt so guilty for letting her down. Maybe Carol was right after all. Maybe I wasn’t ready to take on something as taxing as that.

Luckily, Dr. Kim hadn’t assigned Carol to the case after I asked to be taken off—she would have made my life a living hell here at the clinic. Carol would have taunted me with the case, and my current situation would’ve been worse. Thankfully, the original case Dr. Kim had assigned me to hadn’t gone to Carol, either.

I was still deep in thought when someone conspicuously cleared their throat, their voice pulling me back to the present. I lifted my head, and there she was, Dr. Kim Kurt, her eyes shimmering behind her glasses.

“Doctor,” I called out, my voice laced with surprise and my eyes shining with shock. “Um…hi…” I stuttered, her presence taking me completely off guard.

“May I?” She gestured at the vacant space beside me.

I swallowed hard, hesitating for a second because I knew this was it—this was the moment we’d speak about the elephant in the room.

God! I wasn't ready to have this conversation with her—not now.

I scratched the back of my head reflexively. “Yeah, sure.”

Her lips curled into a faint grin, and she sat beside me, her eyes fixed on the horizon.

I could almost hear the sound of my heart pounding like a drum in my chest, but I tried to the best of my ability to stay composed.

“Are you alright?” She turned to face me, her expression soft and welcoming.

My eyes squinted, a little puzzled by her inquisition. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“‘I'm fine’ is a default reply people give when they don’t wanna share something that’s bothering them,” she said, her tone mild and gentle.

Her gaze and her words somehow softened my heart, creating a calm and more serene atmosphere fit for a confession.

I managed to squeeze out a smile and a light, forced chuckle. “This isn’t a default reply; I’m fine, really.”

Her small grin broadened, and she adjusted a little bit closer. “Clarice, I’ve been in this line of work long enough to know when someone’s lying…or when they’re hiding something.”

My heart sank into my stomach, and my breath lodged in my throat. I’d been caught. Maybe she knew about the incident, the mistake, and now I was in some serious trouble.

“You’ve been distant lately,” she continued, her eyes locked to mine. “You’re easily distracted, and you seem like you’re dealing with something heavy.” She looked me dead in the eyes and asked, “Is there something you wanna talk about?”

My heartbeat escalated, and my pulse quickened, my brain going blank for a moment. Was this a trick question? Was this an opportunity for me to come clean because she already knew the truth? What should I do now?

“You’re ashamed, aren't you?” she asked, looking at me. “You’re ashamed that you couldn’t handle the client I assigned to you. Is that it?”

It was like a wind of relief had blown across my face when she asked this. Although she was on the right track, Dr. Kim was oblivious to the real deal, and it was best to keep it that way.

I let out a soft sigh, rubbing my eyes. “It’s embarrassing to chicken out the way I did, especially because you believed in me,” I said, scratching the surface of the truth without delving deep.

She exhaled sharply. “Maybe the fault is on me.”

My brows arched, and my eyes widened ever so slightly. “What? No!” came my objection.

“Maybe it is,” she insisted. “I convinced you to handle a case that I knew was way above your ability. I expected so much from you, and whatever that expectation resulted in is my fault.”

“Doctor—”

“Enough with the modesty, Clarice,” she cut me off, her voice smooth and easy. “This wasn’t entirely your fault. I shouldn't have assigned you to Raziel Tarasov, knowing the kind of man that he is.” She paused, staring right at me. “Did he hurt you?”

He fucked me—that’s what he did, I thought to myself.

However, with a steady voice, I replied, “No. No, he didn’t.”

She studied for a moment before saying, “Okay, that’s good.” Dr. Kim drew a deep breath and continued. “This job can be traumatizing at times, but I can guarantee you it gets better. Now, I’m not sure what your reason is for pulling away. But I’m certain that you never would’ve done so if you didn’t think it was necessary.”

I felt my eyes misting at her consoling words, and my heart melted.

She placed a hand on my shoulder and stared into my eyes. “For what it’s worth, you did a good job with Raziel Tarasov.”

My lips curled into a smile, and I wiped a lone tear from my cheek. “Thank you, Doc.”

Her smile widened, and she rose to her feet, taking her leave. Dr. Kim paused a few paces away from me and added, “Oh, and one more thing.” She turned around, her eyes locked on me. “You should go out more often. Staying by yourself all the time won’t do you any good.”

“Copy that.” I let out a soft chuckle.

She beamed at me and turned back around, her footsteps receding as she dematerialized, leaving me to my thoughts.

I smoothed my hair backward, exhaling sharply. “That went well,” I muttered under my breath. In fact, it went better than I had expected.

Dr. Kim was right; I needed to go out more often.

Without a second thought, I withdrew my phone from my pocket and replied to Bella’s text. As I typed in the words, my fingers darted rapidly across the lit screen. “Count me in.” I hit the send button and locked my phone’s screen.

***

After work that evening, I decided to browse the shops for something to wear. These weren’t my regular kinds of outings, and I had absolutely no idea how to prepare for it.

I found my way into a boutique, and while wandering through the racks of dresses, I couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched. As my fingers ran over soft silks and shimmering sequins, I felt a prickle at the back of my neck.

With a discreet move, I glanced out the floor-to-ceiling window and caught a man in a leather jacket standing across the street. He was leaning against a wall with a hat that concealed his face.

I’d seen the same guy earlier while moving between stores. He’d obviously been following me. At first, I wasn’t sure that was the case, but seeing him across the street from the shop I was in cleared away my doubts. Whoever he was, I was certain that he worked for Raziel.

A pang of annoyance swelled up within me, and my jaw tightened. Was he so obsessed that he had his men following me around? That was a low blow, even for him.

But I wasn’t going to let his lingering presence bother me. If Raziel thought that this little game would intimidate me, then he had something else coming. I didn’t give two shits if he watched my every move.

If watching me was what he wanted to do, then by all means, let him feast his eyes.