Page 17
“I feel so guilty, you know,” he said, burying his face in his palms, his voice cracking under the weight of his self-reproach. He raised his head and met my gaze, his lips trembling as regret flickered in his eyes. “She was my best friend’s girlfriend, and I slept with her,” he added. “What kind of a friend does that make me? How can I ever stare at Liam’s face again, knowing what I did?”
His name was Bernard, a portly young man with fine facial hair and a pair of green eyes. Bernard was my patient for today. I’d asked to be assigned to anyone but Raziel Tarasov. Dr. Kim Kurt had asked why the sudden request was made, but I was a little bit vague on my reasons.
However, I was lucky that she granted my request and transferred Harry Winfrey to the case. Harry was one of the oldest staff members at the clinic, and he was good at what he did, making him the perfect candidate for the job.
I was certain that Dr. Kim would eventually seek better answers from me as to why I abandoned the case mid-way. How was I supposed to tell her the truth? How was I supposed to tell her that I broke the rule and slept with my client?
Just like Bernard, I, too, was battling with my own guilt, but unlike him, I didn’t have anyone that I could talk to. Here I was, seated in front of my patient, attempting to provide a solution to his problem while I was still wallowing in mine.
Listening to him was the hardest part of this process because although I was physically present, mentally, I wasn’t. My mind was busy drifting in and out of the conversation as I struggled to fight this intense guilt gnawing at me.
I knew for a fact that I’d feel guilty after having sex with Raziel Tarasov. But I didn’t think I’d feel this much shame and regret. It was almost unbearable to the point that I had to run away like a coward, abandoning the case and the man in desperate need of my help, all so I wouldn’t look at him.
Bernard’s voice cut through my thoughts like a knife, snapping me back to reality. “Doc, I can’t eat. I can’t do anything because I’m crippled by this…this giant pit in my stomach,” he explained, his tone laced with remorse, pain, and regret.
“Bernard, I understand how you feel,” I said, looking into those misted eyes of his.
He shook his head. “No, Doc, I don’t think you do,” he said, doubt overshadowing his tone.
I drew a deep breath and leaned forward, my gaze pinned on him. “Trust me, Bernard, I know what it’s like to feel guilty. I know how much pain comes with regret…I do.” I paused for a moment, as if letting the words take a toll on him. “But we can’t change the past— we can't undo what we've done. We can only learn from our mistakes.”
He rose to his feet, his palms smoothing his hair backward, a glint of frustration creeping into his tone. “That’s the problem, Doc…I can’t learn from my mistake.”
I jerked my head, squinting with a puzzled look on my face. “What do you mean?”
He hesitated for a second, rubbing the back of his neck. “I want more,” he declared, meeting my gaze again. “I know it’s wrong, but I can’t get enough of her.” Bernard paused, and a realizing scoff escaped his lips. “I think I’m obsessed, Doc. Fuck! I’m in deeper shit than I thought.” He sank into the sofa, the leather crunching beneath his weight.
I swallowed hard, my heart pounding in my chest as I wondered the same thing. Was I also…? No. I couldn’t be. Right? If I was obsessed, I wouldn’t have abandoned the case. Right? Fuck!
It was almost like I was starting to lose my mind, and despite the countless questions echoing in my head, one thing was certain: I wanted more of him. I wanted more of Raziel Tarasov.
Bernard’s and my situation had a lot in common, and I was just as confused and messed up as he was. I needed help, too. I needed clarity and a way out of this problem that I’d created by myself. I had tried to convince myself that I acted under the influence of a moment of weakness. I was weak and horny, and he took advantage of that.
But did he really?
Raziel had asked me to tell him to stop, that he would back off if I did. He gave me the chance to flee from that temptation, but I didn’t. This was on me, and it was useless to try to play the victim. I knew the truth.
Now to the big question: How was I supposed to fix Bernard when the same thing that broke him had broken me? He and I were in the same boat: clueless, helpless, and desperate for intervention. How would I give what I didn’t have?
“I’m losing my mind here, Doc,” he said, his voice low and faint. “I don’t know what to do.”
As I shaped my mouth, ready to respond, the front door immediately swung open. The sudden, unauthorized entry startled me, and I raised my head toward the entrance. My heart stopped for a while, and my breath lodged in my throat the moment my eyes fell on the man by the door.
Raziel.
He stood there, his cold, piercing eyes boring into mine, his gaze intense and intimidating. His slightly tousled hair framed his chiseled face, and his scowl accentuated his ruggedness. With slow, menacing footsteps, he walked further into the room.
I clenched my jaw, tightly gripping my pen in an attempt to remain composed. The fury in his eyes sent shivers down my spine, and I could feel the heat spreading across my body. I was sweating in awkward places, and my heart wouldn’t quiet; it wouldn’t stop hammering in my slowly heaving chest.
My hands trembled, and absolute fear overwhelmed me, almost crippling me—literally.
“What the hell, man? You can’t just barge in here!” Bernard snapped, rising to his feet.
I tried to stop him, knowing it was a shitty move and that he might end up losing at least a tooth, but I couldn’t find my voice. Raziel’s commanding presence had left me numb.
Bernard faced off against Raziel, and the moment he met Raz’s cold and dangerous eyes, he froze. His throat wobbled, and his eyes widened slightly, like he was looking at the devil himself, transfixed and rooted to the floor.
Raziel balled both hands into fists, his intense glare pinned on the portly man who dared challenge him.
Bernard’s hands trembled, fear flickering in his eyes as he withdrew slowly, taking backward steps away from Raz. Without saying anything, Raziel stepped forward, his blazing eyes never leaving Bernard’s. The intensity of his glare alone sent Bernard running like a scared little cat.
He zoomed out of the office, and the door clicked shut behind him, leaving just me and Raz alone to ourselves. Bad idea.
“What is the meaning of this?” I rose to my feet, my voice dripping with venom and disdain.
Transforming my fear into anger was the only way that I could survive his suffocating presence. Besides, I couldn’t let him see how much of an effect he had on me.
“Have you no respect? I was in the middle of a session with a patient, for Christ's sake!” I snapped, my scowl deepening.
He grasped my hand, his firm grip tightening around my wrist as he pulled me closer to himself. “You think you can run away from me?” He leaned forward, his eyes boring into mine, his voice low and malicious. “You can’t. I own you,” he growled.
My heart sank into my chest at the weight of his words, and my knees quaked, my legs turning to jelly. The possessiveness in his tone inflicted me with an unsettling mix of fear and something I didn’t want to name.
“You’re delusional if you think you can just ditch me,” he hissed, his eyes never leaving my face. “You’re mine, Clarice. I owned you the day you let me take your innocence,” he added, his voice deep and husky. “The sooner you understand that, the better.”
I could almost hear the sound of my own heart pounding like a drum, threatening to jump out of my chest. I held his gaze, my lips shuddering subtly as I glared at him, feigning defiance even though deep down, I was scared to death.
Raziel had put the fear of God in me, and now I couldn’t even find my voice or squirm out of his hold.
The door opened, and a pair of heels clicked against the floor. “What’s going on here?” Dr. Kim’s voice cut through the tension hovering in the air.
Raziel let go of my hand before she walked over to us, her gaze shifting across our faces. “Is everything okay?” she asked, throwing the question at me.
“Everything’s fine,” I replied without taking my eyes off Raziel. “He was just leaving.”
His intense gaze lingered on me a little longer before he turned around and walked away without saying a word.
I let out a soft sigh of relief, my jaw tightening to mask my nervousness. His words echoed in the back of my mind, leaving me breathless and shaken, scared to my bones. The reality I’d long dreaded had now come knocking on my door, reminding me that I was in trouble. Big trouble.