Page 22 of I’m Not Yours

“I sat in that hospital bed and I cried for the baby. I thought the tears would never stop. That baby has never left my heart, ever. I kept thinking about you, Jace, and how our baby, our baby , was gone, because of my recklessness, my stupidity. I never should have gone back to that trailer.”

“This didn’t happen because of you; it happened because of your father.” Jace swore; he was so furious with my dad he was shaking. “You should have told me you were pregnant. I would have come for you.”

“I felt awful for not telling you, Jace, but you were in med school and I was afraid that you would leave med school because you would feel obligated to take care of the baby, and I . . . I knew you wanted to be a doctor more than anything. It was your dream.” My hands fluttered.

“I also worried that you would marry me, but it would be out of obligation. My self-esteem was so low then, it could not have gotten lower if someone had taken a sledgehammer to it, and my dad’s words were ping-ponging back and forth in my head: I was nothing, you were a doctor, you would never want me. ”

“I have always wanted you, Allie, always. I have never wavered. Were you even going to tell me about the baby? Was I going to have a kid in this world and I wouldn’t have even known about it?”

I could tell the thought infuriated him.

“I was going to tell you after I gave birth to the baby. I thought I’d have the baby, graduate from college, get a job, then tell you, so you wouldn’t feel like you had to take care of me; I wouldn’t be a burden.

I grew up poor, Jace, and being a burden to someone else made me feel ill.

My dad had always told me I was a burden, that my mother was a burden, and I could tell he hated me for it. I didn’t want you to hate me.”

“I would never hate you. Do you honestly think you and our baby would be a burden to me?”

“At that time, in that chaos, yes. I had no money, no degree yet, no job.”

We were quiet, my hand in his. He wiped his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Allie,” he said gruffly. “I should have delayed medical school to be with you, waited until you graduated, worked where you were going to school, but instead I left you.”

“You had to leave. It was a prestigious university, an incredible opportunity.”

“I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there for you. I am so sorry.”

“How could you have been? I broke up with you. You wrote and called—”

“I should have come to see you.”

“After I broke up with you, you told me you were coming, Jace, so we could talk. I told you not to, that there was a Zack in my life. I hope you can forgive me, I really do. I have been sorry every single day since it happened—”

“Allie, please, honey, I do forgive you; there’s nothing to forgive.

” He brought my hand to his lips and kissed it.

“You were pregnant, you were scared, you were young, I was gone, your dad had a heart attack, and you were trapped in that trailer, being abused. Let go of that guilt. You have to. Your dad was a hateful, dangerous, violent man and you ran from him when he started throwing things at your head.” He clenched his fists.

“If he were here I would beat him down to nothing.”

“I would enjoy watching that.”

His expression changed to confusion. “But after you lost the baby, why didn’t you call and tell me? I had a right to know. It was my baby, too.”

“You did have a right. I knew that losing the baby would hurt you and I thought . . .” I put my hand on his face. “I thought I was protecting you from knowing about that loss.”

“But I called you again a couple of months later. I thought you needed space. I was hoping you would break up with Zack, but you never called back. Why? I don’t understand, Allie.

This whole thing is not making sense. You didn’t tell me about the baby because you didn’t want me to drop out of school, you didn’t want to be a burden, but then you didn’t try to contact me again, either, after the baby died. ”

“I wanted to be with you, Jace.” An anguished cry left my throat.

“There’s one more thing. One more terrible thing.

When I was in the hospital the doctors told my dad, and he told me, that because of the damage I sustained in the fall against the rock .

. .” Oh no, oh no. I put a hand to my trembling lips.

“They told me I wouldn’t be able to have kids. ” His face paled.

“I think he was happy telling me that.” My voice pitched high, my dad’s total lack of love and kindness stunning.

“He was drunk and he said that no man would want me now, especially not a doctor like you, and I might as well come back home to the trailer with him. Though I never set foot in his trailer again, I thought he was right. I knew you wanted kids, you wanted a family, and I couldn’t have any.

Depriving you of kids wasn’t fair. I knew you would always miss that part of your life, and you would be such a good dad.

Since I hadn’t told you about the baby, there was no reason to tell you I couldn’t have kids, because I knew I wouldn’t be your wife anyhow. ”

He wiped his eyes again and sighed deeply, then picked me up and put me on his lap and leaned back against the couch. “First, Allie, I’m sorry you can’t have kids. I truly am, but you made a decision that affected both our lives. You made it by yourself, without me.”

“I did, and I am so sorry.” The tears rolled off my chin. “I thought it was the best one, at the time. I was so screwed up.”

“We lost years together. Years. You decided to act alone. I had no say. I had no say in our life.” His eyes swam in tears.

“Allie, when you broke up with me, everything went black in my life. That’s why I worked so hard in medical school, to keep that blackness away.

I missed you every single day. Everyone else complained about the long hours at medical school.

I was glad of them; they kept me from falling apart. ”

“I felt that same blackness. It clung to me. I went back to school, graduated, and drowned myself in relentless work so I couldn’t think, so I could block out missing you and the baby, and what we could have had.”

“Allie, I love you. I want you. If we can’t have kids together, that’s the way it is. I want us to be together—”

“But, Jace, you will live your whole life without kids if you’re with me.”

“I’ll live it that way, then. Or we’ll adopt. From here in America; foster kids; kids from abroad. Families come together in different ways, babe, and you and I are a family, and whoever else we put in our family is part of our family, too.”

“But Jace—”

“Allie, we were meant to be together. I knew it when I fell in love with you up at Yellowstone. I know it now. I have had this place in my heart, forever, that has wanted to be with you, that has missed you, that’s been lonely for you.

Honey, I love you with all that I am. You and I should be together, always.

I want to marry you. I would marry you tomorrow if you would agree. Please, Allie.”

“Really, Jace? Even without kids?”

“Yes, of course. Say yes, Allie. Say yes to us. I want you to be my wife more than I want anything, more than I will ever want anything.”

I felt like the Grinch whose heart grew three sizes. “Yes, Jace. Yes to us.” I kissed him, my arms around his neck, his arms holding me tight. “I love you, Jace Rios. I always have, I always will.” We made love on the couch.

Then in the hot tub.

We had tacos for dinner.

It was a most excellent night.