Page 22 of If I See You Again

David

G etting out of the house seemed to be the right call. While Malcolm seemed to still be a bit on the morose side, he didn’t seem quite as out of it after his father had brought up the year his brother died. Or that’s what I assumed he’d been alluding to, anyway.

Taking a chance, I weaved my fingers with Malcolm’s. When he held my hand back, not resisting me, something in my chest unwound. It felt right.

The air was still crisp, filled with dew from the early morning fog. We kept walking in silence until I couldn’t handle it anymore. “Is it too hard to be here?”

Malcolm sighed, slowing his pace, before turning and giving me a sad smile.

“Most times. But it’s also good. I can’t keep avoiding it.

Marcus wouldn’t have wanted that. He would have wanted us to move on with our lives and to keep living for him.

Maybe it’s because we were twins, but I’ve never quite felt whole since he died… ”

I stopped walking, pulling him close and wrapping my arms around him.

We stood there in the middle of the sidewalk, not caring that this was his childhood neighborhood or if people could see us.

Everything about this man fit with me, and I was terrified that this was still temporary.

That the second we made it back to Chicago, he’d yank it all away again. I wanted something real. I wanted him .

“I’ve never experienced something like that. I can’t imagine what it feels like, but I can tell you I want to do my best to fill those empty places in your life. Let me be what makes you feel whole again.”

The longer we stood there, the less unsure I felt about putting my heart on the line. Was he letting me in? Was he going to give it a real chance?

But my growing certainty was soon snuffed out the second he pulled away without acknowledging what I’d said.

Malcolm’s hand slipped from mine as he turned to walk again, but I wasn’t going to let it slide.

There was no way. We needed to address this because I couldn’t continue to let him walk all over my feelings.

“Malcolm.”

He stopped and when he looked at me again, his stunning green eyes were filled with tears.

“You don’t seem to understand—”

“What do you think I don’t understand?”

Malcolm sighed, threading his fingers through his hair and pulling at the strands. “As much as I want to give in, and trust me when I say I do, but it’s not that easy. I’ve already told you I’m scared.”

“But it is that easy. Let me take care of you.”

He shook his head, a small laugh leaving his lips. “David, I don’t need someone to take care of me. I’ve been taking care of myself my whole adult life. You’re sort of forced to when everything falls apart.”

This was a disaster. It wasn’t what I’d intended by getting him out of the house. I wanted him to know that it was okay to lean on someone else.

“Malcolm, would you just stop?”

“I appreciate it, David. I do. Being here with you has helped. It doesn’t feel quite as suffocating, but I couldn’t even tell my mother that it killed me to be kicked out of the damn kitchen this morning.”

We stood in an awkward sort of standoff for a moment. “Why couldn’t you tell her that?”

“Because that’s how she deals with it. On the outside, we look fine. She invites all these people over and puts on this show, like we’re the perfect, happy family. But no, we’re not. We shattered the second they put Marcus in the ground.”

The unsettling quiet surrounded us again.

The only thing that broke it up was the wind rustling the leaves in the tree, breaking them free, and sending them to the ground.

It was a strange metaphor for what we were talking about.

The cycle of life and death was often cruel and made little sense.

No one should have had to experience it the way Malcolm’s family had.

“So what happens now? You clearly don’t want to spend the rest of your life alone, or you wouldn’t have been trying to date. Were you trying to sabotage things by telling them about your brother?”

Malcolm’s eyes widened, like I’d hit a sore spot.

“That’s not fair.”

“It’s not? I’m just trying to understand.

You’ve run so damn hot and cold since I met you.

There’s something about you that pulls me in.

I’ve never once considered a serious relationship, and yes, I know how that sounds coming from someone who’s thirty-five, but something about you changed that.

You intrigued me. I wanted to know about the guy who had secrets, like, where that scar came from. ”

Malcolm wiped at his face as tears streamed more freely down his cheeks. I wanted to wrap him up in my arms, but there were things I still needed to say.

“And when you did tell me, it didn’t detract from who you are.

Most people wouldn’t give something like that up.

Malcolm, you are an amazing human who sacrificed something huge to save someone you loved.

I said it then, and I’ll say it again now: anyone who ran because of that was stupid and a waste of your time. ”

We stood in silence some more, while everything in me screamed to pull him close.

To not let him run. Make him confront what was happening, because while it had been fast, this man meant more to me than anyone ever had.

Yes, it sucked that we had the issue of being in a professional relationship as well, but my hope was that it would make everything better.

Make everything stronger. He just needed to stop being so damn stubborn.

“David…”

God, he sounded so small. So shaky. My hands twitched at my sides, almost giving in to the urge to reach for him, but I waited him out. He had to make the move here. My cards were on the table, and it was his turn. I motioned for him to continue, not giving in to my need to hold and coddle him.

“Maybe that’s it. My brother was my whole world. Losing something like that? Yeah, that fucked me up pretty bad. Maybe it was an excuse. I don’t really know. It doesn’t change the fact that you’re basically my boss.”

“So forget that I hired you for a job. Would that change things?”

Malcolm sniffled, wiped at his nose, and shook his head. “I—I don’t know. You make me feel things and…” He sighed. “I don’t know. David, I already said this was scary. I can’t lose someone else the same way I lost him.”

Not that it was funny, but I couldn’t help the small snort. “Well, the good news is that I’m healthy as an ox.”

And that seemed to break all the tension because in the next moment, Malcolm was in my arms, face pressed into my neck as tears soaked the collar of my sweater. My hands roamed his back as his body shook with sobs.

“It’s not funny, David. But I appreciate you trying to make me feel better about all of it. It doesn’t change the fact that the fear is still there.”

My arms tightened around him. “I’m not saying it’s funny. Any time you’re afraid, that fear is legitimate. You feel that way for a reason.”

Malcolm didn’t pull away, only buried himself deeper against me. Nothing could come between us. The wind could try, but there was no way.