Page 23

23

LONDON, 1986

“OK, go from the top of the chorus one more time,” says Ben’s producer friend Vaughan through Nicole’s headphones.

Ben strums his guitar on the high stool beside her, counting her in.

“ There are things I could never teach you, no matter how hard I try,

Because only you can decide how high you fly,

I can set you on your way and catch you if you fall,

But only you will know…”

“ That’s great! ” says Vaughan. “But can we just try something? Will you humor me for three more minutes?”

Nicole nods, happy to give him all the time in the world because there’s no place she’d rather be than here in this converted spice mill, making music. With you , she says to herself, looking at Ben.

She immediately gives herself a shake, refusing to follow the millions of other girls down that well-traveled road. She’s not one of them . She’s not Cassie, who fantasizes about being with someone she barely knows, naive to the fact that the life she covets is barely a life lived.

Because being around Ben is exhausting. Just last week, he’d been desperate to see the new Police Academy film and, despite Nicole’s protestations, he’d insisted that she go with him.

“It’ll be fine,” he’d said, when she’d told him it was too risky. “It’s the midnight showing, so there’ll be no one around.”

“It’s not other people I’m worried about,” she’d said. “It’s the paps. They seem to be able to sniff you out a mile away.”

Ben had smiled that lopsided smile of his, which despite herself had made Nicole’s insides flutter. “If they want to run a picture of us, put two and two together and come up with five, that’s fine by me.”

“Oh, well as long as it’s OK by you ,” said Nicole.

He’d pulled a face at her sarcastic tone. “Sorry, are you embarrassed to be seen with me?”

Nicole sighed. “No, but it’s not always about you. Other people have lives they don’t want splashed all over the front pages of the newspaper.”

“Have you got a secret boyfriend who doesn’t know about me?” he’d teased, sailing a little too close to the truth to be funny.

Aaron had stepped up his efforts to win her back in recent weeks, even going so far as to sit in on her set at Dallinger’s and follow her home, begging her to give him another chance. His pining made her nervous, the thought of him finding out about Ben ever-present, though it didn’t cause her quite as many sleepless nights as the thought of Cassie finding out.

“There’s nothing to know,” she said to Ben, shutting down the thoughts in her head. “We’re making music—that’s it.”

“You know, most girls would go out of their way to get photographed with me,” he said. “Some have even leaked where we’re going to be, just for the exposure.”

“Well, I’m not most girls.”

Ben had smiled. “You think I don’t know that?”

So, against Nicole’s better judgment, she had agreed to Ben dropping her off outside the cinema on Curzon Street, before having his chauffeur drive around the block a few times to give her time to get the tickets and popcorn. Then Ben had rushed through the foyer, careful to avoid eye contact with anyone, and they’d sneaked into the back row just as the lights went down.

They’d giggled about their subterfuge once they were inside, but getting back out again was a different matter. He’d left first, expecting to be able to put his head down and get straight into the waiting car outside, but it seemed that word had got out. Because by the time the film had finished, there was a baying mob in the foyer who the management were having trouble controlling.

The screams had echoed around the still-dark cinema as Ben had opened the door, and Nicole had instinctively slid down into her seat, frightened by the noise but even more terrified that her cover would be blown. Not to the population of 56 million, but to the young girl sitting at home who would feel so utterly betrayed by her sister’s deceit.

“OK, so Nicole, how do you feel about Ben leading on your mum’s lines?” asks Vaughan from behind the glass partition.

Nicole screws up her face. “Like a duet, you mean?”

“I just want to hear how it sounds with a dual perspective,” he says. “Because the words can so easily lend themselves to any parent talking to their child.”

“But…” starts Nicole, stopping when she asks herself why not.

“It’s just an idea,” says Vaughan. “We don’t have to do anything with it, but I think it’s worth getting it laid down, even if it’s just for yourselves.”

Nicole looks at Ben, who shrugs his shoulders compliantly. “It might be fun to give it a go,” he says.

The difference between singing all the words herself and splitting the lines with Ben brings out emotions that Nicole wouldn’t have thought possible. Her fingertips tingle as they share a microphone, the spark between them so intimate that it feels as if they’ve transcended boundaries she hadn’t even known she’d put up. When they finish, there’s an electrically charged silence that weighs heavy in the air.

“Wow!” says Vaughan, breathlessly into their headphones.

Nicole shifts awkwardly, avoiding eye contact with Ben, even though it feels like they’ve just seen each other without their clothes on.

“Did you feel that?” asks Ben, looking at her, awestruck.

“No,” she says quickly, needing to nip whatever that was—this is—in the bud.

Ben sighs as he gives a nod to Vaughan, who discreetly lets himself out of his soundproof box, disappearing from view.

“What are you so afraid of?” Ben asks, standing up.

“ Me? ” retorts Nicole. “I’m not afraid of anything—only the things I can’t control.”

He nods knowingly. “And you feel you can control this ?”

Nicole bites down on her lip, refusing to let him see the resolve, which she’s tried so hard to uphold these past few weeks, from slipping.

“You can’t be so blind as to not see what’s going on here?” he says, his eyes burning into her, offering no escape.

She wants to scream at him that of course she can feel it. She’s felt it ever since he spoke to her at the bar, ever since she heard his voice on the phone, ever since he pulled her to him in the car. But she won’t give in to it— she can’t .

“You’re not like any other girl I’ve ever met,” he says, coming toward her.

She instinctively stiffens as she barricades herself behind invisible walls.

“You’ve got a real talent,” he says, tucking a stray piece of copper-colored hair behind her ear. “You’re going places…”

“And I suppose you think you’re going to ride my coattails?” she says, laughing sarcastically.

“There you go again ,” he says. “Using humor to deflect a compliment or ward off anything you don’t want to talk about.”

He’s standing so close that Nicole can feel the heat of his body against hers.

“I value your friendship and I wouldn’t want to do anything to jeopardize it, but I think we’re both fooling ourselves if we truly believe that’s all this is.”

A breath catches in Nicole’s throat as she watches Ben’s mouth move toward hers, as if in slow motion.

“No, no, no!” screams her head. “Yes, yes, yes!” cries every other part of her anatomy.

As his lips meet hers, she vaguely recalls thinking, “It’s just a kiss, a one-off—nothing more.”

So how come they end up in bed together, back at her flat?