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Travis Finds Some Weird Shit
W eird shit is going down and I just stumbled headfirst into it.
The weekend was good. We had an away game, which we won, and then we all got shitfaced. I spent Sunday sleeping it off and come Monday I’m not prepared for what walks into class and starts teaching.
It's Dr. Foster, but not Dr. Foster. I’m pretty sure it’s the same guy, only with Jersey Shore levels of plastic surgery that completely healed in less than two days.
Shaving off that nasty beard and getting a decent haircut, getting new glasses, wearing a suit—and seriously, what professor wears a suit?—all that shit is surface cosmetics. Seriously unexpected, but doable. The rest though…
He doesn’t have the same shape as he did on Friday. His new suit fits his new body perfectly and you can see he’s still not built like… well… me, he’s still all muscle. He no longer looks like I could break him in half with one pinkie. I mean, I could still break him in half, but I’d have to put some effort into it.
His face is different, like his skull is a different shape or something. He’s handsome now and I swear it has dick all to do with just shaving off his gross neck beard. He’s gone from the equivalent of a chore to get through to some guy I’d do probably illegal things with in the back of a dance club. Even without a condom. Yes, he is that hot.
I am suspicious.
I seem to be the only one, though. I look around and while there are people who have noticed his miraculous transformation, none of them seem shocked or upset. I’m not exactly a brain trust and I see it—why don’t they? It’s sus as fuck and I’d like to know what the fuck is going on.
And whether or not I’ll still be able to suck my way to an okay grade. I still have priorities and shit.
Back at my dorm I hop on my laptop and go to the font of all knowledge. No, not Wikipedia. Reddit. If anyone knows what’s going on there is a one hundred percent chance they’ve made a sub-Reddit about it. I just need to figure out how to get there.
About an hour later and I’m ass deep in alien conspiracy theories. I think it might be more than a conspiracy, though. I think this might be an all-out invasion of alien pod people. Only there isn’t a lot of agreement over the actual presence of pods. Not that it fucking matters. Pods or not, weird shit is going down. If this bunch of nerdy idiots is right, we’re in the midst of a damn alien invasion, stealth-style, and among only a small group of people who realize it.
A leading theory, and one I’m leaning toward, is an intergalactic parasite going around brainwashing people and controlling them like these zombie ants that I did not need to see pictures of, thank you so much watch_hog77. So gross. But I get what he’s saying. Something is going around the world changing people overnight and nearly everyone else doesn’t notice. It’s super weird, but I’m also glad to not be the only one.
That thing in class today was not Dr. Foster, but it was wearing a Dr. Foster meat suit, only it first took the suit to the cleaners then had it tailored to fit better.
The other thing is a dramatic change in eye color to gold, purple, or green. That’s a good way to spot them in the wild, according to BigMackDaddy. They’ll be perfectly physically fit, be wearing brand new clothes, act weird and disoriented, and have the crazy colored eyes. This is useful for those of us in the Midwest. BigMackDaddy says you can usually pick them out reacting to snow. I have a feeling they’re gonna have a harder time in LA, but those fuckers can figure their own shit out.
Another thing—these pod people or whatever definitely aren’t zombies. They appear to have free will, they’re just not the same person they were before the transformation. The former occupant is gone and there’s a new one in charge now. Don’t tell me that’s not some alien bullshit. A few of these dudes think the change is from something here on Earth, but I don’t buy that theory. This shit is new. Alien invasion makes the most sense. Mutant super intelligent mushrooms are just stupid.
Beyond that, don’t look at me for answers. I hate science. And math. And especially statistics.
I made a post about my “sucking cock for a C” deal with the real Dr. Foster asking what to do. There are a lot of opinions in the thread, but my favorite is from PrincessBeyotch: “Dude. One small suck for man, one giant blow job for gaykind. Take one for the team then report back on alien jizz. We require deets. All the disgusting deets.”
I guess that means I’m doing this thing.
Any sane person would stay the fuck away from the new and most likely alien Professor Creepyboots. I, though, still have that whole “failing statistics” problem. If I don’t do something then I’m gonna fail the class. If I fail, Coach will be all up in my nut sack for fucking up my GPA. Then my dad will rip my nuts completely off and make me into the girl my mom always wanted.
He's probably kidding, but still. Creepy-scary or not, I’m gonna ask Professor Pod Person about our appointment on Friday for “extra credit.” Even pod people like their dicks sucked, right? A change in management shouldn’t have to fuck up a previous arrangement.
I just hope alien jizz doesn’t melt my insides.