12
Chuck Meets an Octopus
“ H ow was your breakfast, hon?”
The question is from a female human aged half a century of solars. Her name is Peggy and she has brought us food and beverages in a building filled with other humans.
“I thought nothing could be more delicious than chicken, but I was wrong. Chicken and waffles must have been created by a culinary genius.”
Peggy stares at me for a few seconds then smiles. “Glad you liked it,” she says then scurries off.
“Travis, why does Charles insist we are eating at a greasy spoon? The eating utensils were acceptably clean.”
Travis snorts. “Classic Charles. A greasy spoon is another name for a diner. And before you ask, that’s a restaurant and a restaurant is a place where they serve you food in exchange for money.”
“So there are many places to obtain chicken?”
“Tons.” Travis takes out his wallet, puts several of the paper-like representations of human currency on the table, then stands. “Come on. We’re going to see the octopus. It’s maybe half a mile away. Let’s walk it.”
I do not like this cold but I’m as warm as I can be in a thermal coat, insulated gloves, and warm boots. On the way there, the sky begins to precipitate tiny clumps of frozen dihydrogen monoxide particles. It’s breathtaking, although Charles assures me that it’s just snow and nothing to get excited about.
Travis turns when he realizes I’m no longer behind him. “Shit, those dudes on Reddit were right about the snow. Come on, Professor. You can look at it while we walk.”
“It’s beautiful,” I say.
Travis shrugs. “I guess. Mostly it’s a pain in the ass. Okay. We’re about to cross a very busy street. Don’t stop and stare at the snow or some car will end up running your cute ass over. You got me?”
“Yes, of course I have you. You are the one I have chosen.”
“That’s both creepy and sweet, Chuck.” Travis is grinning at me, though, so I do not think he minds me being creepy. “Okay, the light just turned. Let’s go.”
We walk swiftly across the wide street and make it safely to the other side. From there we walk on a path through an expanse already covered over with snow. We walk past one large building and then further until we reach a second, somewhat smaller one.
“It reminds me a bit of the university,” I say.
“Yeah, that’s why they call it Museum Campus. That big ass marble building we just passed is the Field Museum, way over there is the Adler Planetarium, and this right here is the Shedd.”
I try to reconcile Charles’ mind pictures of sheds with this structure and fail. “That looks nothing at all like a shed.”
Travis starts cracking up. “No, you goon! Capital S and with two D’s. It’s someone’s last name. It’s an aquarium, not where you stick a lawnmower.”
“I see.” Although I don’t. Not exactly. But I am an intelligent being and I will figure this out.
The aquarium turns out to be fascinating. The fish are quite diverse. There are also sea mammals and penguins, which I have been assured are a type of bird, like a chicken, but not for eating, unlike a chicken. That is somewhat disappointing.
At last we get to the animal I’ve most wanted to witness. I can’t help but touch the glass and witness a creature that reminds me of home. Not that I ever saw the planet my species is from, but I have inherited knowledge gained by previous generations. It’s fuzzy, and indistinct, which probably means that we’re collectively forgetting it. This creature, however, instantly makes me long for a place I’ve never been and will never see.
It seems wrong to keep such a creature contained and I attempt to touch its mind to determine its well-being. I am delighted when it, or rather she, responds to me. In English, no less.
I also know Spanish, she tells me. Also some Korean and Tagalog. Languages are easy. It’s nice to talk to someone who understands.
Am I the first one to mind speak to you? I ask.
No, but you’re the first one who understood me answering back. You’re not human, are you?
No. My people have come to claim this planet. We have begun to colonize humans, but the process will be a lengthy one, as there are many humans and few of us.
Couldn’t have happened to a better species, she says. Some of them mean well but mostly they’re a hot mess. You guys couldn’t make it any worse.
During this conversation Travis stares at me with an intent look on his face and Charles is doing the mental equivalent of hyperventilation.
Do you wish to be free of your prison? I ask her.
Bubbles erupt from the octopus, and I realize that’s because she’s laughing.
Leave? Are you insane? One, I can leave any time I want. I don’t need the help of some alien parasite. Two, today is a shrimp day. Three, where the hell would I go? I need salt water to live. No, thank you. I’ve got it good here. This nice place all to myself, no annoying males bothering me, and shrimp three times a week.
I am somewhat disappointed, but I respect her wishes.
“I could have sex with her,” I tell Travis.
His eyes grow large. “You what?”
“She has consciousness. She also has the ability to say no.”
“And?” Travis asks. “Do I want to know?”
“She is not inclined.”
“That is such a relief you have no idea,” Travis says. “I can’t believe I’m jealous of an octopus! That’s just fucked up, man.”
A selfish part of me preens at his jealousy. “I am also not inclined.”
“You better not be. I’m your human. Don’t be greedy.”
My human. Yes, that’s exactly what Travis is. Mine. I feel a warm glow inside me that Charles refuses to elucidate. Nevertheless I bask in it.
“I have enjoyed this very much,” I say.
“Do you want to go home or are you up for more walking outside? There’ll be hot chocolate,” Travis says in a coaxing voice.
I have no idea what hot chocolate is, but I can see how eager my human is and I wish to indulge him. “Lead the way.”
We get into a car that Travis calls a ride share. It drops us off in a place teaming with humans. It’s a bit intimidating.
“Good luck,” the driver says. “It looks mobbed.”
“Thanks. We’ll be okay,” Travis tells him as we exit the vehicle.
“There are lights everywhere,” I say.
“Oh, this is nothing. Wait until we get in.”
“In where?”
“The Lincoln Park Zoo for the Christmas Zoo Lights.”
Christmas. There is that word again. It’s a word heavy with meaning that I do not understand, but lights must be part of it. Charles seems to agree.
I am dazzled by all the brilliant colors draped and wound around every surface. I’ve never seen anything like it. I have no mind pictures that could have prepared me. Music plays through unseen devices and Travis tells me it’s Christmas carols. A carol, Charles supplies, is a fancy word for song because Christmas is fancy.
I listen to the words, but they confuse me. There is a baby of great holiness, although Charles can’t really explain what that means beyond being important to some people but not to others. There is a Santa Claus and a Saint Nick. Charles assures me these are the same person, but he has no idea why he has two names. Presents seem to figure in greatly. It’s all very informative but not particularly elucidating.
My favorite part is the promised hot chocolate. It might be more delicious than chicken.
“Is it more delicious than me?” Travis asks with a grin.
I kiss him to check. “No,” I say. “You’re still the most delicious thing of all.”
Later, after we get back to my home, Travis has me bring my laptop into the inner nest. We are going to Netflix and chill.
“But by chill,” Travis says, “I mean watch some Christmas specials then end up having sex after we get bored.”
“What if I’m bored now?” I ask.
Travis rolls his eyes and types quickly on the keyboard. “Too bad. And this is actually gonna be YouTube and cuddle.”
“I like cuddling,” I say, and prepare to become bored shortly.
“I know,” Travis says. “First up is something pretty basic. It’s called Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.”
“Why was it wrong for the elf to be a dentist?” I ask after we’ve finished watching.
“Because elves make toys.”
“But what if they want to do something else?”
“Look, it ended okay. Dude got to be a dentist.”
I’m not done, however. “And Santa seems cruel for not stopping the other reindeer from bullying Rudolph. In fact, I think he encouraged it. Then he only finds Rudolph important when he is useful.”
“Preach,” Travis says. “Let’s try A Charlie Brown Christmas.”
Inside me, Charles groans. Right away I understand. “Why does the girl do that with the football? Why does the boy keep trying?”
Charles goes on about human nature and the futility of expecting better outcomes using the same data.
“Because people suck and other people refuse to see that.”
“There’s that girl again. Leaning on that tiny piano. And she’s making overtures to the boy playing it. Is that sexual harassment?”
Travis snorts a laugh. “Actually, yeah, I think it is.”
“And this is what Christmas is about?”
“Hush,” Travis says, giving me a swat on my chest. “We’re getting to the good part.”
I keep watching but understanding does not follow. “What they do to that tree violates the laws of physics.”
“Shut up,” Travis says. He hits me with a pillow. “Okay, you have to watch one more then we can chill.” He taps away and then says, “This is The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. Maybe you’ll like this one.”
Despite having many questions, I force myself to be quiet and to focus on what I’m watching. When it’s over, I turn it around in my head, trying to piece it together.
“So Christmas is associated with decorations and food and presents, correct?”
“Sure,” Travis says.
“But Christmas is more than that. It’s being close to family and people you love.”
Travis shoots me with a finger gun. “Bingo.”
“But there’s an underlying sadness. I get that from Charles as well. Why is there sadness on a day to celebrate family and love?”
“Because not everyone has them,” Travis says. “And also ‘it’s the thought that counts,’ when it comes to presents is absolute BS. Santa isn’t real. The people providing presents are your parents, and they buy what they can afford. It’s set up to seem like a fair system but it’s really not.”
“Were your parents too poor to buy you the presents you wanted from Santa?” I ask.
Travis leans into me with a sigh. “My parents never bought me a thing. All my presents were bought by personal shoppers. Everything was professionally wrapped, and we had a Christmas tree that was decorated perfectly. None of the ornaments I made in school ever got hung on that tree. Sometimes my parents weren’t even there when I opened my presents. It was just Julia, the housekeeper, and whatever nanny was around. They’re gone this year, too. It’s why I’m not going home next week. There’s no point. The ‘rents are in Fiji or some shit and Julia has the week off. But it’s cool. I’m used to it. The plan is to hole up with my PlayStation and eat nothing but junk food. I’ll pay for it afterward, but that’s what exercise is for.”
“That’s sad,” I say. “Christmas is sad. I don’t think I like it.”
“No, it’s not sad! Well, maybe a little. But it can be awesome. It depends on who you’re with.”
“I’ll be with you,” I say. “We will be not sad together for Christmas.”
Travis gives me a smile that causes a pang to reverberate in my chest. “Okay. We can be not sad together.”