Page 115 of I Don't Need Your Love

“Hi, Dad,” I greet.

He turns to me and also freezes. “Ryder.”

Mom sits down on the couch near Dad’s chair and both look at me. Kind of feels like I’m an alien invading their home.

Shoving my hands in my pockets, I roll on the backs of my feet. “Sorry to barge in on you like this, but I want to talk to you. I need to talk to you.”

“All right,” Dad says. “Say what you need to say.”

“Michael,” Mom hisses at him.

He shrugs. “You’re the one who’s written him off from our lives.”

My heart feels heavy as I glance from one parent to the other. “What?”

Mom sighs, shutting her eyes. “Why don’t you sit down, Ryder?”

After looking at them once more, I slowly lower myself on the chair facing Dad.

No one says anything and the room is silent, except for the low volume coming from the game Dad’s watching on TV.

I clear my throat. “I came because I want us to…what I mean is…” I shake my head. “You’re my parents, but we don’t have a relationship. We never had. Do you guys…” I take another breath. “Have you guys ever loved me? Do you even want me to be part of your lives?”

Both parents look hurt, which is the most emotional I’ve seen them in all my sixteen years. Dad especially, since he was never one to show emotion, except for anger when he and Mom argued.

“Ryder, we know we haven’t been the best parents,” Mom says. “But you need to understand that our problems have nothing to do with you. We had issues way before you were born, issues we didn’t resolve.” She hesitates. “The truth is, neither of us was ready for you when you came along. Being parents was never in our plan.”

I nod slowly. “I know. I overheard you say I was a mistake.”

Mom shakes her head, scooting over on the couch so she can look at my face. “When you overheard that argument, we just wanted to hurt each other. We didn’t mean what we said.” She pauses to take a breath. “Before you were born, we didn’t want to be parents, but as I held you in my arms, I vowed to be the best mother in the world. I wanted to give you everything. You were my little boy.”

My throat tightens.

“I felt the same,” Dad tells me. “You were my flesh and blood and I also wanted to be a good dad to you.”

“But we failed you,” Mom continues. “We gave you a hard life. I was a terrible mother. Your father and I didn’t give you the love and attention you needed. We weren’t there for you.”

“We had many issues we needed to work through, like we said,” Dad adds. “Arguing all the time among many other things. But we didn’t seek the help we needed.”

“I’ll be honest. When you started going to the Simmons, it bothered me. It angered me. I felt like Mrs. Simmons was a better mother than I was and I’m sorry, but I felt a lot of resentment toward you. But that’s on me, not you. You were just looking for a better family.”

“It took us a long time, but we understand it now,” Dad says. “We understood that we didn’t provide you with everything you needed.”

“Our home lacked love. It lacked warmth. I’m not surprised you sought a better family.”

My gaze drops to the floor. “I didn’t realize it hurt you that I was over at Blake’s all the time. I thought you didn’t care. I thought you didn’t love me.”

“Ryder, we’ve always loved you,” Mom says. “We just did a crappy job of showing it. The more I realized over the years how much I failed you, the more I resented myself, I resented your father, I resented you. But all that is on me, not you. You did nothing wrong. You’re such a sweet boy who didn’t deserve that life.”

My throat tightens even more. “You never came to my football games. All the parents were there except for mine.”

Dad looks really regretful. “That was us putting our needs before yours. We were caught up in our own things and didn’t understand how important it was for us to be there for you.”

Mom’s got tears in her eyes. “I thought you replaced me with Blake’s mom and that you didn’t want to have anything to do with us. I’m sorry. I made everything all about me instead of about you. I cared more about my jealousy and anger than I did about your needs. It’s something I’ll regret for the rest of my life.”

I clear my throat to loosen the rock lodged inside. “What about when I got accepted to Harrington Bay Academy? You didn’t seem to care one bit. You’ve never responded to my texts or answered my calls. I invited you to my dance competitions, but you never showed up.”

Dad gestures to Mom. “That was your mom’s decision. She wanted to cut us from your life.”