Page 47 of I Could Have Missed This

“Please don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Lie to me. I want to know if things are busy up there,” he claims, tapping the side of his head. I know what he means, but I hate it. I hate how I’m a burden to him. How he has to check how I’m doing. It shouldn’t be like that. Everything should be perfect. But it isn’t.

“I don’t… fuck,” I curse through my teeth.

“I know it’s hard but you need to be honest with me about this stuff?—”

“Then why aren’t you honest with me?” I retort.Fuck. Why did I say that?

Teddy takes a step back in disbelief. What is wrong with me? I mean, it was what I was thinking but I didn’t mean tosayit. Teddy almost looks angry. Angry at me.

Why did Dr Satin need to put that thought in my head?

“What?” he asks. No backing out now I suppose.

“You say you don’t know who did this, yet you had your brother shouting at you the other week?” I ask, my voice steady.

“It’s not him. I know that much. Don’t you trust me?” He asks, stepping towards me.

“No, I don’t,” I admit. “He called you a fag Ted. He said not to ‘rat us out’. Who exactly is he?” My voice is rising now, my words laced in red anger that’s struggling to be contained. Dr Satin’s words swirl around in my head in a way I can’t ignore.

“Can we not talk about this right now?”

“But if you want to know about my shit, why can’t I know about yours?”

“Noah, babe. It’s just different, I can’t?—”

“Yeah, it’s definitely different. My shit is just in my head. It’s all in the past and all I’m doing is dealing with the trauma. Butthis with you is happeningright now. It’s something bigger. I know it is. I need you to tell me so that we can work through it together. I don’t want to have to worry about you twenty-four-seven. A relationship shouldn’t be like that,” I explain, my voice shaking.

We haven’t even been officially dating for more than a few days and we’re already fighting. This is all my fault.

I’m ruining everything.

“Noah just quit it, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“He literally said don’t rat us out. What happened this morning with the rats hanging from the ceiling? It’s so obvious it’s him that’s doing this. But the question is why?” I tell him, my mind running through all the details. It makes complete sense in my head. Why doesn’t he just listen to me?

“You’re being paranoid,” Teddy says, waving his hand at me. I freeze. I’ve never seen this side of him before.

He thinks I’m crazy.

“Paranoid?” I scoff. “Really? Cheers for that Teddy.”

“No, I didn’t mean it like that, I?—”

“No you know what, being called paranoid by the one person you felt sane around really makes you rethink things.” Tears blur my vision now.

How dare he say that to me? I thought he was different.

Obviously I was wrong.

“Noah–”

“No, you know what? Fuck you Ted. This is bullshit. You’re bullshit,” I shout. He begins to back off. Tears begin to fall heavier now and my body feels weak.

“Fuck this,” I say through tears. I stand up and grab my bag. I walk past him and I can hear him shouting my name. As much as I want to turn around, I keep on walking.