Page 39

Greyson

Sometimes, death is appealing. The certainty of knowing what happens next would be a relief. By that, I mean nothing—the welcoming feeling of nothingness that permanent sleep offers.

It’s almost tempting to step into the darkness and never back out. Life as it is doesn’t offer much joy in my endless stream of violence and evil. No matter which way I turn, there’s a gun or knife pointed in my direction. My mortality is challenged around every corner; another fight required to keep my life.

But even with the evil that surrounds me, I hold on to my dream of living on the beach. The clear blue water lapping on warm sand. If I can make my wish of ending my years happy in the heaven of Thailand. It will all be worth it.

***

I pull the cheap pack of cigarettes from my rucksack, flip the lid, then slide one pathetic white cylinder between my lips. Before I even light up, I know I will regret not saving one of my favorite cigars for now, but I smoked the last one earlier. I hate cigarettes, but this was all I could find on my way to the bar tonight. So, they will have to do. My craving for nicotine is too much to ignore and one of the few treats in my life as it is.

“That’ll kill you,” a deep voice says as I take a draw. I glance up to see my comrade, Cash, strolling toward me. My face automatically contorts into a scowl at him pointing out the truth. I don’t need to be reminded of the tar coating my lungs, restricting my breath more and more each day.

It’s even more annoying that he looks like he’s out for a Sunday walk rather than meeting us for a final night of drinks before heading home. Nothing about his persona suggests we’ve just completed the most dangerous job of our independent contracting careers, and at one point it had looked as if none of us would make it home alive. He seems positively jovial.

“I’ll die someday anyway,” I grumble back. “Don’t shit on one of my favorite pastimes.”

“Smoking?” he jibes. “Smoking is one of your favorite hobbies? Greyson, you need to get a life. There’s no point looking death in the face every fucking day when you’re a miserable bastard anyway.” He smiles almost sympathetically, and that annoys me even more. “Put that out and let’s get a drink. I know I need one.”

Not waiting for my response, he reaches forward, plucks the cigarette from my lips, throws it on the floor, and stamps it out. His eyes lift back to mine and widen, goading me to say something about it.

“Do that again, and I’ll snap your neck,” I growl.

“Good thing you’re fucking off back to London tomorrow then, and I’ll be safely on US soil.” He moves past me, pushing open the door to my left, and heads into the small bar where we agreed to meet. “You heard from Cami?” he asks with a glance at me over his shoulder as I follow him.

“Not yet, but she’ll be here. That woman needs a drink more than any of us. She’s fucking nuts.”

Cash laughs out loud but nods in agreement. This most recent job involved a new team for all three of us, andwe’d never met until our briefing day. I’d never worked with a woman before on an independent job, and I’ll admit to scoffing when she walked in, but after her blade flew past my ear and lodged itself in the wall behind me, I knew she wasn’t one to mess with. Cami is possibly the most lethal of all three of us and, from the beginning, that was fucking mesmerizing.

We step into the cold December night. It's nothing fancy, but it'snot a backstreet dive. A fire flickers in the corner, and it’s warm enough that I can remove my winter jacket. Cash signals for me to get a table, and he heads for the bar, returning a few minutes later with two cold pints. We sit at a table in the corner, and I pull a pack of cards from my pocket.

“A game for the road?” I ask, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah, but I’m not betting again. You still haven’t given me my fucking shirt back.”

“You lost it fair and square,” I remind him, lifting my glass to my lips and then drinking deeply. “Fifty dollars, and the loser buys the next round.” That familiar look flits over his face, the one that says he knows damn fine he shouldn’t, but he wants to bet anyway.

“Fine,” he says, slamming a fifty on the table. “One game, one bet, then we are done, Greyson.”

“Deal,” I tell him. “It’s good to see you being an independent man before you go back to your boss.” It’s his turn to scowl at me now. “Angelina has your ass whipped.” He shrugs and moves his focus to the playing cards in his hand.

“At least I have someone to whip my ass.”

“Touché.”

His comment is said in jest, but it stings. He’s right. He is leaving this place behind to go home to a beautiful woman who is pregnant with his child. In a few months, they’ll be a family of three. I can see why Cash takes the risks he does at work. He has someone to win for.

Me? I do this because I can, because I dream of eventually escaping. But will it all be worth it if I have no one to escape with? As my life flew past my eyes again a few days ago I wasn’t sure, and today, I’m still not. It feels as if what I do in my life is all for nothing, and I’ll probably end up a corpse that no fucker cares about.

“You playing, Greyson?” Cash prompts, waving his cards in my direction.

“Nah, mate. Keep my fifty for the little one. That should keep you in wipes for a few days at least.” I slide my note in his direction, and he looks at me warily before taking it.

“Thanks,” he says. “You’ll find her too. Your girl is out there.”

“Honestly, I’m not so sure.”

Just then, the bar door swings open, and the last member of our team walks in. Cami has arrived.

“Started a little early, eh?” she says.

“No, actually, you're late. And since we had ordered a round for you and it was getting warm, we did you the favor of drinking it for you,” Cash shoots back.

“That's right. You're going to need to catch up,” I add

“If you expect me to catch up, you may want to cancel your flights tomorrow,” she replies.

“Why is that?” Cash asks with a knowing grin.

Cami sits down, more drinks arrive, and Cash launches into how excited he is to be going home to Angelina. As happy as I am for him, I can’t help but be jealous, though he has his future father-in-law to contend with. They haven’t told the old man about the baby yet.

It feels good spending time with both of them in a relaxed atmosphere, where we aren’t all constantly looking over our shoulders. My focus moves to Cami when she laughs at something I said.

“Don't start,” she warns.

“Start what?” I asknonchalantly. “At this point, wouldn't I be finishing it? Don't lie and say you haven't been curious.”

“Curious about how small your dick is, maybe,” she snaps back, taking both Cash and me by surprise. The beer from his mouth hits the table.

“I am hurt that you would say something so mean to me.”

“And I’m still not showing you my tits, Greyson,” she says. “Your hurt feelings will have to tend to themselves.”

“Where are you headed off to, Greyson?” Cash asks, changing the subject. I appreciate it. I hate being knocked back, especially by a woman I know I could fuck so good.

“I got some family stuff to tend to,” I say evasively. Finding out I had family members I was unaware of is something I need to deal with, but I’m not sure how. Being alone for so long, my feelings on the matter are complicated. Part of me wants to forget they exist, while another part yearns to belong somewhere.

“Is everything okay?” Cami continues, prodding for more information like she always fucking does.

“I decided I'm going to go over to London tosee what that side of my family is all about.”

"Are you worried about it?" Cash asks, his eyebrows furrowed with concern.

“I’m not really the type of guy who gets concerned," I reply, which is a damn lie. "But I do have a plan in mind for every contingency possible. The first one being their refusal to see me. And the second one being denial of my existence.”

“If you need any assistance making them see reason, make sure you give me a call," Cami says."I got nothing going on."

“I appreciate that, but I think I got it."

After the uncomfortable discussion of my impending family situation, we return to talking about the past weeks, both the successes and failures. Before we know it, it is time to leave. We all make our way outside and stand in a small circle to say our final goodbyes

“I suppose we all better fuck off now,” Cami says, her tone dry.

I take a breath and extend a hand to Cash who takes it. He shakes my hand before pulling me into a hug. I then turn to Cami and wrap my arms around her before she can stop me.

I lift her up and drop my nose to her ear, breathing deeply. Sure, we couldn’t have had anything serious, but we would have been explosive together. I know it.

“Well, hell. Your hair even smells like you washed it today,” I whisper, unable to control my tendency to flirt.

A sharp pain in my stomach tells me she’s pissed off as her fingers twist the skin at my abs.

"It's really no wonder you never get laid, Greyson,” she says with an eyeroll. I grin back, enjoying the exchange, then watch as Cash says his goodbyes to Cami.

After a few moments, Cami announces her departure and walks off without a backward glance.

“Well, this is it,” Cash says, slapping my shoulder.

“It sure is. Look after that woman of yours,” I tell him, and he smiles kindly.

“And you find yourself some happiness,” he replies before shaking my hand again and leaving.

I am left standing on the sidewalk, alone. Without allowing another dark thought to surface, I throw my rucksack over my shoulder and hail a cab, asking to be dropped at the airport. My flight back to London may not be until morning, but the thought of another night alone in a hotel room is depressing. I’ll be much happier asleep on a plastic airport seat, knowing I am one less journey from home.