Page 8 of How to Lose a Lord in Ten Days

Very angular, very pale, with a faint silver dress and white-blonde hair edging towards grey, even Lady Hesse’s smile was pallid yet sharp as she greeted Lydia and Pip.

But it was her daughter in whom Lydia was more interested.

Fair of hair, skin and eyes, and wearing a dress of shimmering ivory satin, Miss Hesse had more substance to her than her near-translucent mother and was such a vision that even Lydia was hard-pressed to keep her eyes away.

Why on earth had Ashford never courted her ?

‘And who is this?’ Lydia asked, gesturing to the creature in Miss Hesse’s arms, deducing that it must be a dog, however much it resembled a coiffured rodent.

‘Brutus,’ Miss Hesse introduced, dimpling. ‘He belongs to Lady Morton. Would you like to hold him?’

‘I’m sure Miss Hanworth does not wish to risk damaging her gown,’ Lady Hesse said. ‘It is so … original, Miss Hanworth: one so rarely sees pink and green and red all together.’

Lady Hiss might be the more appropriate appellation. Even knowing she had dressed in such a way on purpose, Lydia’s face warmed.

‘La, I know,’ she said, as proudly as she was able. Then, though she had to force the words out of her mouth, added: ‘You should not believe how expensive it was.’

Openly reference money – tick.

Lady Hesse’s cheeks puckered. Lydia could not help but cut her eyes to Ashford, but his attention was still caught by Pip, now on all fours and searching under the sofa.

‘You look so very cheerful,’ Miss Hesse said sweetly to Lydia. ‘I wish I had a gown so bright.’

‘Oh, your dress becomes you beautifully, Cynthia, there is no need to feel outdone,’ Lady Hesse said. ‘As I’m sure everyone can attest.’

‘Yes of course, stupendous!’ Mr Brandon said at once, but Lady Hesse did not appear to hear him, regarding Ashford expectantly instead.

‘It’s there ,’ Ashford muttered, pointing to where the quizzing glass lay against the sofa leg. Pip seized it and sprang back upwards as violently as a jack in the box. The whole party startled, save for Ashford, who had conjured a calm smile to his face he swivelled back to their conversation.

‘Well, my lord?’ Lady Hesse pressed him. ‘Do you think Cynthia’s gown becoming?’

‘Why yes of course,’ Ashford said, obediently.

‘Mama thought you would,’ Miss Hesse confided.

Lady Hesse gave a little choking sound, while a great peal of laughter came from the corner of the room.

Lydia turned to see a lady rising from one of the low sofas.

From the brilliant copper of her hair, this could only be Lady Morton, a dashing widow of five and forty years said to be a most prodigious flirt.

‘Exposed, Letitia, exposed!’ she crowed.

‘I don’t know of what you speak,’ Lady Hesse sniffed.

‘I could make my meaning clearer,’ Lady Morton said, ‘but I don’t think you would enjoy that.’

Lydia looked from one to the other. Was Lady Morton suggesting that Lady Hesse wished for a match between Ashford and her daughter? Lydia would be happy to assist her in that endeavour, if it were true.

‘Ladies,’ Lady Phoebe chided.

‘You must forgive us,’ Lady Morton said to Lydia, reaching out to clasp her hands. ‘We have all known each other such a long time, we can be dreadfully rude.’

In appearance, she could not be more different to Lady Hesse, all curls and curves she was, and yet her words worked to make Lydia feel just as excluded.

There was no breaking into ranks such as these, they seemed to be telling her, they had shared nurseries and schoolrooms long before they had parties and ballrooms. It was a good thing, then, that Lydia wanted no part of it.

She waited, watching and listening for her next opportunity, but it was proving difficult.

Conversation was in full flow as Lady Hesse relayed a few choice morsels of gossip.

‘… and then, it was revealed – the rubies had been false, all along!’ Lady Hesse concluded, delight on her face to speak of such misfortune. ‘Dupes!’

‘Oh, you ought to have suspected,’ Lady Phoebe said. ‘If they were of such a size, her ears ought to have been on the floor from the weight.’

‘That is why you are needed in London, my lady,’ Lady Morton said, with a hand to Lady Phoebe’s arm. ‘Enough of this marital bliss – return to the trenches with us!’

Everyone laughed, as Lady Phoebe’s cheeks pinked.

‘La,’ Lydia said quickly, before conversation could move on, ‘you certainly have an eye for jewels, Lady Henley.’

She flicked her eyes pointedly to Lady Phoebe’s diamonds.

As conversational gambits went, Lydia was rather pleased with this.

To concertina a vulgarity, an impertinent question, and a mistitling all into one sentence – why, it was rather impressive.

Lady Phoebe certainly seemed impacted, putting an uncertain hand up to her necklace, opening her mouth, shutting it, and then looking appealingly towards Ashford for help.

‘Your necklace was a gift from Sir Waldo, I believe?’ Ashford said, as if Lydia had not said anything in the least unusual.

‘Diamonds for my diamond!’ Sir Waldo concurred, laying a large paw upon Lady Phoebe’s shoulder. ‘It belonged to a Sultan, you know, and is quite the largest of its kind in Europe.’

As if to verify this, Pip raised his quizzing glass and leant forward. The sudden sight of his eye, grotesquely magnified to ten times its usual size, had Lady Phoebe flinching backwards.

‘I have never seen diamonds so large,’ Lydia persevered, keeping one eye upon Ashford.

‘Yes, well it’s a little impractical, really,’ she said.

‘I won it myself at Seringapatam,’ Sir Waldo said, chest puffing out proudly.

‘Won?’ Pip said. ‘Or stole?’

There were sharp intakes of breath across the room.

‘I beg your pardon?’ Sir Waldo said, the smile slipping from his face.

‘You’ll have to forgive my brother!’ Lydia said, voice almost a yelp.

There was impertinence, and then there was a criminal accusation.

Pip could not very well aid her endeavours if he had been thrown from the house on the very first night.

‘He acts as a consult to Bow Street and forgets that we do not all share the Runner sense of humour.’

Since most of Pip’s ‘work’ occurred with Mr Simmons at various drinking locales – Pip returning in the early hours of the morning starry-eyed – consult was a rather grand interpretation, but she needed to say something to arrest Sir Waldo’s budding outrage.

‘A jest,’ Ashford confirmed quietly, and Lydia shot him a grateful smile before she could stop herself.

Recollecting herself halfway through, she abruptly broadened it to a smile with teeth – Aunt Agatha’s second most crucial rule – and had the satisfaction of seeing Ashford’s eyes widen under her toothy beam. That was something, at least.

‘Thieves do walk among us,’ Pip explained, with the voice of One Who Has Faced the Darkness of the World. ‘As I know all too well.’

Sir Waldo began to chuckle. His brother followed his lead immediately, and Mr Brandon, too, was forcing a laugh even if confusion was still writ large upon his face.

‘I had no notion you were such an original, sir!’ Sir Waldo said, with a mighty slap to Pip’s back.

‘Nor did I,’ Lady Phoebe said. ‘Did you , Ashford?’

Perhaps it was wishful thinking, but Lydia felt there was a glare under Lady Phoebe’s bright, bright smile, as she turned to her cousin.

‘No,’ Ashford said, his benign smile gone. ‘No, I did not.’

‘How interesting,’ Dacre said, with avuncular kindliness. ‘Have you been – ah – involved in anything we might have heard of?’

‘Perhaps you read about Rundell and Bridge the jewellers’ affair?’ Pip’s air of theatricality heightened even further. ‘It was my first case.’

The room regarded him, curiosity chasing away their outrage.

‘You must be very brave,’ Lady Morton said, moving to touch Pip upon the arm.

‘Famous,’ Mr Brandon declared.

Lydia breathed out a sigh, her heartbeat beginning to calm to its normal tempo.

‘How … sordid,’ Lady Hesse observed, mouth puckering as though tasting a sour plum, and Lady Phoebe shot Ashford a quick glare.

‘I wonder that they could spare you for the week,’ Lord Hesse said, in a tone caught somewhere between envy and sulkiness, ‘given you are so important.’

‘It was a difficult decision,’ Pip said. ‘But Mr Simmons – my … mentor – agreed I might use the house party as an opportunity to practise my investigating skills. If her ladyship does not mind?’

He looked enquiringly toward Lady Phoebe.

‘You mean to investigate us?’ Lady Phoebe said, looking as though she did not know whether to find this amusing or alarming.

‘You will find us dull subjects, I am sure!’ Sir Waldo said jovially.

‘I do not think so,’ Pip said. ‘Everyone has secrets, after all.’

A strange shiver passed around the room. For a moment, not one person appeared to want to make eye contact with anyone else in the room.

‘Ah, surely you are not suggesting …?’ Ashford began.

‘Everyone,’ Pip repeated darkly. ‘Especially those with moustaches.’

The moment broke.

‘Oh, you rotter!’ Sir Waldo said, slapping Pip upon the back again.

Laughter reigned again – all save Lady Phoebe, who was glaring at Ashford – and Ashford himself, who was gazing from Lydia to Pip and back again, blinking rather dazedly, as if trying to wake himself from a dream.

At last, at last ! Lydia was awash with sudden relief.

Thank goodness for Pip. His methods might have brought them close to disaster, but they were undeniably effective, and Lydia opened her mouth to continue their momentum but—

‘I think it must be almost time for dinner,’ Lady Phoebe proclaimed, before she could speak.

As if in obeyance to her words, the grandfather clock behind her struck a single bell tone, and in the same moment the butler appeared in the doorway, giving her a significant nod.

Lady Phoebe took in a deep breath, her shoulders relaxing down her spine, and held out her arms as if to conduct an orchestra.

‘Please, won’t you follow me?’ she said, and, with a few deft movements, had them each paired for the walk to dinner, and the evening back under her control.

Everything in Lady Phoebe’s life seemed to run perfectly to plan: the adoring husband, the wondrous home, the luxurious life. This house party would doubtless be the same: each moment designed according to her vision and executed to perfection.

It was almost a shame Lydia was going to have to ruin it.