Page 18

Chapter 18

The one where Jeff takes charge (and it’s kinda hot).

"Say I’m a ten," I demand, grinning.

"Dude, you’re a ten, Jeffrey, you’ve always been a ten! STOP! " he yells, laughing so hard he can barely breathe.

I stop, but before he can catch his breath, I kiss him, pressing my body against his. His laughter dies in my mouth as I slide my hands under his shirt, feeling his skin, his warmth. Desperation kicks in as my tongue slips into his mouth, and I pull back just long enough to tug his stupid sweatpants off. They come off so fast, it’s almost funny.

Jamie’s lying beneath me now in just his tight little underwear, his body a masterpiece of lean muscle and soft skin, glistening faintly with sweat. He looks up at me with one of those unreadable expressions that always throws me, like he’s daring me to figure him out. His chest rises and falls, his breath still fast and shallow, but he doesn’t say a word.

I can’t help the grin that spreads across my face as I work to pin both of his hands above his head with one hand while I straddle him.

"Sorry," I say, my voice low and teasing, a smirk tugging at my lips. "I took your pants off by accident."

The slow, wicked smile that creeps across Jamie’s face is enough to make my pulse race all over again. God, he’s gorgeous.

I smile back, completely captivated by the look in his eyes. He doesn’t say anything—he just keeps looking at me, and for once, I don’t feel the need to fill the silence. It’s enough just to be here, with him, like this.

I lick my lips before kissing Jamie, still holding his wrists pinned above his head. The way he presses up against me, trying to free his hands, sends a thrill through me. I don’t let go. Instead, I break the kiss and trail my lips to the soft skin of his neck, pressing gentle kisses down to his collarbone. Jamie arches into me, his body tense with restrained desperation. I slide lower, trailing my lips down his shoulder. My tongue flicks against his skin, tracing the edge of his armpit before moving to his nipple. I pause there, teasing gently, earning a sharp inhale as his body shudders beneath me.

I grin against his skin. I can feel how hard he is under me, and it’s enough to make my own control falter.

Finally, I let go of his hands, dragging mine across his chest, tracing over both nipples, and down to his navel. My fingers explore the dips and curves of his stomach, taking my time.

Jamie never had a six-pack or anything, but he’s got this definition, especially in the muscles on the sides of his stomach—the kind you only get from being naturally strong. It’s the kind of thing that’s always driven me crazy about him. His waist is narrower than mine, his frame leaner, but God, he looks good. He’s always looked so good.

I let my finger trail from his side up to his ribcage, smiling when he lets out a soft laugh and his body twitches. Jamie grabs my hand, his voice breathless but teasing. "Jeff, stop... You’re making me all ticklish."

I laugh, pulling my hand back, and suddenly scoot down the bed. In one swift motion, I yank his underwear off, about as fast as I’d taken off his pants earlier.

Jamie doesn’t even have time to react before I grab his legs and pull him toward me, hard enough that his surprised gasp fills the room. I don’t waste a second, leaning down and kissing up the inside of his thigh. My tongue teases the sensitive spots I know drive him wild, searching for those places that make him whimper—the sounds I love so much.

I find a few.

Jamie’s unusually quiet, his body responding, but without the usual edge of control he likes to hold over me. By now, he’d normally have flipped me over, taken charge, or at least barked out some cheeky order with that smirk of his. But tonight? He doesn’t say much of anything.

I keep teasing him, but the pressure in my own pants becomes unbearable. I have to unzip them, my movements hurried and clumsy.

Jamie’s hands run through my hair, and when I finally take his throbbing cock into my mouth, the long, quiet whimper he lets out sends shivers through me. His fingers tighten in my hair, holding me there as I move slowly, deliberately, savoring the heat of him.

When I pull away, I glance up at him, watching the way his chest rises and falls, his breath still shaky. I know exactly what I want. The heat between us hasn’t faded—it’s only grown, and I’m more than ready to go again.

Reaching for the lube and a condom from the nightstand, I strip off my shirt in one swift motion. Crawling back up his body, I pause, meeting his eyes. There’s something in the way he looks at me: expectant, unguarded, and completely intoxicating. It fuels me, makes me forget everything else but him.

"You’re so fucking hot," I say, my voice low, a smirk tugging at my lips. "I’m the luckiest man alive."

Jamie’s looking up at me like I’ve just told him some unbelievable secret. There’s something in his expression that stops me for a second, something vulnerable, almost shocked.

I lean down and kiss him, soft but deep, as my fingers slide against his opening, slick with lube. When I push one in slowly, Jamie breaks the kiss, tilting his head back to breathe, his neck arching beautifully.

I press my lips to his ear, my voice a whisper, thick with emotion I can’t hold back. "Jamie... God, I’d do anything for you. I’m a fucking lovesick idiot for you. I’d do anything."

The words fall out of me, unfiltered and raw. And in the way Jamie’s body responds, the way he grips me, I know he feels it too.

Jamie grabs my head with both hands before I can whisper anything else and kisses me so passionately I almost forget I’ve got a finger inside him.

Somehow, I manage to fumble my pants and underwear down with one hand, just enough to free myself. Sliding my finger deeper, adding a second, I take my time until he’s ready. Then, finally, I grab the condom and put it on, slowly sinking into his heat, the sensation making my breath catch.

Jamie pulls away from my lips, his gaze dropping to watch me. His hands slide up to my shoulders, and then I feel it—his nails dragging across my skin, scraping just enough to leave a lingering sting.

Whoa. Fuck. That’s hot.

No one’s ever scratched up my back before, and I’m already wondering how many marks he’s leaving behind.

I accidentally thrust all the way in at once, pulling a loud, unrestrained moan from him. His body arches against mine, his muscles tense and trembling, and I quickly grab his arms, pinning them above his head.

Usually, I take my time unless Jamie specifically asks me not to, which, to be fair, he almost always does. He’s never shy about spitting out enough directions to make it easy for me to shut my brain off and just follow his lead.

But desperation takes over the second I’m fully inside him. I move, each thrust needy and purposeful. I’ve never been the dominant one with him, but something about seeing Jamie beneath me, completely undone, makes me lose control... His flushed face, his chest rising and falling, the way his eyes stay locked on mine, heavy-lidded and muttering curses like he can’t believe what I’m doing to him—it’s all overwhelming.

I bend down, my lips latching onto his neck, sucking softly as I hear the first whimpers escape him. The sound sends a rush through me, and I can feel his body trembling beneath mine. We haven’t been at it long, but I already know what’s coming.

I press harder, angling just right to hit the spot I know drives him wild. His breath quickens, his chest rising and falling in uneven waves, and then my name spills from his lips over and over like a prayer, desperate and raw.

I had intended for this to last longer. Really. But when Jamie moans loudly and finishes without even touching himself, his hands still pinned under mine, I nearly lose it.

My orgasm tears through me, overwhelming and all-consuming, leaving me breathless and shaking. I press my forehead to his neck, my body trembling. At the last moment, I pull out, ripping off the condom, unable to resist the urge to finish on his stomach—a strange, primal need to mark him as mine, just this once.

The satisfaction hits me harder than I expected, grounding me as I slowly come back to myself.

"Holy shit, Jeff..." Jamie breathes, his voice still shaky, his chest heaving as he tries to catch his breath.

I open my eyes, meeting his dazed gaze as I struggle for air. "...What?"

"What the fuck… was that?!" he asks, his tone a mix of disbelief and amazement.

I laugh, realizing I’m still holding his hands pinned above his head, and let go.

Jamie smiles up at me, swiping some sweaty hair off his forehead. "If you’d do anything for me, you can do that again. Whenever you want. Please."

I laugh again, feeling a little embarrassed by how bold I’d been. I kiss him softly, lying down beside him and pulling him close.

I kiss the top of his head, breathing in the familiar scent of his hair as I run my fingers through his blonde strands. "I don’t want to leave tomorrow," I admit, the knot in my stomach tightening.

"I know. I don’t want you to leave either," Jamie says quietly, the sadness in his voice cutting through me.

We lie there in silence for a moment before I glance at the journal page on the other side of the bed. "I think we got cum all over your stupid diary page."

"What?!" Jamie rolls over, reaching blindly until his hand lands on the crinkled paper.

"Dude, gross. It’s everywhere."

I laugh as he unfolds it, rubbing it gently. "It’s fine. It just smeared the part about Alice’s boobs."

Jamie laughs. "You know... Alice wasn’t even into guys."

"No way."

"Yeah, she was my secret queer buddy… I went through a lot with her help. She really should’ve worn bras more often, though. I don’t think she realized what she was doing to all the guys in class."

I smile, holding him in silence for a while, before something clicks. "Didn’t you date Alice in high school?"

Jamie laughs again. "Jeff, I lied… I lied about all of those girls. Maybe I kissed a few of them, you know, to keep things on the DL. But that was it. Alice was just my friend."

"Wait, you didn’t lose your virginity to Samantha? Junior year?"

"No."

"Wow... What a liar," I tease, feeling Jamie shift uncomfortably in my arms. I squeeze him tighter.

"When did you first have sex?" I ask.

"After we graduated high school. With a guy. After you left."

I pause. "Mmm, okay." I don’t want to know more about that. Whoever it was, the guy was fucking lucky.

I tug gently on Jamie’s hair, pulling him into a kiss.

"Don’t you want to know who it was?" Jamie asks between kisses.

No. I hesitate, slightly horrified. "Who?"

"It was with Brandon."

I freeze, my hand still cradling Jamie’s face. My heart races. "...What?"

"My first time was with Brandon."

I freeze, my head snapping toward him. "...Brandon?"

Jamie nods, a small smile playing on his lips.

"Brandon was straight," I say, the words coming out more like a question than a statement.

Jamie laughs softly, shaking his head. "No, he wasn’t. You just thought he was. Everyone did. But he wasn’t."

Brandon flashes through my memory—tall, broad shoulders, always with that confident swagger that got him attention wherever he went. His hair was longish, dark blonde, sometimes falling into his piercing blue eyes during practice. He was part of the football team, and yeah, I guess I could admit he was good-looking. Girls definitely thought so. Hell, he was the kind of guy who could make heads turn just by walking into a room.

But I’d never thought he was...

"When?" I ask, my voice sharper than I intend.

"After we graduated," Jamie says with a shrug, still smiling faintly. "You’d already left. He’d been flirting with me for a while—longer than I realized, actually. And one night we were hanging out and... I don’t know. It just happened."

I’m floored, trying to process this. Brandon. Brandon. He was the guy all the girls wanted. He was my teammate. My friend. And now Jamie’s telling me...

"It didn’t mean anything," Jamie says quickly, his tone softening as he sees the look on my face. "It wasn’t good, Jeff. What first times are, anyway? It was just... a thing that happened."

I’m quiet, but my thoughts are anything but. Brandon? The guy I joked with in the locker room, the guy who gave me shit for not running on the field as fast as he could, the guy who always seemed so self-assured... I can’t wrap my head around it.

"Jeff," Jamie says gently, "are you mad? This was such a long time ago."

Yeah, I’m mad.

Not at Jamie—he’s right, it was forever ago—but at the idea of Brandon being the one who got to be with him first. And maybe even a little at myself for leaving, for not being there instead of him.

"I can’t believe you kept this from me," I say finally, my voice quiet.

Jamie’s smile fades, replaced by something sad.

"Sometimes I feel like... like I didn't really know you at all back then," I admit.

"You did," Jamie says, his voice firm but soft. "I just couldn’t let you know everything. I was scared, Jeff. Scared you didn’t like me like that, scared you were just messing around…"

I run my fingers through his hair, studying his face, and slowly the sadness fades from his eyes.

"I know you don’t break promises," I say softly.

"Promises?" Jamie asks.

"To talk to me now... To really talk to me."

Jamie smiles, the warmth in his expression melting some of my frustration.

"I will," he says, his voice steady. "I’ve already been doing it, you know."

"...I know," I reply, pulling him closer.

I kiss him deeply, holding him close, and we stay like that until sleep takes us both.

The morning is a complete mess.

The sheets feel like cardboard, clinging to my legs as I untangle myself and sit up. Jamie’s alarms blare in the background, but he’s slept through all of them. The room’s already a whirlwind of chaos—him scrambling to get ready, me trying to throw my stuff into my backpack without even checking if the clothes are mine or his. I just need everything packed so I don’t miss my flight.

Jamie’s shouting about how he’s going to be late—again—and it’s the only part I find funny. He doesn’t, though, and keeps chucking random clothes at me every time I laugh.

Our goodbye ends up being way quicker than I imagined. While I’m on the phone calling a cab, Jamie practically leaps into my arms, hugging me so tightly I can barely breathe.

“I’m going to miss you so much... I really hate this,” he mumbles into my shoulder, his voice muffled but full of emotion

I swallow the lump in my throat. “I’m going to miss you too. But I’ll call you every single day, Jamie."

He says something, but it’s buried in my shoulder, so I pull back slightly. “What? What did you say?”

“I said, ‘I don’t want you to be my Nichole...’” His voice is still soft, but clear enough now.

I laugh, maybe a bit too loud, and hug him tighter. I accidentally call him “baby,” which I’ve never done before. Normally, he’d tease me about it, but this time he doesn’t. Instead, Jamie starts crying into my shoulder, and the sound of it shatters what little composure I’ve got left.

“Why are you crying?!” I ask, my voice cracking as I pull him away gently to look at him. His face is streaked with tears, and seeing him like this makes my heart ache.

“Dude, stop,” I say, but it comes out softer than I intended.

Jamie wipes his face with the sleeve of his fancy white dress shirt, sniffling as he takes a deep breath. His hair is a mess—he skipped brushing it after his shower—and somehow, it makes him look even more endearing.

“Stop it,” I say again, smiling a little despite myself. “I’ll text you when I land, and you can call me on your lunch break, okay?"

He nods, trying to pull himself together.

“I love you, Jamie.”

His hand goes back to his face, and the tears start all over again. I feel my own eyes sting as I blink back tears that are definitely not staying down.

“Stop."

But I can’t stop either. The tears spill over, unstoppable now, and I pull him into another hug, clutching him like letting go might break me. My voice cracks as I sniffle, my throat tight, and my vision blurs completely.

“I just wish I could see you every day…” Jamie’s voice shakes, raw and vulnerable, muffled against my shoulder. “I just… I love you so much, Jeff.

His words hit me hard, and I hold him tighter, as if that could somehow fix the ache in both of us. “I love you too, Jamie.”

I pull back just enough to look at him, his tear-streaked face making my chest ache even more. I lean in, kissing him one last time, slow and deep, pouring everything I can’t put into words into the way my lips move against his.

When I finally pull away, I rest my forehead against his, our breaths mingling in the quiet, charged space between us.

“I promise we’ll see each other soon,” I whisper, my voice trembling but resolute. “This isn’t forever."

Jamie nods against me, his eyes glistening. “Okay,” he whispers, his voice shaky but steady enough to make my chest feel a little lighter.

“Jamie, I promise.”

His lips curve into a small, hesitant smile. “I believe you.”

He takes a deep breath, finally catching himself, and I wipe at my own face.

“Go to work,” I tell him, giving his butt a playful smack as I grab my backpack.

Jamie gasps dramatically, pretending to be offended, but I can hear him laughing as he scrambles to lock the door behind me.

“HEY!” he shouts, but I’m already halfway to the front gate.

Before I can leave, Jamie catches up, running over to kiss me one last time. Then he jumps into his car and drives off, waving goodbye out the window.

I stand there on the curb, watching until his car disappears down the street. Even though it wasn’t quite the dramatic goodbye I’d pictured, my heart feels like it’s breaking all the same.