Page 1

Chapter 1

The one where Jeff totally denies everything.

I speed down the freeway, gripping the wheel tighter than usual. The sun blares overhead, and the same dull scenery stretches on for hours—just endless stretches of dry land and the occasional cactus poking up like a bad joke. I can’t stand this drive through the desert; it’s so boring and feels like it’s dragging on forever. Each mile is a reminder of how isolated I am out here, and I can feel my anxiousness growing as I scan through thoughts over what’s waiting for me at the end of this long, dusty road.

I’m nervous as hell. My heart races, and my palms feel clammy against the steering wheel. Every mile I cover brings back memories I try to bury—flashes of laughter and late-night talks that now feel like a lifetime ago.

I haven’t seen him in years, but the thought of running into him sends a jolt of adrenaline through me.

What would I even say? Does he remember those moments like I do, or have they faded into his past, just like I have? As the familiar landmarks zip by, I can’t shake the feeling that fate is gearing up for a reunion I’m not sure I’m ready for.

"So anyway , it ends up being nothing," Lucy says, leaning back in the passenger seat, a hint of relief in her voice. "I blew the whole thing out of proportion. Fuck! Can you believe I said that, though? To her face! " She bursts into laughter, but I just keep my eyes on the road, feeling a million miles away.

She glances over at me, still smiling, her eyes searching my face for a reaction. "Hey, Jeff... What's up with you?"

I shake my head, trying to snap out of my daze. My focus is glued to the highway, but my mind is wandering through the past. "What?"

It comes out more like a statement than a question, and I can see the amusement in her eyes.

"Jeff, what? " she chuckles, affectionately grabbing my arm and pulling it close to her chest.

Don’t get the wrong idea—Lucy isn’t into guys. At all.

In fact Lucy is originally Emily’s best friend, one of my ex-girlfriends from freshman year. Their thing was kind of a weird rebound situation that unfolded right after Emily cheated on me. Emily and Lucy dated for a few months, and I swear I almost plotted Lucy’s demise back then, but something shifted when we started hanging out more after Emily and Lucy split. That’s when I realized Lucy is actually pretty awesome. We click in a way I never expected.

It turns out she’s also my best wingman. Women seem to warm up to me more when Lucy’s around—something about having a girl’s approval makes a difference, I guess.

I consider her my best friend now, which is why we’re both crammed into my car, driving six hours back into the shithole that is Nevada to spend Thanksgiving with my parents for the first time since I moved away.

I grew up in a small town east of Reno. I moved to California right after I graduated high school, about four years ago. I graduated college this year, and now I’m about to start my first real job.

I haven’t been back to Nevada in four years, and the thought of it makes my stomach churn.

My parents really guilt-tripped me into making this drive.

Lucy is here for moral support. Her family kind of disowned her, and I can’t stand the thought of her being alone on Thanksgiving. My current girlfriend, Tiffany, isn’t mad about it, surprisingly. In fact, she’s totally supportive of Lucy. It makes me appreciate her even more.

As the endless desert rolls by, I glance over at Lucy, who’s fiddling with the radio, and I can’t help but feel grateful she’s here with me. She keeps things light, even as the weight of the drive settles in.

"Yo, you're really quiet today," Lucy prods again, glancing at me with that familiar look she gets when she senses something’s off.

Shit. I know I have to say something, but the words get stuck in my throat. Finally, I take a deep breath and blurt out, "There's something I have to tell you because you're definitely gonna notice."

Her hazel eyes widen, practically lighting up like Christmas lights, and I can’t help but feel a mix of relief and dread. "What?" she asks, her excitement irking me. I can see her eagerness to dive into whatever chaos I’m about to unleash, and it makes my heart race with nervousness.

"Okay, so..." I glance over at her quickly, my grip tightening around the steering wheel. "Shit, dude... How the hell do I put this?" I thump my palm against the wheel in frustration.

Lucy looks over at me, her mouth agape in shock, but I catch the corners of her lips trying to curl up. It’s a battle between curiosity and restraint, and I can’t help but feel a little guilty for keeping her in suspense. She’s still waiting, her eyes scanning me, searching for answers.

"Um—" I sigh, trying to regain my composure. "You’re gonna see, but this is kind of a shitty town..."

"Okay..." She rolls her hand, urging me to go on, but I can tell she’s just as anxious to hear what I have to say.

"It’s a small town. My point is, there aren’t a lot of people—"

"What's the problem, Jeff? Is this about me being a lesbian in Hicksville?" she interrupts, cutting straight to the chase.

"No, no, no... Will you just listen? I'm trying to tell you something," I rush to say, my eyes glued to the road ahead. I wave my hand dismissively in her direction, but she smacks it away, still grinning.

"Just tell me!" she urges, and I can’t help but chuckle despite the tension.

I take a deep breath, glancing at her again, trying to find the right words as the landscape blurs by. This is going to be a ride I won’t forget.

"I had this weird thing. With this guy. In high school. That's all."

I can feel my face turning red, heat flushing my cheeks, and I swear my eyes are starting to water. This is so embarrassing.

"No way..." Lucy’s eyes widen again, her excitement unmistakable. "Are you serious?"

I nod, trying to keep it together. "We might see him, probably , maybe... I just wanted to give you a heads-up, 'cause it's gonna be weird and awkward as hell. And I know you're gonna notice... That’s the only reason I’m even telling you."

I can practically feel the tension in the air as I brace myself for her reaction.

"Well..." Lucy leans in way too close, her curiosity practically radiating off her. " Well ," she repeats, hazel eyes sparkling as she tucks a piece of her long hair behind an ear, "what's a weird thing, Jeff?"

Shit, that’s all it takes for me to go red again. I shoot her a glare out of the corner of my eye, trying to maintain some semblance of dignity.

"It was just a weird thing. That's all."

"Like... you dated? Or what?" she presses, clearly not satisfied with my vague answer.

"No, nothing like that. We just..." I grit my teeth, scratching at my head, searching for the right words. "It's hard to explain."

"Explain to me then, Jeff!" Lucy suddenly sits up straight, a lightbulb going off in her head. "Oh! Here."

Before I can react, she snatches my phone from the holster mounted to the dash, turning the screen on with a glint of mischief in her eyes.

"Is it something weird, like if I asked Tiffany about it, she'd be super pissed?"

My heart stops in my chest.

"Dude, no!" I panic, swerving slightly as I reach to grab my phone back, the car lurching a bit under my clumsy maneuver.

Lucy stares at me, her expression a mix of shock and amusement, and I can’t shake the feeling that I’m in way deeper than I wanted to be.

"Damn. Okay. That kind of weird." Lucy studies me, her curiosity simmering just below the surface as I put my phone back on the dash and pull up Google Maps again. I can feel her eyes on me, weighing me, searching for more details.

I focus on the screen, pretending the route needs my full attention, but her unsatisfied gaze is hard to ignore. It’s like she’s waiting for me to crack and spill everything, and the pressure is mounting. I can tell this isn’t over.

"...Did you fuck a guy, Jeffrey?" she suddenly asks, a smirk pulling at her lips.

"No. I didn’t," I huff, glaring back at her, but I can see she doesn’t believe me.

I bite my bottom lip for a moment, feeling the heat of the moment wash over me. Finally, I relent, "We would just... make out."

Lucy's eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "Okay..."

I don’t say anything else, the silence stretching between us like a taut rubber band.

"Was that all?" she asks loudly, her palms thrown up in disbelief.

"I guess."

"...Can I ask about it?" She’s being surprisingly nice now, settling back into the passenger seat, but I know her well enough to sense her mischief bubbling just beneath the surface.

We usually trade insults until we’re breathless, but Lucy’s just one of the guys to me—one of the hot ones, I guess. What makes her relatable is that she doesn’t constantly dive into feelings. God, I hate that stuff.

"Fine," I finally concede, bracing myself.

She smiles wide. "So... how many times did you make out with this guy?"

Oh my god. Fuck.

My heart goes from zero to a hundred in an instant. I grip the steering wheel until my knuckles turn white.

"Ask me another question."

Lucy bursts into laughter, bending over and clutching her stomach. "Oh my god! Jeff, how many times?"

"A lot of times, okay?!" I admit, still gripping the wheel like it’s my only lifeline.

"How many times?! Tell me!" She grabs my sleeve, tugging on it like a little kid.

"Stop..." I take a breath, shaking her off gently.“He was my best friend growing up. For some reason, we kissed one day in middle school... We were playing a video game, and I tickled him. It was just... weird. It was nothing, but it kept happening. Like, every time we were alone, it happened. God, we made out all the fucking time until I moved away. In the bathroom at school, in my room with the door closed when my parents were home, in the locker room after a game when everyone had already left. I’m still shocked no one realized we were doing that for so long…I have no idea how many times, Lucy. Hundreds."

I pause, glancing at her and noticing her silence. Her face is blank, and for a moment, I wonder if I’ve shared too much.

"I had girlfriends on and off at the time," I add, trying to give Lucy some context.

She remains quiet, and I can’t help but smile as I think back to high school—those weren’t bad times at all. I was pretty popular, on the football team, and people came out to watch my games, cheering my name. Girls fought over me. I was effortlessly ripped, even though I ate like crap. Honestly, I had nothing to complain about back then.

"I was really popular with chicks back in the day, believe it or not," I say, tugging at my t-shirt and giving her a pointed look. She rolls her eyes, clearly unimpressed.

"What's his name?" Lucy asks, leaning in with genuine curiosity.

"...James." I chuckle at myself for a moment. "Uh, Jamie," I correct.

Finally, she laughs, glancing over at me with that familiar playful sparkle in her eye.

"Jeff..." Lucy grabs my hand and squeezes it. "Dude, you're probably bi."

I frown, looking at her in confusion. "What? No, I’m not."

"Yeah, you are," she insists, squeezing my hand again before using it to change the song on my phone.

"Nothing like that has ever happened again," I stress, shaking my head. "It was just a weird thing with him, no one else. I don’t know what that was."

"That was you wanting some dick, my friend," she teases, selecting the next song and wiggling her eyebrows at me.

"No. Nothing like that happened."

But even I know that’s a lie.

Jamie and I would grind against each other while making out. That was kind of our thing. We had some pretty heavy make-out sessions… Actually, right after my sixteenth birthday, I accidentally came into my swim shorts when we made out for the second time in Jamie's bedroom. I internally cringed. That felt like fucking forever ago, and it was Jamie's fault for relentlessly grinding his hips on me while we laid on the bed.

"Please don't tell me you're gay. Tiffany's going to be heartbroken," Lucy jokes, her tone light, but I can hear the hint of concern beneath it.

"Stop it, Lucy. You're not hearing me. He was my best friend."

My heart aches. I’ve never told anyone about Jamie before. I’ve buried those memories deep and moved on, trying to leave it all behind. I don’t want to think about it anymore. It isn’t just a dirty little secret; I had so many fun, happy memories growing up with Jamie.

He made living in Nevada special. Jamie wasn’t just a friend; he was my rock through some of the toughest times of my childhood.

I remember the day I busted my leg on my dirt bike. I had to wear that clunky cast to school, and it felt like a total nightmare. But Jamie was right there with me. When I walked into school, limping and feeling like everyone was staring, he showed up at my locker with this huge grin, a stack of magazines under his arm, and a ridiculous story about how he’d “honed his nursing skills” while playing video games. He made me laugh so hard that I nearly forgot about the pain, turning a rough situation into something manageable.

Then there was my parents' separation and near-divorce. Those moments were heavy, and I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. Jamie would come over and just listen as I vented about the chaos at home. He’d nod seriously but always find a way to crack a joke, lightening the mood. It was like those moments together created a bubble where I could escape the drama, even if just for a little while.

And how could I forget the time I got caught smoking weed and almost got kicked off the football team? I was terrified, thinking about how disappointed my parents would be and how I’d let my teammates down. But Jamie didn’t even flinch. He showed up at my house with a bag of snacks and a plan. We sat on my bed, brainstorming excuses and laughing about how ridiculous it all was. He stood by me, reminding me that one mistake didn’t define who I was, that I wasn’t alone in this.

Those experiences all wove together for me, Jamie was why Nevada felt like home.

"I hear you," Lucy says, glancing over at me. "So Jamie was your best friend growing up. You clearly care about him. Sometimes you guys made out—no big deal. But now you’re going to show up and possibly see him, and just say... What? 'Hi?' And that’s it?"

"Well, yeah. I moved away. We talked about it and agreed it was just a weird thing. I haven’t talked to him since."

"...Why?"

"We figured it was best not to stay in touch since I was moving. It just seemed weird to keep talking. So that was that."

"And you think you’re going to walk up and say hi without wanting to make out with him again?"

I can’t help but laugh. "Yeah? Lucy, it’s fine. I don’t feel that way anymore. Honestly, I was just a horned-up kid trying to figure things out. It was weird… Plus, Tiffany's a babe—I'm taken."

Lucy laughs too, but I can see a glimmer of doubt in her eyes. "Jeff, you just told me you had girlfriends back when all this was happening!"

"Meh, that was different," I shrug. "Tiffany is for real."

Her eyes widen slightly, curiosity lighting up her expression. "Wow. For real , for real?"

"I think so," I reply, grinning as I glance at her.

As I drive on, the familiar grip of imposter syndrome tightens around me. I've been struggling with it for months, spiraling ever since I landed my first job and got my first apartment. I look around at everyone else, realizing how put together they all seem, while I still feel like I’m stumbling to find my footing. And as Lucy excitedly goes on about how she’d love to be my best man if I ever pop the question to Tiffany, I can’t shake the nagging feeling that maybe I’m just kidding myself.