Page 23 of Hockey Player Seeking Fan (Billionaires Seeking Wives Club #2)

Chapter Fifteen

E rica

"Suki. Do you think that I?—"

Suki holds her hand up and gives me a knowing look.

"What?" I say. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I just want to say one thing before you continue," Suki says. "Ask me a question only if you want a real answer."

"What does that mean? Of course, I want a real answer."

"Yeah, you say that now, but a lot of times people ask questions because they want someone to make them feel better about their decisions or their life. They don't actually want the truth. I want to know if you really want the truth."

"But you don't even know my question yet, Suki. Why would you?—"

"I just want to make it very clear that I'm going to be 100 percent honest with you. So if you're going to ask me something that you don't think you necessarily really want an answer to, don't ask. Because I've lost friends in the past for being too honest."

"I want you to be honest," I say. "I really do."

I let out a deep breath and run my fingers through my hair.

"I mean, obviously, I would love for you to tell me that everything’s in my head and that I’m just wonderful and nothing I think is crazy.

But right now, I’m so confused by life in general that I need someone to shoot it to me straight.

I mean, of course, Sabrina does, and I love her, but I just..

. sometimes feel like maybe she's still saying things kinder than she has to because she's trying to protect my heart. "

"Well, I'm not going to try and protect your heart," Suki says with a wicked grin. "I'm not mean. I just... I wish I were one of those people who knew how to be sweet and kind. Okay, so why don't you tell me exactly what's going on?"

"I feel like I've been so obsessed with my podcast and meeting 'the one' that real life is passing me by."

"Yeah. I would definitely agree with that."

"Suki!"

"No. It's emphatically 100 percent. You've been so obsessed with meeting the one that you have given up sex with hot-ass men."

"I haven't given up sex with anyone," I say.

"Girl, you have given up wanton, passionate, unbridled sex with randos because you're waiting for the one.

And while I think that's admirable, where's that going to get you?

Also, I don't really think there's a 'one' for everyone.

I wish there were, but after having gone through all the things I've gone through?—"

"You haven't gone through that much, Suki."

"I've gone through a lot," she says. "Trust me."

"I mean, I know that you've been in some relationships that haven't exactly gone the way that you wanted them to, but?—"

"They've gone absolutely horrifically. Which is why I've never said anything to you before.

Because you know what? Casual sex is fun, and I've had orgasms that make my body tingle right now, just thinking about them.

But I've had many nights where I've cried.

I've had many nights where I questioned why I wasn't enough or good enough. "

"Oh, Suki. You're always good enough."

"I know. But when you're in love with someone—or rather, you think you're in love—and you want them to choose you, it really fucking sucks when they don't."

"But that's because they weren't the one."

"There is no ‘one,’ Erica. That's just a fantasy in your mind. And I love that you have that. But don't give up on real life because you haven't found that yet. Enjoy yourself. You have so much else to focus on. You have your podcast. How's that doing, by the way?"

My lips tremble.

"Oh, no. What's going on?"

"It's not doing well. I don't think anyone other than my friends and family have listened. So that tells me exactly how many people care—none."

"Girl, you literally just launched it. Give people time to find it."

"No one cares," I say. "Maybe it's because I'm old-fashioned, maybe because I'm espousing things that people just roll their eyes thinking about. Maybe no one's looking for a perfect gentleman. Maybe no one's looking to be wooed. Maybe no one cares about fictional characters."

"Lots of people like to read books," she says.

I collapse onto my bed and sigh.

"I feel like a loser. I just don't understand.

I'm confused, and I don't know where I'm going.

And I recognize that I'm so privileged to be able to figure this shit out, but that makes me feel even more guilty.

There are real people out there who are suffering, who don't have the luxuries I do, and I'm just here, fucking worried about my stupid podcast that hasn't done well and not meeting the love of my life. "

"Those are real issues going on right now."

"They are. But that doesn't mean that mine are any more important than… Suki, kids going to war and people dying are more important than me finding my soulmate."

"I mean, when you put it like that…" She gives me a wry smile. "But still. You gotta give yourself some grace, Erica. It's not all or nothing. You can worry about what you're worrying about and still figure out some other shit to give back."

“Yeah, we’re lucky. We’ve grown up in families that have basically allowed us to live the lives we want.

I don’t take that for granted, and my parents don’t let me take that for granted.

My dad came from nothing. He grew up with twelve brothers and sisters on a small farm.

And trust me when I say he reminds me of that every single day. ”

“I know I’m lucky. And that’s why, even though I want to believe in love like you do, I’ve got real shit to think about—getting a job at JP Morgan or Goldman Sachs and fucking showing my dad that I don’t need him, that I can make it on my own.”

“I didn’t know that you wanted to do that. I thought you were happy living with your dad and taking his money.” I rub my forehead as I study her. “I didn’t know that you wanted to prove anything to him.”

“Yeah, because that’s not fun, is it? It’s not part of the fairytale—that I live this privileged, beautiful life. I feel guilty every single day, and not because of other people, but because of my own family. They remind me that if it wasn’t for them, I’d have nothing.”

She lets out a deep sigh. “But anyway, I don’t want to make this about me. This is about you.”

“No, Suki. That’s the problem. Everything in my life is always about me.”

“I think Sabrina would think differently,” she says, cutting me off.

“You’ve been Sabrina’s best friend for so long, and you’ve been there for her in so many different ways.

Don’t sell yourself short, Erica. You’re not the spoiled little rich girl.

Sure, maybe you have some privileges that others don’t, but you don’t take advantage of them.

You’re not a bitch. You’re not horrible.

You’re not out there buying Cartier and Hermès and Balenciaga and Chanel and walking around in Christian Siriano gowns on a campus like Jemima was. ”

“Oh my gosh, don’t remind me of Jemima,” I say, laughing.

“So, what do you do? What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know. I guess I want to feel like I’m living life. I want to feel like…”

“You want an orgasm; that's what you want.”

She starts giggling.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I feel like you’re sexually frustrated. Does this have to do with that hockey player?”

“What are you talking about?” I say far too loudly.

She rolls her eyes. “This is me, Erica. Suki. I know when a woman is being ridiculously blind about her relationship with a guy because I’ve been so blind in so many relationships, and I recognize in you what was always in me.”

“I mean, he’s cute, but it’s nothing. He is Wes’s friend, and he’s a super popular hockey player. He’s hot and can get any woman he wants. Frankly, he’s not looking for anything. He’s just a sex maniac.”

I feel guilty for saying that, because I don’t really know if he’s a sex maniac. I know that he hasn’t really been in a serious relationship for a long while, and I’m pretty sure he is not abstinent. But equating that to sex maniac doesn’t feel unfair.

“I mean, let me take that back. I don’t exactly know that.”

She starts laughing. “Oh my gosh, you totally want in his pants.”

“I do not want in his pants.” I blush, thinking about the fact that I’ve already felt his cock. I don’t need to tell Suki that.

“Why is your face bright red like a fire engine?” she asks, stepping closer. “What are you not telling me, Erica?”

“There’s nothing I’m not telling you. You know everything there is to know.”

“Everything there is to know isn’t everything there is to know, if you know what I mean,” she says, giggling. “And I don’t think that I know everything there is to know at all.”

“Suki.”

“It’s okay if you’re giving him blowjobs in back alleys. Maybe you’re taking it up the ass so that you can pretend you’re still a virgin.”

“What are you talking about? No, I’m not taking it up the ass.”

“Girl, I went to Catholic school when I was in high school. Do you know how many virgins I knew who had lost their anal cherry?” She shakes her head. “Like three-quarters of the class. They were saving themselves for marriage.”

She rolls her eyes. “Like giving up your ass is really saving yourself.”

“I’m not giving up my ass to anyone,” I say.

“You should try it. Sometimes it’s not so bad.” She laughs. “I mean, I feel like guys are way more into it than women, but I don’t say no if he really wants it.”

“Really, Suki?”

“You want to know what my negative trait is?”

“What?” I ask her.

“My negative trait is doing whatever the guy wants sexually because I hope it’s going to mean he sticks around.” She makes a face. “And yeah, I recognize that in myself, yet I still let it happen.”

“Why?”

“Because my therapist says I have low self-esteem, which is likely true.”

“And why is that?”

“Because no guy has actually chosen me, and it makes me feel like shit about myself.”

She lets out a deep breath. “So I guess you’re not the only one that’s kind of confused and upset and doesn’t really know what’s going on.”

“I think that’s part of growing up and wanting to be in a relationship where someone loves you, but knowing that humans are complicated.”

“So basically you’re saying to me that life is complicated, and I’m overthinking everything and should just go with the flow.”

“I’m saying that if you want to fuck this dude, or any other dude, go for it.

What does it matter if he’s the one? If you can look into a guy’s eyes and you want him and he wants you, experience that pleasure.

Fuck, experience all the pleasure you can, because there’s always going to be pain in life.

Always. So you know what? You might as well get the pleasure before the pain because the pain’s coming anyway. ”

I stare at her for a couple of seconds. “Why does that feel like the worst, yet the most insightful advice you’ve ever given me?”

“I don’t know. Why does it?”

She grabs my hands and looks me in the eyes. “Erica, you’re beautiful, you’re funny, you’re great. Yeah, you’re not really sure where you’re going in life, and you have unrealistic expectations about men, and you may be a little bit of a prude?—”

“Hey,” I say.

She laughs. “But still, you’re an amazing catch.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re not.

You’re going places. And just because your podcast isn’t blowing up right now, doesn’t mean it’s not going to.

It doesn’t even mean that that’s what you’re meant to do with your life.

We’re young. We have an opportunity to make mistakes and learn and grow from them. And honestly, Tyler’s hot.”

“He is kind of hot,” I say, wrinkling my nose.

“Girl. He’s fucking gorgeous. And if you didn’t want him, I would want him.”

“Hey, hands off,” I say quickly, and she bursts out laughing.

“See, you are into him.”

“I mean, I’m not into him, into him, but I’m not not into him.” I groan. “Fine. I don’t know what I’m thinking. I just know that he and I aren’t really on the same page, so do I really want to complicate it with someone who’s my brother’s friend and just?—”

She cuts me off. “You’re overthinking things again, Erica. Stop. You cannot let your entire life be based on overthinking. Take one thing and overthink that, then tell everything else to fuck off and just go with the flow.”

“What do you mean?”

“That’s something one of my therapists said back in the day.” She starts laughing. “Turns out that my therapist was a raging alcoholic and ended up in rehab, but she said some really good things to me before that happened.”

“Yeah, I guess. Thank you for the advice.”

“Look, if you like Tyler and you want to fuck him, fuck him. If you like Tyler and you want him to go down on you, let him go down on you.”

I blush lightly.

“You don’t have to tell me what may or may not have happened already, but I’m just saying, live your life and be happy.

Because one day, we’re going to be old and gray, and we’re going to look back and be like, Why didn’t I fuck that hot stranger?

Why didn’t I give that blowjob in the back alley?

Or why didn’t I get myself licked under the table at a five-star Michelin restaurant? ”

“Really?”

“Sorry. Maybe those will be my thoughts when I get old and gray.” She starts laughing. “But you’re okay now.”

“I’m okay,” I say, nodding. “Thank you for listening to me.”

“You know I love you, bitch,” she says. “If I hadn’t met you and Sabrina and Helen, I don’t know where I’d be in life.

Most likely some miserable ho in the back alley right now, getting fucked by some dude that didn’t even really want me.

But instead, I’m here with you, giving somewhat okay advice. ”

“It’s pretty decent,” I say, smiling.

“You want a cider or something?”

“Yeah, that would be nice. Maybe we can watch a movie and just chill.”

“I’d like that. Sometimes it’s nice to just veg out and not think about guys and just hang with your girlfriends.”

“Exactly,” she says.

“Because we both know tomorrow morning, guys will be on our mind,” I say, and we both burst out laughing.