Page 34 of Highlander Redeemed (Guardians of the Targe #3)
“I ken where the other pass is,” Duncan said, his voice harsh as if he, too, fought to contain his emotions. She glanced up, unable to keep herself from looking at him, but he did not look at her. “I can follow Scotia’s trail out of it and find the soldiers faster than anyone else can.”
Malcolm and Nicholas both looked back at him. “You ken where this pass is, and that she had left by it, and you said nothing?” Nicholas almost snarled at him.
“He only learned of it today.” Scotia took a step forward to defend Duncan, then stopped when he took a step back, the reality of the loss of him, of his support, of his love, only then really sinking in.
She stepped back, squared her shoulders, and looked only at Nicholas.
“’Tis my fault alone that this has happened.
He tried to stop me”—she took a deep breath but did not let her gaze falter—“but I refused to listen to his good counsel.”
Scotia heard Peigi’s wheezy laugh and saw her behind the line of lads, nodding her head, her gaze locked with Scotia’s, and Scotia almost felt a push from the auld woman to keep going.
“Time is of the essence, Nicholas,” Scotia said. “The soldiers may have already found their way to the pass. I will go with Duncan. This is a mess of my making, and ’tis only right I should help clean it up.”
“Nay—” Duncan said, but Malcolm cut him off.
“Clean it up?” Malcolm asked. “Do you think this is a spilled kettle?”
“Nay, I do not,” Scotia said. Her temper flared like a flame igniting in her gut, but she kept it in check, calling on all the training Duncan had given her to keep a cool head, to think clearly even in battle, for in truth, this was a battle for her place in the clan.
Her life, her future, and the future of her clan depended on how she managed herself in this moment.
“I do not think ’tis a spilled kettle,” she said calmly.
“I understand exactly what this is. I understand that I have let my selfish needs drive my actions for too long. I have shamed myself. I broke my promise to Duncan, and I take full responsibility for whatever happens. I understand exactly what I have done and how it has put the entire clan in danger, just as I put Myles in danger and it cost him his life.”
That statement caught her by surprise, but she knew she spoke from her heart, that what she said was true.
She was responsible for Myles’s death, just as everyone had been telling her.
Remarkably, she found it was a relief to understand what she’d done, to admit to it.
No longer would she have to defend herself, for she understood there was no defense of her actions. None of them.
“I was responsible for Myles’s death, though I did not intend it to happen.
I am responsible for leading these soldiers to this glen.
I did not intend it to happen. ’Tis a recurring theme in my life, but do you truly think I want to see the same thing happen to my entire clan, to see them wiped out by the damned English?
Do you think I want the Highlands overrun with the vermin because I have prevented the Guardians from having the time to learn how to create the true Highland Targe?
Everything I have done was in pursuit of vengeance, beginning with my mum’s murder and my failure to prevent it. ”
“You could not have prevented that,” Jeanette said, surprising Scotia. She had not noticed the Guardians standing in the shadow of the trees to her right. “I was there and I was not able to prevent it.”
Scotia closed her eyes for a moment and heard Duncan’s voice in her head. The thing is, Scotia, I think the one you hate is not the English. You blame them, but the one you really hate? That is yourself. I do not understand it, but it is the only thing that makes sense to me.
If she had any hope of keeping her place in the clan, she knew she could keep secrets no longer, no matter what they thought of her afterward.
A warrior must be trustworthy. And though she knew she would never be allowed to join the warriors, if she ever wanted anyone to trust her again she must begin with the full truth.
“I knew the spy was in the tower,” she said to Jeanette. “I knew his intention. My fear over losing Mum was already so strong I denied what I knew , and instead acted on another knowing , that wee Ian was trapped in the burning kitchen. If I had been stronger, braver, she might yet live.”
A silence unlike any she had experienced before wrapped around her as she waited for the hatred she knew she deserved. She had allowed her mother to be murdered because she was too much a coward to face her fear.
“Nay, she would not.” Duncan’s voice slid through the silence.
“She was already dying. She was in pain. You told me that yourself.” He stepped up to stand on Malcolm’s left where he could look at her.
“Just that morn, Jeanette told me Lady Elspet would not likely live another day. Ian is but a child with his full life ahead of him. Given the choice, your mum would have made the same decision. ’Tis what she would have wanted you to do. ”
“Duncan is right,” Jeanette said as she moved toward Scotia and took Scotia’s cold hands in her own.
“Sister, nothing could have prevented what happened. Mum drew his attention trying to protect me. Then I told him Rowan had the Targe in an attempt to get him to leave Mum alone. It was then he killed her and knocked me out when I tried to stop him. She did what she could, even in her state, to keep us all safe. Do you not think rescuing wee Ian would have been her choice for you, rather than putting yourself in the path of that monster?”
Scotia tried to understand what her sister said to her, shocked by the softness and concern Jeanette was showing her. A heaviness she had not known she carried started to slide off her shoulders.
“Truly?”
“Aye. Truly. She would not want you to blame yourself for what happened. She would want you to learn from it, aye, but not seek vengeance for something she chose to do.”
“Even if what you say is true—”
“It is,” Jeanette said. “I was the one there, and you ken well that Mum was a gentle soul. She would never want you to cause harm to anyone for her sake, especially not to yourself.”
Scotia swallowed and looked about, waiting for someone to .
.. she knew not what she expected, but it was not understanding.
“But I am responsible for Myles’s death, and I have led the English to this glen.
I know that now, and I need to do something to atone for that.
” Something tickled the back of her mind, but she could not grasp it.
Nicholas cleared his throat. “Are you sure there are only two soldiers?” he asked Scotia. “Are you certain?”
“I am. An English swordsman named Adam and a Welsh archer. I dinna ken his name, but I think he must be the one who killed Brodie.”
“And why did he not kill you? ”
“Duncan taught me well.”
Nicholas sighed. “Duncan, take Hector and two more of your choosing and hurry to the pass. Capture these English soldiers if you can and bring them back here, blindfolded and in such a way they will not know how to return here if they were to get away. If you cannot capture them, do not let them live to tell this tale.” He looked at Scotia, but he was still talking to Duncan.
“Return here as soon as you can. It seems we have a decision to make, and you must be a part of it.”
Duncan nodded, but his eyes were on Scotia before he pointed at two more of Malcolm’s kinsmen, and led them quickly out of the clearing. Nicholas sent the lads scurrying into the forest to join the women and do what they could to keep them safe if it came to that.
Nicholas looked over at his wife, then at Jeanette and Malcolm, the only ones left in the clearing except for Peigi.
“Rowan, can you keep the three of you safe in your bower?”
“Aye. The barrier we erected there is very strong.”
“We will take Scotia there”—he looked back at her—“but I want her secured, bound hand and foot if no other way.”
Jeanette started to interrupt him, which warmed Scotia’s heart more than it should have, but Nicholas stopped her.
“I ken she is your sister, but she is a danger to this clan. Every time she roams free, trouble happens, and we have enough trouble already. I am the chief. I say she will be bound until Duncan returns and we can decide what to do with her.”
Jeanette started to speak once more, but this time Scotia stopped her.
“Sister, he is right”—her voice wobbled just a little, but she was determined to take without complaint whatever punishment he deemed necessary—“and though I have no intention of bringing further trouble here, I cannot promise it won’t happen, for I have never meant to bring trouble to our clan. ”
Nicholas nodded at her, but his eyes were unreadable.