Page 43 of Hiding Secrets (Hidden Desires Trilogy #2)

Elliott

Oh my god.

I did that.

Why did I do that?

I kissed Hunter. I kissed another man who is not Kameron.

And not just that, Marcus walked in and saw it.

Fuck.

How am I supposed to look Kameron in the eyes when he comes back?

“I’ll be right back.” Hunter says as he makes his way out of his study.

I can feel Marcus’s eyes linger on me before he exits the room at a leisurely pace.

Only once the door clicks into place do I let out a long breath.

My mind is buzzing with the adrenaline running through my veins.

As much as I’m worried about what Kameron will say, I want to do it all over again.

I couldn’t help myself at that moment. He was opening up to me, telling me his scars, giving me pieces of him he didn’t have to give.

The way his face contorted as he relived that pain, not only what he went through but how he treated Marcus and Kameron.

His soul was bare to me in that moment and the pull I felt towards it was something I couldn’t… didn’t want to fight.

What did that say about me? Was Samuel right?

The words start to echo in my head.

‘Now don't be a whore and stop squeezing your thighs together like a bitch in heat from just a smile from a guy like that.’

‘Are you not sorry for your whore-like actions?’

A whore. Looking at a guy made me a whore. Thinking the thoughts I had made me a whore. What does wanting thr–two men make me? I can only imagine the way he would want me to repent for my sins.

It took everything in me to not go looking for something in this house to give a sacrifice with.

I am counting the weeks until Kameron returns.

The craving was strong, clawing inside my skin, screaming at me to give in.

I know it's stupid and wrong, but the need doesn’t care about rationality when it comes to why .

All it wants is to be curbed. To feel the pain that releases the guilt.

I’ve lived my life by the guidelines and rules of the Divine. Being a part of the image means being a part of the Donovan family.

Even when I know it’s all wrong, how am I supposed to just drop all of that?

I stretch my neck again as the poisoned words swirl in my mind, I thought if I ignored the need and pushed down the desire, that it would just go away. I should have known better than that.

The room around me blurs as the books on the shelves fade and the pulse in my ears thumps louder with each beat.

Whore. Whore. Whore.

I squeeze my eyes shut, rubbing them fiercely with the palms of my hands, but it doesn’t ease the tightness in my chest or the way my breaths have suddenly become rapid.

You have, and will always be, my Eden.

Shit.

I open my eyes to see the edges of my vision tunneling, becoming hyper aware of the way my lungs burn with every inhale and exhale.

“Elliott?”

I slam my hands over my ears and rock back and forth.

“Hey!” Hands land on my cheeks and my eyes are met with dark brown hues. My hands fly to their hold to remove them but they won’t budge. “Elliott, keep your eyes on me.”

Marcus?

His words sound far away with the pounding of my pulse in my eardrums. Why is he here? I don’t need him to see me like this.

“I have to go.” I stand and he parrots my motions .

“Come with me.” He grabs my hand in his before I can protest.

Whore. Whore. Whore.

Offer a sacrifice for your sinful ways.

The moments blur as Samuel's voice keeps reverberating in my skull, but when Marcus stops, I let my eyes scan to see where he brought me. It’s the gym I saw him in a few days ago. He lets go of my hand and walks to a shelf in the back before returning to me.

I step away from him, “I need to go.”

I need to get out of here before he sees me absolutely lose it. Where’s Hunter?

“Just humor me.” He grabs my hand and wraps what looks like a gauze around my palms, I flinch as he tightens it.

“Your mind racing?” He asks me as he continues his work, not looking at me.

“Your heart is pounding out of control? And you want to run? How’s your breathing?

” Only then do his eyes connect with mine again.

“I–I can’t breathe.”

“Yes, you can. Take a deep breath.”

“I–” He finishes with my hands then drops them out of his hold, walking to the side of the room and stopping behind a punching bag.

“Come here and punch this.”

I shake my head, “What? ”

He rolls his eyes, “I don’t know how else to tell you to punch this thing. Come punch it.”

“Why?” I say with a shaky breath.

“It will help. You're spiraling and having a panic attack. I know them all too well.”

My head tilts, wanting more from him but of course it’s Marcus and he doesn’t provide more . And in all honesty, I don’t have the energy to push him for it.

I walk up to the bag and he pats a spot, egging me to try it out. I give him a small jab and it barely moves.

“I know you got more than that, princess.”

“I don’t need to punch something, I need to go.”

“You need to punch something…someone. Picture this bag as whatever you need it to be.”

“And how do you know I need this?”

“I’m taking an educated guess based on experience. If it’s not this then you can go, but try it first.” He moves behind the bag, out of sight.

I allow my gaze to lock onto the bag. I stare at the leather and it begins to morph.

The room fades away…and he is there…standing in front of me.

Samuel.

My heart beats in my chest with force, my breath halts, and I squeeze my palms into fists at my side.

Look at my Eden. My Eden, I’ve missed you .

“No.” I breathe out.

Eden, it’s what the Divine wants. It’s our destiny.

My fist clenched and I begin to tremble.

“I’m not your anything. ”

Oh but you are, Eden. You can’t run from the Divine. You can’t run from me.

“Fuck you!” I swing my fist at him and it connects with his jaw.

He doesn’t so much as stumble but I don’t stop my fist from flying at him over and over again.

I don’t even know how long I launch my assault or how many I land on ‘him’.

The pain of my knuckles bruising was easing the itch I was craving.

The one I’ve been fighting off since arriving.

But right now I didn’t care if the craving was consuming me, I needed it.

I needed to feel this, to give this to myself.

The fact that I was punching Samuel, well, an image of him I made up in my head just helped another part of me I didn’t quite have a name for yet.

Tears sting my eyes and the vision of his face fades back into the punching bag as I crumble to the ground.

“How do you feel?”

“Broken.” I cry into Marcus’s chest and his arms hold me tighter. “He used me. They all used me. And I let them, I let myself stay blind to what they were doing.”

“You were a child in need of love and care. They offered a false version of that, you did nothing wrong.”

“All those girls.”

“You didn’t know. ”

“I should have!” I push away from him, anger coursing through me. “I should have seen the truth but I was too fucking weak.” I rise to my feet and speed walk out of the gym, tearing the gauze from my palms.

I should’ve known. I could have done something to help.

I will now.