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This is how I know that it took me a long time to truly comprehend my dad’s death.

One afternoon, when I was thirteen, after my dad had been dead for three years, I came home from school and my mother rushed to meet me, shiny-eyed and flushed. She said, “I have wonderful news, Cherry.”

The most extraordinary sensation of relief suffused my entire body. My legs became so weak with joy I had to sit down. An enormous weight I didn’t know I was carrying lifted from my shoulders. I thought, Dad’s back.

That’s what I truly thought, just for a second, before I came to my senses.

—

I read an article once about the dazzling pop star “Pink.” She had recently lost her father and she said (according to the article, which may or may not have been fact-checked) that her first thought was this: No one would ever love her like that again. When I read that I thought, Yes, “Pink,” I understand. Everyone loves a particular version of you and when that person is gone that version goes with them. My dad was so interested in me. Mum was interested too, but Mum loved a different version of me.

No one ever saw me the way my dad saw me, “the funniest little thing,” the way he maybe still sees me, although I don’t know if I believe in life after death. There is not enough data. But if there is such a thing, and my goodness it would be nice if there is, I wonder if Dad has ever run into Pink’s dad?

Perhaps at the breakfast buffet. A breakfast buffet would be my dad’s idea of heaven.

—

If you’re wondering, my mother’s wonderful news was that she’d saved up enough to book us a holiday at the Coffs Harbour Pacific Palms Motel so we could see the Big Banana.

This lurid yellow tourist attraction was the idea of an American banana plantation owner (who was inspired by a big pineapple he’d seen on top of a cannery in Hawaii) and at the time was the biggest banana in the world. I believe it still is. It began Australia’s obsession with “big things.” We now boast a big beer can, a big ram, a big guitar, a big apple, a big avocado, and many more “big things.” If you are Australian, you may feel proud or embarrassed about this.

Many people are convinced the Big Banana was secretly replaced by a smaller version, so much so that journalists have written articles about it, but it’s not true.

It just looks smaller when we visit again as grown-ups.

Nothing dazzles like the first time.