Page 17 of Her Alien Soldier (Asterion Station #1)
T he next morning, Maggie got ready, irritated with herself for putting any thought at all into what she was wearing or how her hair looked. When she met her other friends for breakfast, it was always a relaxed thing. Comfy clothes, messy hair.
Of course, she didn’t have the memory of sitting on her friends’ laps, or having them behind her, thrusting deeply between her legs, shattering her world.
She shook her head and pulled on a pair of comfortable black leggings and a black v-neck top, tossed her hair up in a messy bun, and took a deep, steadying breath before she made her way to the eatery where they planned to meet.
When she stepped inside the busy establishment, she spotted him immediately, sitting in a corner booth, a cup of what looked like coffee in front of him. He turned in her direction and their eyes met. She took another steadying breath before heading to his table and sitting across from him.
“Hello,” she said, then felt like an idiot for not having something better, or wittier, or more interesting to say.
“Hello, Maggie,” he answered in that deep, warm rumble. “It is good to see you.”
“You as well,” she said, nodding when the server approached and offered her coffee. They made idle chit-chat for a few minutes, then there was the appreciated distraction of their food arriving. They ate in somewhat awkward silence for a few minutes.
“Maggie,” Xarek said, and she looked up to see him watching her. He set his eating utensil down.
“What?”
“You deserved better. I should have spoken to you before I left.”
She took another bite of pancake. “I did, and you should have. Or at least left a message.”
He started to say something, then paused and nodded. “Yes. I should have.”
“I know you were in a hurry and had to leave. It just–”
“I was in a hurry, but that was not why I neglected to say something to you.”
“You didn’t think about me at all. You were focused. I understand. I know how you are.”
“No, Maggie. In this case, you do not.”
She raised her eyebrows and took another bite of pancake, looking at him expectantly.
He blew out a deep breath. “I thought to come to you. To tell you I had to leave immediately, but that I’d be back.”
She set her fork down and crossed her arms, still watching him. “Yeah? So what happened?”
“Two things. First, there was always the chance I would not make it back. It was a dangerous mission and I knew I would be leading it. It felt dishonest to tell you I would be back, when I could guarantee no such thing. But even more,” he pressed on, raising a hand when she opened her mouth to speak.
She closed her mouth, then nodded for him to continue.
“Even more,” he went on, “for the first time in my life, something meant as much to me… more, in some ways… than the mission did. I was sure that if I saw you, held you, said goodbye to you… I would not be able to actually do it. My strength and willpower would not be enough against how much I wanted to remain at your side.”
Maggie picked up her fork again, using it to run a piece of pancake through some of the syrup on her plate.
“That seems like a really good thing to say if you’re trying to get back on someone’s good side.
” She shifted her gaze from her plate, looking up at him to see him watching her intently. He nodded.
“It would be a good thing to say in that case. And I am trying to get back on your good side. But it is also the truth. I have never felt as… weak, as conflicted, as I did on that day.”
“And you aren’t accustomed to feeling weak.”
“Not in a very long time… not in that way. There is the general sense of weakness, of overwhelm wondering how I can help my people. That was something I was accustomed to, at least.”
Maggie nodded, not knowing what to say to that.
“I felt guilty for feeling conflicted. Like a coward for not telling you. Angry that I had to leave you, when all I wanted was to hear your laugh and feel you close to me.”
“I.. look. We had a good time together. I feel like maybe you haven’t had a whole lot of fun because duty required you to focus on that.
And I got carried away too. I’m good at keeping people at a distance and I forgot to do that with you.
Which was dumb since I knew you’d be leaving,” she finished, setting her fork down again.
“It was more than just fun,” he growled.
“Don’t get growly with me. I’m telling you we both made some mistakes. So if you came here to apologize, I accept, and now you can move on with your life.”
“Maggie–”
“I’ve put my life together in a way now that means I shouldn’t have to put it back together again,” she interrupted, and he closed his mouth. “I’m too old to keep starting over, and should know better. I’m in a good place. I accept your apology, but we can’t just go back to how things were.”
Xarek watched her for a moment, then sighed, nodding, his shoulders slumping in a way that made her want to hug him.
Yeah, she needed to get away from him as soon as possible. Before she did something stupid like give into that urge.
She was just about to do that, when he spoke up. “What if we didn’t try to go back to the way things were?” he asked.
She paused. “What do you mean?”
“What if we started over? And there was no mission distracting me from you, and no impending battle that would pull me away?”
She shook her head. “You’re on leave, you said.”
“I am.”
“Which means you’re going back. Which means that whatever we do still has an end and you’re only here temporarily.”
“I’m on leave for as long as I want. I am likely going to retire,” he answered quietly. “I would much rather do that knowing I can spend time with you, but retirement is in my future either way.”
“Until you’re needed,” she said softly. “We both know that if they need you, you’ll come out of retirement.”
“I would,” he said. “But with our enemy defeated and our defensive grid operational, I do not think that will be an issue. That was my priority after the enemy was defeated, ensuring my people were shielded and protected. We also set up permanent alliances with some of the planets that assisted us.”
She watched him, and, after a moment, he went on.
“That was for my people, yes. But it was also for me. So I could come back to you and give you the attention and care you deserve.”
It was bad enough that she already wanted to leap into his arms, sit on his lap and smother him with kisses. And then he has to go and say something like that. She stayed quiet, not trusting what might come out of her mouth if she opened it.
“I hurt you,” he said quietly, watching her with that dark gaze. “That is unforgivable.”
The words, and his tone, that sad, deep longing that she knew matched her own, nearly undid her. “I was thoughtless, and my weakness hurt you. I should have been strong enough to do what I needed to do. I failed you.”
“You didn’t…”
“I did. I did need to leave. I should have focused on the two things I wanted: you, and my people’s safety.”
She sighed. Every barrier she’d put up around her heart, primarily to guard it against him, was crumbling.
“You’re kind of an idiot,” Maggie finally muttered, glancing up at him to see a look of surprise on his face.
“I am,” he conceded. “But I am trying not to be. At least where you are concerned.” He took a deep breath. “I have been told I am too much of a soldier. Useless at the emotional side of things. What happened with you proved that.”
She nodded, taking a deep breath, then taking a sip of her coffee.
“I have some ideas… words will not do it here. And they should not. You deserve more.”
She watched him, and he smiled at her, then slapped a beefy hand on the table.
“I know what to do. It will require me to leave you, at least for a short period. But I will return. Maybe you will want me as a friend, and nothing more. Or, maybe we will be so much more, the way we once were,” he said quietly.
She watched him as he stood, looking up at him in confusion.
“I will be back by this time next cycle. When I return, I hope I can claim a little of your time.”
“You… um. You can,” she said, staring up at him.
He gave her one of those small smiles, nodded, and lumbered away, leaving her watching him in confusion.