Page 15 of Hendrix (Speed Demons MC Virginia #1)

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

ANNA

T hrowing the hotel doors open, I almost skipped into the parking lot like I was walking on clouds because, for the first time ever, I was about to get on the back of Hendrix’s bike. As much as I knew it shouldn’t mean so much to me, it meant the world.

My maternity jeans were fashionably tight, but the waistband still felt comfortable. Freya had loaned me a pair of wedge-heeled black boots along with a black leather jacket that I’d paired with a pink tee. I’d also swiped on some red lip gloss and kohled up my eyes before styling my hair into a fishtail braid that hung down over one shoulder.

The entire ensemble looked awesome.

My lips tipped up when my gaze fell on Hendrix, who sat on his bike, chatting to Colt, and my heart fluttered so hard I thought it would fly out of my chest.

He wore black jeans that hugged his thick thighs and a black leather jacket with the Speed Demons patch on the back emblazoned with the word ‘President.’ His blue eyes were covered by the Oakley wraparound sunglasses I recognized as the ones I bought for him as a birthday gift back when we first started seeing each other.

Bright, white teeth flashed through his beard as he laughed at something Colt said, and I smiled as he reached up and scraped his hair together to gather it into the ever-present black elastic hair tie around the same wrist his silver and leather bracelets adorned.

Jameson ‘Hendrix’ Quinn was the most handsome man I’d ever laid eyes on, and I realized in that moment I’d never stopped loving him, and I never would.

No man had ever made me feel so beautiful and so seen. He’d fucked up badly in the past, but I also knew him to be a decent man, sometimes sweet, and now so fiercely protective of me that my heart sped up whenever he was close.

Although our affair ended badly, our time together was mostly incredible. It was crazy how his erratic behavior during the last weeks of our relationship wiped out everything wonderful that came before. Maybe that was why it hurt so much when he pushed me away.

I wasn’t stupid because I knew he had his reasons for what he did, and although he’d turned my heart into ash, he felt bad enough to come to me months later and beg forgiveness. I’d also picked up on little comments he’d made since I’d been in Virginia but brushed them under the rug because I hadn’t been ready to hear the truth.

Maybe his reasons wouldn’t make a difference to where we were now. Perhaps too much water had passed under the bridge for us to have anything like what we had before. But I couldn’t get Freya’s speech about giving him a chance to explain out of my mind, and now I was ready to listen.

Hendrix spotted me, and he whipped his sunglasses off. His eyes met mine, and our gazes locked into place. “Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes,” he drawled huskily, his stare raking down my body, then back up again.

My skin tingled from his heated gaze, and I had to push down the urge to strut down the steps, grab his face, and plant a kiss on his soft lips, the way I used to back when he belonged to me. It was crazy how one look could transport me to another time, full of contentment and soft laughter. Memories of whispered promises, soft touches, and tangled sheets swept through my mind, and my heart tugged toward him as if he’d pulled me closer by the invisible string connecting us.

Navigating my way down the steps, I smiled at the buoyancy of my heart. For so long, I’d been slowly becoming more repressed without even noticing. But now I felt lighter as if a huge weight had been lifted from my chest. The fuel tank of his bike was sprayed a copper-tone red apart from the muted chrome handlebars and pipes. A stab of familiarity hit me somewhere deep because the color reminded me of the sunrises we used to watch together.

Hendrix reached out and grasped my fingers, helping me safely climb on behind him before placing my hands around his waist and sliding a hand across my thigh. His neck twisted, his gaze softening, and he murmured, “Feels right.”

“Yeah,” I agreed.

“Dreamed of this,” he whispered. “Dreamed of my girl on the back of my bike. You being here like this with me proves you’re my dream come true.”

“Jamie,” I breathed.

“Love that, too,” he murmured. “Every time you call me Jamie, my dick gets hard.” He moved my hand down to his thickening cock. “See?”

“Oh my God,” I wailed, pulling my hands away. “Why do you always have to ruin the moment?”

“Fuck!” he muttered as he turned his head and buried his nose into my hair, breathing deeply. “Every time I catch a hint of your perfume, my cock develops a life of its own.”

I squirmed in my seat at the memory of Hendrix’s beautiful cock and the magical things he could do with it.

“You always did it for me,” he murmured, nuzzling my neck until shivers ran down my spine. “Just the fucking scent of you drives me goddamned crazy.” His mouth caught mine, and he sucked gently on my bottom lip before releasing it and peppering kisses across my jaw. “You made my world so fuckin’ safe,” he whispered. “I could tell you anythin’, and I knew there’d be no judgment. You gave me everything, baby. It was jacked up that I didn’t give you the same back.”

My throat heated, and I stared at the regret in his expression, feeling it burrow deep.

His fingers brushed over my belly. “I had to let you go for you to have this.”

“We could’ve had it together,” I murmured. “But you didn’t want it.”

His face blanked, and he pulled away, turning back to the handlebars and changing the subject. “We’re carrying precious cargo. I’ll take it easy and not go fast. Stick to me like glue, lean in when I do, and hold on tight.”

I shoved the helmet I’d borrowed from Freya over my head and pulled the chinstrap tight, then my hands slid back onto Hendrix’s hard, ridged stomach, and I held on tight, calling out, “Ready.” I smiled into Hendrix’s back, feeling his muscles ripple under my fingertips.

A crackle sounded through my helmet as a laid-back beat began to thump out the opening bars to “Brass in Pocket” by the Pretenders. The music drowned out the growl and popping of the Harley’s engine as Hendrix brought the bike to life.

My fingers squeezed.

He craned his neck and smiled at me before facing forward again and setting off slowly across the parking lot.

The sun's warmth hit my body, and I rested my cheek against Hendrix’s back, the scent of the warm spring air overtaking my senses.

Virginia was a beautiful part of the country, and Hendrix giving it to me from the back of his bike meant something to me.

I knew how much he loved riding. He always said it was in his blood. His dad rode, and they built a bike together when Hendrix was a teenager, so it held beautiful memories for him. One of the first things Hendrix ever said to me was that four wheels move the body, whereas two wheels move the soul, and right then, I could relate.

My mind felt clearer, and all the crap that had seemed so muddy and difficult to wade through suddenly became simpler, like the clouds parted in my mind, letting the sunlight shine with some much-needed clarity.

The last few years hadn’t been easy.

First, losing Hendrix screwed with something inside me. I’d always been relaxed about my place in the world and my purpose, but after he left, I felt as if I had something to prove. I was in my early thirties and had always believed there was plenty of time to meet the man who was meant to be mine and have lots of babies, but after Hendrix, I doubted it would ever happen for me.

Maybe it was the reason I clung to Antoni. When I met him, he seemed perfect, and okay, so he didn’t set the same fireworks off inside me as Hendrix did, but in a way, that was a relief because fireworks were dangerous, at least for me.

Looking back, I think I loved the idea of Toni and the life he represented. That wasn’t to say I didn’t love him because I did but in a different way to Hendrix. I loved the security he offered. I loved that he wanted to be all in and give me what I needed, and I loved that he weaved me into his life instead of treating me like a passing fancy.

It was what I needed at the time, and if he hadn’t changed, I would have stayed married to him forever.

But he did change, or did he? Maybe Toni was always controlling, but he hid it well.

The day he beat me was the day my love for him died. I didn’t hate him; I just felt indifferent. If I hated anybody, it was myself because, once again, I’d chosen wrong, but that time, I’d brought a baby into it.

It was weird because I was sorry Toni had to die, but I wasn’t sorry he was dead. If he’d lived and I had gotten away from him, I would’ve always looked over my shoulder along with my son. The act of killing for me was shocking and not something I would have ever had the strength to do myself, but if it was a choice between living a life of fear or not, then I had no choice but to beat back my moral compass.

My head cleared over the forty-minute ride, and my concentration began to waver onto the lush scenery filled with countryside. We took the 629 up to Alexandria, then headed northwest.

My ass wasn’t used to being on a bike, so when Hendrix eventually pulled off into a clearing with picnic tables and a couple of food trucks, I breathed a sigh of relief.

Hendrix slowed down and gradually came to a stop before pulling off his helmet and turning to me. “Your ass okay?”

I smirked. “You tell me.”

He laughed. “I could always massage it later for ya.”

“Yeah.” I removed my helmet, placed my hand on his shoulder, and gingerly dismounted, taking some time for my muscles to start working properly again. “I’d never turn a massage down,” I declared, balancing the helmet off the handlebars like I’d seen Freya and the Speed Demons’ women do.

He placed his helmet next to mine, chuckling to himself. “Always loved your body, baby. You’re tiny but still curvy in all the right places. Erica was gorgeous in a toned way, and I loved her strength, but after having you, I realized I missed out on soft and sweet.”

My breath caught in my throat.

Apart from our first night when he told me about her, Hendrix never spoke about his wife. I always assumed it was too painful for him, so I never pushed it. But right then, I found myself growing more curious.

I reached out and cupped his jaw. “Tell me about her.”

For a moment, I thought he’d refuse or at least try to change the subject, but instead, he raised one shoulder in a shrug, like he’d resigned himself to the fact he was about to open up. “Erica was one of the boys. She told a mean joke, could chug a beer with the best of them, and was the least girlie girl you could ever meet. Don’t get me wrong, she was beautiful but natural. She wasn’t into makeup, and she usually wore her hair tied back. She loved the gym, she loved football and boxing, and she loved shooting the shit with the boys.” He grinned. “She was the first girl I met who I felt comfortable with. I wasn’t used to bein’ around women with my mom passing away when I was young. Dad brought his buddies around but not their wives, so I was kinda clueless. Erica was into what I was into.”

I smiled wryly. “The opposite to me then. Typical that you met a hairstylist who loves her shoes and purses.”

“She was the opposite to you, baby,” he agreed. “But that’s not a bad thing. I was never looking for a replacement for her. Erica was one of a kind and I loved her, but we were young when we married and did it on a whim. We were in different units and hardly spent any quality time together. Sometimes, I wonder if it would’ve lasted if we ever had to actually live as husband and wife. I’m selfish now, but back then, all I cared about were my missions. Erica was the same way, so it worked well for both of us. But sooner or later, one of us would’ve had to take a step back from our military career if we wanted our marriage to work, and that would’ve been a big stumbling block for her as well as me.”

“I’m glad you had her,” I whispered. “I’m glad you had that.”

He smiled sadly. “Yeah. Me too.”

We stood there staring at each other for a few seconds, Hendrix caught in his memories of the past, and me caught up in Hendrix.

“You want tacos or not?” he asked, ducking his chin.

I almost groaned out loud at the thought. “More than anything in the world.”

Hendrix’s hand caught mine and he swung his thick thigh over the seat to dismount. “How many can you manage?” he asked, nodding toward the truck.

“I’ll start with two,” I decided. “See how I go.”

“Love a girl who eats,” he muttered, throwing his arm across my shoulders and walking me toward the wooden picnic table and benches set up a few feet away from the truck. “Always wondered how you stayed so small.” He sat me down on the bench, stooped down to drop a kiss on my forehead, and then sauntered toward the truck to place our order.

I watched his ass, all high and snug in his perfectly fitted Levi’s, and my thighs clenched with need. It was weird, but since I’d been pregnant, I’d lost my libido entirely. I hadn’t had sex with Antoni for months. I blamed it on pregnancy hormones, but really, once I began to see his controlling, narcissistic ways, I started feeling icky about him.

There was no ick factor with Hendrix. In fact, he was the sexiest man I’d ever laid eyes on. If anyone was going to end my sex drought, I hoped it would be him, but at the same time, I didn’t want to rush into anything physical. I agreed with what Freya said—I owed it to both of us to get to know the man he’d become while we’d been apart—but my husband’s body wasn’t cold yet. Sleeping with Hendrix wouldn’t just be inappropriate but also the wrong thing for both of us, and I’d already made a pact with myself that I was all out of bad decisions.

In no time, Hendrix was back, carrying a cardboard tray filled with wrapped tacos and two bottles of water. He placed the tray down and sat beside me on the bench, twisting the top off one of the bottles and putting it on the table in front of me.

I murmured my thanks while simultaneously unwrapping my first taco. I was immediately hit by the smell of warm spices and cheese. Taking a big bite, I groaned out loud, my eyes rolling in ecstasy as I began to chew while savoring the taste I’d been craving for days.

Hendrix’s eyes darkened on me. “You trying to give me a coronary, woman?” he grumbled, shifting on his side of the bench.

“I’m sorry,” I replied through my mouthful of food. “It’s just so fucking good.”

He took a bite of his taco and groaned, just like I had seconds before.

I burst out laughing at his blissful expression. “Good, huh?”

“Only thing that tastes better is you,” he muttered, taking another bite and throwing me a sidelong glance. “Always loved the way you taste.”

“Yeah.” I held the water bottle to my lips and took a delicate swig. “You always said that.”

“Meant it,” he stated. “Meant everythin’ I said.”

My eyes caught his, and I shook my head disbelievingly. “So why did you leave? How did it go so wrong? One minute, I thought we were fine. The next, you disappeared. Was it the pregnancy scare? Did it spook you?”

His hand stopped halfway to his mouth, and he froze. After a brief pause, he stuffed the rest of the taco in his mouth and chewed, his eyes glazing over in thought. Once he’d finished, he threw a leg over the bench until he straddled it, facing me, and turned my body to face his.

“Gotta confession to make,” he said quietly, taking my hands in his. “You’re right; it was the pregnancy scare, baby, but not in the way you think.”

“Stop talking in riddles,” I told him gently.

He brought a hand up to his forehead and rubbed it thoughtfully. “Okay. So when we first got close, you told me you eventually wanted kids. After a while, things between us grew more serious, and you never mentioned it again, so I didn’t really think about it much after that.” He leaned his elbow on the table and heaved out a breath, scraping his hand across his jaw. “Then you thought you were pregnant, and I saw how excited you got at the thought of having a kid, and it freaked me ‘cause I knew it wouldn’t ever happen for us.”

My heart sank.

I knew it.

My hand went to my belly and rested against it protectively. “You don’t want kids. You said it then, and you still mean it now.”

“No, baby. It’s not that.” His hand came to mine and cupped it against my swollen stomach. “I never said I didn’t want kids. I said that kids weren’t in my future.”

My face twisted in confusion. “Same thing.”

“No, Freckles, it’s not.” He tipped his head back and bit out a frustrated, “Fuck!” before righting himself again and locking eyes with me and announcing, “It’s not that I don’t want kids, Anna. The issue is, I can’t have kids. I’m infertile.”

My entire body locked tight. “What?”

His fingers squeezed mine. “I’ll never be able to get you pregnant, Anna. That’s why kids aren’t in my future. It’s not that I don’t want them. It’s that I can’t have them. I’m sorry. I’ll give you anything you ask of me, baby. I’ll move mountains for you, but the one thing I can’t do is give you a child.”

“I don’t understand,” I whispered, my tone filled with confusion. “Have you always known about this? Or did you find out recently?”

He sucked a deep breath into his lungs and blew it out slowly as if he was trying to keep his shit together. “I was on a mission in Borneo, and we were fired on. I got hit at the top of my thigh. You remember you asked me about the scar?”

Unable to speak, I simply nodded.

“We were stuck in the jungle for two weeks before we got hauled outta there. During that time, the wound got infected. The infection spread to my internal organs and the tract my sperm passes through. If they hadn’t got me outta there when they did, I would’ve died. Luckily, they got me to safety in time, but it was too late to stop the bacteria from spreading into my organs and bloodstream, which caused sepsis.”

“Oh my God, Jamie,” I whispered.

“I was sick for three months,” he went on. “Had to have blood transfusions and a lotta rehab. My legs were affected along with my digestive system. Was on a drip for weeks ‘cause I couldn’t even keep a glass of water down.”

My mouth filled with saliva at the thought of what he’d gone through.

I knew his work in the military was highly dangerous. Seeing him in action showed me how ruthless he could be and how that ruthlessness had to have been born from experience. But hearing him speak so matter-of-factly about what had happened to him and what he’d lost hit me somewhere deep. It was like there was no emotion there, no feeling, not even an opinion.

“I’m sorry that happened to you,” I murmured, my voice catching with emotion. “It must’ve been difficult to come to terms with.”

He shrugged. “Initially, it was a blow, but I’m lucky to be here more or less intact. Some of the soldiers I served with never came home, and let’s not forget the ones like Blade, who lost a limb or the use of their legs. My dick still works fine. It just won’t ever produce a kid.”

“And have you come to terms with that?” I asked, searching his face for any kind of reaction.

His expression remained impassive. “Yeah. Though it seems you need some time to think it over.”

“What do I need to think over?” I asked, a little bewildered.

“Whether you wanna be with a guy who can’t give you what you want, Anna. Look, babe, you’re pregnant, and apart from the initial shock, I’m so fuckin’ happy for ya ‘cause it’s taken the pressure off me.”

My forehead scrunched up. “What pressure? I don’t know what you’re talking about.” His words were confusing me more and more. But the meaning behind them began to hit hard with his next statement.

“The pressure to give you a kid,” he admitted. “The pressure to make you a mom. When you had the pregnancy scare, I saw it clear as day, Freckles. It’s what you wanted more than anything. I knew I couldn’t give it to you, and it was hard to get my head around. I’m the kinda man who wants to give my woman her heart’s desire, so knowing I couldn’t provide the one thing you wanted most made me second-guess everything. I couldn’t see the wood for the trees.”

“I’m starting to get that,” I murmured.

“But you’re pregnant now. In an ideal world, it would be my baby, but I’m happy you’re getting what you want because it means I can finally get what I want too.”

“And what is it you want?” I asked.

His eyes held mine. “You.”

“Are you saying you want me because I’m pregnant?” I challenged.

“No, baby,” he rumbled. “I want you because I love you more than life, but the fact you’re pregnant means I can finally have you.”

I ignored the warmth that prickled through me at his mention of love. “So what happens if I want another baby? You gonna farm me out to someone else who can knock me up?”

“I never farmed you out,” he argued. “I let you go so you could get everythin’ you wanted, but to answer your question, I dunno. I’ve not thought that far ahead. Maybe we could look at adoption. There’s a lotta kids in the world who need a home.”

I cocked an eyebrow. “So why couldn’t we have done that three years ago?”

“You wanted your own kid,” he muttered.

“No, Jamie,” I cut out. “I’m trying to understand where you’re coming from, really I am. What happened to you must’ve had a psychological impact, so I’m trying my best to keep my shit together and not slap you upside the head. But all I wanted three years ago was you. Having your baby would’ve been my honor, but having you would’ve been my life.”

His body jerked at my words.

“Baby,” he whispered.

I leaned toward him. “I get where your head must’ve been back then, but if you’d just told me, we could’ve got through it. Why did you keep it a secret?”

He took a bite of his taco and chewed, allowing himself some time to think of his reply. “It’s not the kinda thing a man broadcasts.”

“I had what I thought was a pregnancy scare, honey. That was the perfect time to broadcast it, at least to me.”

“Not easy tellin’ someone you’re not the virile man they thought you were,” he muttered.

“You were the man I loved,” I declared softly. “The fact you were injured in the military and it stopped you from biologically fathering a child would’ve just made me love you more. Except you didn’t give me the chance to show you that, and it hurts you didn’t trust me. It also hurts you didn’t feel safe enough to show me what you thought was a vulnerability but what I would’ve thought was a strength.”

“First time you’ve said you loved me,” he said wistfully.

I let out a resigned snort. “I’m starting to think we should’ve both been more open with each other. I thought back then that professing my love would’ve scared you away, so I tried to show you instead. Now I’m thinking I should’ve shouted it from the rooftops because maybe you needed that to feel secure enough to trust me.”

“I did trust you,” he assured me. “I knew you’d never leave me over something like that. That’s why I left you. I wanted you to have what you wanted from life, even if it was with somebody else. I knew you’d never make that move, so I had to do it for ya.”

“It was my decision to make,” I insisted.

“I know, baby, but I am who I am, and I would’ve never given you the choice. Even now, seeing how upset you are about what I did, I still wouldn’t change it because you got what you needed, and we’re still here.”

My heart clenched at his words. “You can’t make decisions for me. You decided I should stay here, so you locked me in a room for days. You decided I wanted a baby more than I wanted you, so you left me. Can’t you see how fucked up that is? What happens when you decide something else for me? Will I lose you again?” My hands went to my stomach. “Will he?”

“I won’t hurt you or him,” Hendrix insisted.

“I don’t believe you,” I whispered.

“Then I guess I’ll have to prove it.” His eyes dropped to my food, and he nodded toward it. “Eat your tacos, babe. They’re gettin’ cold.”

I picked one up and unwrapped it, my thoughts still stuck on Hendrix’s revelation.

My chest ached, and my heart felt as if it were breaking all over again, not for me, but for everything he’d been through.

I knew what had happened must’ve affected Hendrix’s confidence. He was a man’s man and the fact he couldn’t father a child would have made him feel inadequate.

But that wasn’t an excuse to steamroll his way through life and decide what was best for everybody else.

He loved me, I knew it back then and I didn’t doubt it now, and at least I finally had the answers I needed. But what would happen next time he believed I’d be better without him? Would he leave me, or worse, leave my child?

Hendrix obviously had insecurities that ran deep, and I wasn’t sure I was a match for them. Maybe nobody would be able to beat them back, least of all him. I felt terrible about what he’d been through but a part of me couldn’t help feeling frustrated with him because we’d lost something good for a reason that didn’t exist. The problems he’d created in his head weren’t even issues for me.

I had to think this over and talk it through with somebody.

And then I needed to decide once and for all if Hendrix was worth the risk to my heart.