Page 22
Natasa
We’ve been back at the clubhouse for a few weeks now. Things have changed. I’ve changed, and I don’t know if it’s for the better either. I’ve felt disconnected from everything and everyone.
“Nat?”
“What, Gunner?”
“What’s goin’ on with you?”
“Nothing. I’ve told you that multiple times.”
“It’s been two weeks, Nat, and you haven’t held Jesse once.” He’s right. I haven’t. I don’t know why I can’t hold my son. I don’t know why I feel the way I do.
“Yes, I have.”
“Don’t lie to me, Nat. I know you haven’t. What’s goin’ on?” Gunner walks over and sits on the edge of the bed, grabbing my hand in his. I slowly slip it away and stand, pacing the floor.
“I don’t know, Gunner. I don’t know. I just … I don’t feel anything. I feel numb.”
“What’s goin’ on in your head?”
“I don’t know! I just don’t feel,” I tell him once more. And I don’t. I don’t feel a thing. I don’t feel like a mother who loves her child. I don’t feel like a mother at all. I’ve done nothing for Jesse. Not a damn thing. Gunner has taken care of him for the past two weeks. I’ve cried, and I’ve slept. That’s it. It feels horrible, but that’s all I want to do.
“I’m callin’ the doctor. You can’t keep doin’ this.”
“Doing what?”
“This.” He waves his hand through the air. “You sleep. You cry. You barely eat.”
“Well, excuse the fuck out of me for trying the best I can!” I scream at him. Gunner shakes his head, running his hand through his hair.
“I didn’t say that, Nat.”
“You didn’t have to.”
“You need help, baby girl. You need somethin’ to help make this shit better.”
“What I need is to sleep. I’m exhausted.”
“I know you are, but there’s a reason for that.”
“Yeah, I had a baby, Gunner.”
“Two weeks ago, Natasa. And you don’t even get up to feed him. I do.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, I’m not super mom like your ex,” I snap at him. He doesn’t deserve this. He really doesn’t because he’s done nothing but take care of Jesse since we’ve been home.
“Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me right now? Why the fuck would you bring her into this?”
“I don’t know. Maybe you wanted this baby with her, not me.”
Gunner blows out a breath before walking toward me and wrapping his hand around the back of my neck. He keeps it locked there so I can’t move as he leans down into my face.
“I want you, Nat. I want Jesse. I want us. I don’t know how much more clear I can make it for you.”
“You want Jesse.”
“And I want you too, Natasa. Don’t do this to us. Let’s get you some help.”
“I’m fine,” I repeat through gritted teeth.
“You’re fine? That’s what you’re goin’ with?” I nod my head as he pulls away and walks to the door. He hollers for Rick, and in seconds, he appears with Jesse in his arms. Gunner quickly takes him and walks over to me, thrusting him at me.
“Hold our son,” he demands.
“I’m tired.”
“Hold our son, Natasa.”
“I said I’m tired.”
“Take him!” He roars this time. I reach for Jesse and pull him into my arms, but I still feel nothing. Not a damn thing. This isn’t right. I should feel something for my child. Anything. Tears slide down my cheeks as I look at him and then back to Gunner.
“Take him back,” I tell him. He shakes his head and walks away from me, leaving me in the room alone with Jesse. “Take him back!” I scream, startling the baby in my arms. “Take him, Gunner!” In seconds, Locke is in the room, taking Jesse from my arms and cradling him against his chest.
“What’s happenin’?”
“I feel nothing, Locke. Nothing! Why don’t I feel anything?” I cry harder as he looks at me.
“You need help, Nat. Let him help you.”
“I’m so tired of everyone saying I need help!”
“Well, you do! You can face that fact, or you keep goin’ the way you are and have nothin’. You wanna lose them both?” he asks. More tears stream down my cheeks as I shake my head. That’s not what I want. I don’t want to lose them.
Locke turns and leaves the room with Jesse in his arms. I follow behind him, knowing I need to talk to Gunner. When I step into the main room, I see him. He’s got his hands against the wall, his head bowed forward. A piece of my heart shatters. I don’t want to do this to him. I don’t want to hurt him.
I walk over, slide under his arms, and wrap my arms around his waist, holding on tightly. Eventually, his arms fall, and he holds me against him.
“I don’t know what’s happening to me. I don’t feel anything, Gunner. Nothing.”
“We need to see the doctor then, Nat. This isn’t normal.”
“I know. I’m just scared. What if I’m like them? Like my parents.”
“You’re nothin’ like them, Natasa. Nothin’. You’re stressed, and you’re new to this. That’s it. Your hormones are all over the place.”
“You think that’s all it is?”
“Yeah, baby girl, I do. Will you talk to the doctor?”
“Yeah. I will.” He blows out a breath and holds me closer.
“Thank you.”
“What if it doesn’t get better?”
“It will. You just need somethin’ to help along the way.”
“How are you always so calm about things?” I ask.
“Because I know everything is gonna be okay, Nat. That’s how. I’m here. I’m not goin’ anywhere,” he tells me, and my heart beats faster. I haven’t made this easy on him and he’s still here. I don’t know how he does it. I don’t know how he stays with me.
“I’m sorry, Gunner.”
“Don’t do that. This isn’t your fault, baby girl. You’re goin’ through a lot. You’ve dealt with a lot in the past, and it’s all catchin’ up to you. I’m here, though; don’t shut me out, okay?”
“I’m trying not to. I really am. I just feel so bad.”
“And that’s why we’re gonna get you help.”