Page 10

Grease

BOOM BOOM BOOM

… Is that pounding in my head or the door? I moan as I try to move or breathe without the searing pain flowing through my temples.

“Grease, get the fuck up. Church in twenty!” I hear I think Comp say through the door.

“Fuck you! Leave me alone,” I try to yell back, but end in a soft tone as I press my hands against my eye sockets. It doesn’t help in the least.

“If I have to come back and drag your ass to church, just know your face will look even worse than mine,” he threatens, and I hear the sounds of retreating footsteps.

Blinking my eyes open so I can take stock of my appearance. Still dressed in boots, jeans, and the same white shirt as yesterday and probably the day before that. Shit, when was I sober last? Probably the last time they gave me false hope of where Beck… I mean, Lyra might be. We had been following closely behind them for a couple weeks, then suddenly, they dropped off the map. No way to find them, no way to track them. I don't pretend to know all the tools and tricks Comp uses to find people, but I know that if Comp can't find them, I have no hope.

The only good thing about that is that the fucks chasing her won't be able to find her either. I did everything I could, but Swift and Comp told me I had to leave it to them in the end. I had to trust them. Problem is… I do trust them. But that doesn’t change the way my chest hurts beyond belief. It feels like every minute I don’t know where she is or if she’s safe feels like my soul is ripping into shreds piece by an agonizing piece. Knowing Comp will make good on his threat, I decide I should get up and shower.

Turning my head to the side, I notice Mr. Trig sitting on the pillow. Crushing loneliness hits me right in the chest and with it, undeniable rage. Picking up the bear, I throw it across the room. Just the sight of it causing me to lose it. If I don't go to anger, I go to sadness, and I handle anger way better. Jumping up from the bed, I turn and punch the wall, my hand going straight through the drywall.

Before even trying to disengage my hand from the wall, I lean my forehead against it. I can't keep going on like this. If this is only three months and the agony of her loss only gets worse with each passing day, how can I possibly survive longer? Taking a deep breath and deciding to man the fuck up, I straighten my shoulders, remove my hand from the wall, and turn to pick up the fucking bear. I go to the other side of the room and bend down, grabbing him by the stupid-ass leather cut granting him “Property of Becks” I notice something white sticking out of the bottom of the vest. I pull, my eyes widening when I realize it's a note…. And it’s addressed to me.

Grease,

If you're reading this, then I’m probably gone. Hopefully, I just left the club and not the earth… okay, that might not have been the best joke. Scratch that out (I would, but I’ve had to rewrite this letter a hundred times, so here it goes). I don’t know what to say if you want to know the truth. There's so much, but so little, at the same time. So much I want the kids to know, the club, the beautiful old ladies.

I wish I had the words to express the safety and compassion I felt radiated from everyone there. I’ve never belonged anywhere. Until I moved there. With you and your family, Grease, I understand the meaning of family for the first time. I always had my mama, but we were the outcasts; we didn't belong, and everyone ensured we knew it.

I need to tell you how I feel. That's what this letter is about. I need to get it all out, especially if I was never brave enough to do it in person. First, please tell the ladies how much it killed me to turn down their friendships and invites over and over. I felt it necessary to keep a distance for my sanity and all your safety. It was hard growing close at all, knowing I would never get to stay.

The kids were impossible not to fall for. Each with their own different purpose and personality. I wish I could see them grow. To be there to help through the scary times, through the tears, and laughs… all of it. It kills me knowing they won't remember me. Maybe I’ll get lucky, and Rome, Rae, and maybe Mabel will fondly think of me in passing, but the younger kids… won't even know me anymore. That breaks my heart.

But never telling you how I truly felt breaks my heart the most. I’m not even sure if you will ever find this letter, but I need to get it off my chest. The first night I met you, I remember thinking I would follow this guy to the ends of the earth. I’ve never had that reaction, and to tell you the truth, it scared the shit out of me. I didn't believe in love at first sight, especially when I saw the town of men I grew up with. Then there you were, proving me wrong. I wanted to smile, and just as I did… you opened that infuriating mouth of yours. You might be a charmer, a fuck boy, and all around asshole, but I loved you all the same.

Fighting with you and sparing with our glares and words gave me life, something to look forward to. I always felt so special that I could get a dig at you that made that cocky smirk falter. I loved that I was the only one that could truly get under your skin. That you were vulnerable only to me. I loved it because the truth is you are the only person to ever get the real vulnerable me as well.

I’m sure by now you’ve heard why I’m running and who I'm running from. I need you to understand I hate myself for the thought of bringing this danger to your family, but I knew I was safe with you. I knew I should have left after a month of being there, but I loved you all too much. I did this to myself. I put myself in this position and had to leave to protect you all. I couldn't sit by and watch that little boy be hit and abused every single day. I couldn't sleep on the weekends, just wondering what torture they were doing to him while he was at home. Knowing he was safe at school was the only reason I got out of bed some days. He was the sweetest little boy. Had big blue eyes, a shade darker than yours. He was so soft-spoken, but gentle and kind. There is no way he could have done anything to deserve the abuse, the hits, the kicks, the burns…. I couldn't handle it. You would have loved him, though. Anyway, it’s all in the past now, and hopefully, out there somewhere, he’s safe…

I don't know where I am or what I might be doing at the moment, but there are a few things I wanted you to know…

One, just know that my time with y'all was the best time of my life.

Two, no matter where I am, I’m thinking about you. Please know I'm always thinking about you.

And Three, I love you with every fiber of my being. I always have. Since day one Grease, and I will love you for the rest of my life.

XOXO Yours,

Lyra “ Becky”

I drop the letter, and it falls to the floor from my fingertips. I feel wetness drip down my face. I don't realize what it is until I wipe my eyes.

“FUCK!!!!” I roar. The woman I love with everything in me loved me back? For years, she loved me back, and I just sat there throwing jabs and jokes her way constantly. I should have told her. I should have said it with a straight face, so she knew I meant it. I should have done so many things, but…. Would it have mattered? If I had said it, would she still have been distant? So much new information overflowing my brain. I need a fucking cigarette. I sit holding the note in one hand and the bear in the other. Sitting here, I go over the words again and again in my head. I do the same thing as I shower and then again as I walk the halls, heading outside for a smoke.

I'm just about to throw the bud into the trash can when a thought occurs. Thinking back on all those times with Lyra, I realize… she was always giving. She was never selfish. She asked nothing of us. She wanted nothing from us. Only a job and to watch the kids. On multiple occasions, she put herself in harm's way to save those children. After learning about her mom, I see where she got it from. It seems Lyra and Tizzy have no one but each other. They have given so much to people who never deserved it, which ends now. I will find my woman and give her the life she deserves.

With that new resolution set in place I swing open the door and head down the hall toward Church. I just enter the door to realize everyone is already there, and I’m the last one. I’m about to take my seat when the next words fill the room and my stomach with unbelievable tension.

“We’ve got her!”