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CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

I’d like to be more ….

His words echo through the still of the night—or maybe just through my brain. This is it. The crux of my dilemma. Because I want that too, more than anything, but I don’t deserve it.

Everything I’ve said about him being better than other people is true. He’s an incredible human being, and I’m… me. Not that I think I’m terrible, but I can recognize my own shortcomings, and I have… a few.

Some might say a lot.

I’ve been silent too long, because his face closes over, the animation in his expression fading. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. We won’t speak of this again.”

“No,” I blurt. “I mean, you haven’t made me uncomfortable. I…” Fuck. How do I say this without making it sound like a cliché?

“You don’t have to feel the same as I do,” he says gently, and that makes me feel even worse. He’s trying to make me feel better about rejecting him, and he doesn’t deserve that.

“I do, though.” I force myself to keep going. “I just… I don’t think I’m… worthy.” I almost choke on that word, but I can’t deny it’s true. Jaimin deserves someone who’s just as extraordinary as he is. And when he finds that person, I’ll loathe and despise them from afar, because if I get too close, there’s a good chance I’ll claw their eyes out. Or set them on fire.

“You don’t need to make excuses, Talon.” He’s still using his gentle voice.

“It’s not an excuse,” I protest. “I’m a level-2 mage whose studies have gone off the rails lately.” To be fair, that’s not really my fault. It’s the stone’s. “People all over the world adore you, but even the ones closest to me think I’m smart-mouthed and difficult. You should be with someone who everyone—” I stop. Was I really about to say that he should base his future relationship on what other people think?

“I see you’ve realized how ridiculous you’re being,” he says dryly. “While you’re trying to think of a way to phrase it that will actually make sense—which it won’t, since it doesn’t—let me tell you why I think you are, in fact, the right person for me.”

I don’t have an answer yet, so I simply nod.

“You’re a level-2 mage,” he repeats what I said, “but you’re one of the top ten percent of mages to have reached level-2 within the time that you did. You’re an exceptional Talent, though we both agree that’s an accident of birth rather than an achievement. But , unlike many exceptional Talents, you’ve actually worked hard to learn and progress your career. I admire that. You also teach while studying, which most, if not all, of your peers do not do.”

“I only teach because I’m forced to,” I point out, and he smiles.

“Do you? Who forces you?”

“The dean. I tried to resist,” I remind him.

“That’s right. The first year, you ignored your class until having them follow you around got too annoying. How long was that for, again?”

“A week.” He’s trying to make a point, and I’m fairly certain I’m not going to like it.

He nods. “A week. And if you hadn’t given in, how much longer do you think the dean would have allowed the first years to go without instruction?”

I open my mouth—and close it again. Is he right? Could I have won the game the dean and I were playing if I’d just held out a little longer?

Probably, yes.

“I see you’re catching on. So, not only do you teach the first years, arguably the most important teaching job there is, but you also have an unblemished record for keeping them alive. You put effort into teaching them the right way.”

“How do you know that?” It comes out more of a demand than a question.

His mouth quirks. “People may think you’re smart-mouthed and difficult, but they also recognize your positive traits. They might not like you, but they admire you. They talk about you. And you’re universally thought well of in the Healers’ academy for how you treat your students. We healers see a lot.”

I can’t help the glow of pride that warms me. I might not want to teach, but I do work hard for my students, even when they annoy me. It’s nice to know people recognize that.

“Don’t forget,” he adds, “that I’m seeing firsthand how worried you are about your students. We’ve talked about it. You check in with your master far more than you used to, and my guess is that it’s so you can ask about their welfare.”

I press my lips together. It’s true, but I hadn’t realized that he’d put the pieces together. It’s hard for me not to worry about Drey and Lenora and Cary and the rest. They were my responsibility, and I keep wondering if I fucked everything up and failed to give them a sufficient grounding in magic. Every time I see smoke in the distance—smoke that could be a normal sign of farm or village life or could be a sign of dragons burning zombies—I wonder if one of my students is there, supporting the mage paired with that dragon.

Jaimin’s not finished. “You’re also the only person the source of all creation deemed fit to be its guardian on this journey, and before you call yourself an errand boy or something like it, remember that the stone influenced others so it could be brought to you . It didn’t want anyone else. Right now, until we find the champion, you are the single most important person on the continent. But ultimately, none of that matters in this situation,” he continues. “What matters is that you’re clever and sharp and kindhearted. What matters is that I enjoy every second we spend together, even under these circumstances. I want to spend more time with you, all the time. When you smile, it makes me happy, and when you’re sad, it rips my heart out. I love talking to you, love the way you meet everyone on their own level no matter who they are, love that you’re looking out for Arimen even though nobody would blame you if you avoided him completely.”

I try not to wince at that. After all, I did try to avoid him completely, and I wasn’t exactly kind to him those first few days.

“I love your sense of responsibility even though I know you don’t want to be here. I love how much you loved your sister and the relationship you had with her. I look at you, and my whole body aches to be closer to you, but I would give that up and be content to just be your friend if I had to. Because having you in my life is better than not having you in my life.”

I’m speechless.

“The only thing that matters right now, Talon, is how you feel. If you don’t have those feelings for me, that’s okay. We’ll never speak of this again, and things will go back to how they were. What we’re doing is too important to be derailed. But if my suspicions are right and you do feel the same way I do?—”

“I do.” I cut him off. “Gods help me, I do. I… I couldn’t do this without you, but more importantly, I wouldn’t want to. You’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen, and you’re kind and intelligent and make me feel like the most special person in the world when you talk to me. I love the way you care about everyone, and the way you take charge sometimes like you were born to lead us all. I love the way you take such pleasure out of small things and the way your mouth is always smiling—like that!” I exclaim as his lips quirk. “I keep going on this mission because it’s my duty and Tia would have wanted me to, but when I think about going back to my life after… The only reason I want to keep existing when this is over is because you’re in the world and I won’t give up a second of time I could spend with you. I love… you. All of you. Everything about you. You.” I sputter to a stop, unable to tear my gaze away from his. Those brown eyes are so warm right now, warm and welcoming and sending me a message that I never dreamed I could see there.

“I’m going to kiss you now,” he murmurs, but before he can move, I swoop in and take his lips with mine.

Fire roars through me and only intensifies when he deepens the kiss, putting his arms around me and drawing our bodies together. Sitting the way that we are, it’s awkward, but I don’t care. It doesn’t matter—nothing does except the fact that I’m kissing Jaimin, that finally I’m touching him the way I’ve always wanted to. I’m kissing him, and he wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him.

Eventually, he breaks the kiss, though he doesn’t pull away. “More?” he murmurs against my mouth. “I want to know every part of you.”

“Every part of me belongs to you,” I promise.

Our clothes melt away amidst languid kisses that grow hotter and hotter, until we fall sideways to the lumpy mattress, wrapped in each other’s arms and the heat of our need. If I’d had a choice, the place I would have chosen to pleasure Jaimin for the first time would have a plush bed, silken sheets, rich wine, and a crackling fire. There would be an array of tempting foods for me to feed to him, plus a selection of the finest oils to use on each other.

Instead, we have a dusty, musty loft with an old mattress in an overlooked cabin. The fire has long given up, and dinner was… well, it was food. As for the oils—that’s a luxury we’ll have to work around for now.

But none of that matters with our bodies pressed together, our breath mingling. I have Jaimin; he has me. And as we writhe together, skin sliding against skin, and finally push each other to a pinnacle of joy, I acknowledge that Leicht was right.

I would have been an idiot to give this up.

And I never will.