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Liz

“Stop,” I say, pacing the grassy area just outside my back door.

“Stop what?” Jerry says and it only infuriates me more.

“If you don’t want this, if you can’t give me what I deserve, then stop calling me,” I say, my voice growing louder as I can’t gain control of my emotions. "Stop asking how I’m doing, stop worrying about who I’m going out with and where I’ve been. It’s none of your business.”

“So I can’t be concerned about your safety?” he says all calm and I hate how he’s always so unaffected. Like nothing penetrates the armor he has around him.

“No,” I practically shout. “You can’t because that isn’t what this is about. You don’t want me, but you don’t want me to have a life outside of this obsession you think I have with you. Like some fucked up game you’re playing, I’m the girl hanging on a string.”

“I’m not playing a game.”

“And that’s the worst part of all. Do you not see what you are doing?” Jerry says nothing.

“Go out with your side pieces, live your fucking life and let me live mine. You can’t have it both ways Jerry so stop wasting my damn time!”

“I care about you, Liz.”

“Fuck you, Jerry.” I hate more than anything that I care what he thinks. I don’t want to feel anything for him, I don’t want to want him.

“Just leave me alone,” I add and I swear I hear him whisper, “I can’t,” but I’m unsure. I could have imagined it. I probably did, because I want him to want me the way I want him.

“I’m moving on,” I say.

“What’s that mean?”

“It means I’m looking for a man that can give me everything I want. I’m done pretending this yo-yo effect with you is enough. Stop calling Jerry, stop asking about me, because I’m done worrying about who you are with or if you care. I’m done wishing for something I know will never happen.”

“Liz,” he says my name but I don’t pause.

“I do deserve more, and I’m going to find it.”

I end the call to the sounds of him shouting my name and when he calls back I send it straight to voicemail. I can’t do this, not anymore. My heart can’t take it.

“Liz?” I look up to find Emerson walking toward me with my niece strapped to her chest. All bundled up she gets closer and instantly it all hits me. “Are you okay?”

“No,” I say as the tears begin to fall. “I think moving here was a bad idea for me.”

“What?” Emerson moves in quickly and my niece is hugged snuggly in between us.

“You are exactly where you should be. You just have to know your worth, and it’s more than what he is offering you.

If Jerry can’t see how incredibly amazing you are and how he’d be lucky to breathe the same air as you, then you find a man that does. ”

“But what if my heart wants him?” I say because if there is anyone I can confess my truths to and not feel shame it’s Em. “What if he’s the man I see a life with?”

“I want for you what I have with Kelton,” she whispers as we rock Bailey from side to side. “Do you think Jerry is the man to give you those things?”

I don’t answer because I’m not strong enough to say them aloud. I’m not strong enough to admit that I’m willing to give up every dream I’ve ever had if he’d try.

I’m not this girl.

I’ve never been this girl.

I’m the one that most guys turn and walk away from. Because I’m the girl that knows what she wants, demands those things and doesn’t back down.

So why now is every strength I’ve ever had gone.

Why when I think of Jerry doing exactly what I just told him to do, am I terrified that he actually will?