Page 68 of Good Girl, Bad Blood

Ravi was interrupted by the scratching sound of a key as the front door clacked open. Three sets of feet padded against the floorboards. And then:

‘Pip?’ Her mum’s voice echoed, arriving in the kitchen just before she did. She looked at Pip with her eyebrows raised, whittling four angry lines down her forehead. She dropped the look for just a second to flash Ravi a smile, before turning back to Pip. ‘I saw your posters,’ she said, steadily. ‘When were you going to tell us about this?’

‘Uh . . .’ Pip began.

Her dad appeared in the room, carrying four brimming bags, clumsily walking through and breaking the eye contact between Pip and her mum as he dumped the shopping on the counters. Ravi took his opportunity in the brief interlude, standing and sliding his laptop under his arm. He stroked the back of Pip’s neck and said, ‘Good luck,’ before making his way to the door, saying his charmingly awkward goodbyes to her family.

Traitor.

Pip lowered her head, trying to disappear inside her plaid shirt, using her laptop as a shield between herself and her parents.

‘Pip?’

Fourteen

‘Hello?’

‘Yes, sorry.’ Pip closed her laptop, avoiding her mum’s gaze. ‘I was just saving something.’

‘What do those posters mean?’

Pip shuffled. ‘I think their meaning is pretty clear. Jamie’s gone missing.’

‘Don’t get smart with me,’ her mum said, one hand going to her hip: always a dangerous sign.

Pip’s dad paused putting the shopping away – once the fridge items had been done, of course – and was now leaning against the counter, almost exactly equidistant between Pip and her mum, yet far enough away that he was safe from the battle. He was good at that: making camp in the neutral ground, building a bridge.

‘Yes, it is what you think,’ Pip said, finally meeting her mother’s eyes. ‘Connor and Joanna are really worried. They think something’s happened to Jamie. So yes, I’m investigating his disappearance. And yes, I’m recording the investigation for season two of the show. They asked me to, and I said yes.’

‘But I don’t understand,’ her mum said, even though she understood perfectly well. Another of her tactics. ‘You were done with all this. After everything you went through last time. The danger you put yourself in.’

‘I know –’ Pip began, but her mum cut her off.

‘You ended up in the hospital, Pippa, with an overdose. They had to pump your stomach. You were being threatened by a now convicted killer.’ That was the only way Pip’s mum referred to Elliot Ward now. She couldn’t use the word, what he’d really been: a friend. That was too much. ‘And Barney –’

‘Mum, I know,’ Pip said, her voice rising, cracking as she fought to control it. ‘I know all the terrible things that happened last year because of me, I don’t need your constant reminders. I know, OK? I know I was selfish, I know I was obsessive, I know I was reckless and if I said sorry to you every day it still wouldn’t be enough, OK?’ Pip felt it, the pit in her stomach stirring, opening up to swallow her whole. ‘I’m sorry. I feel guilty all the time, so I don’t need you to tell me. I’m the expert in my own mistakes, I understand.’

‘So why would you choose to put yourself through anything like that again?’ her mum said, softening her voice and dropping the arm from her hip. Pip couldn’t tell what that meant, whether it was a sign of victory or defeat.

A high cartoonish giggling from the living room interrupted them.

‘Joshua.’ Her dad finally spoke. ‘Turn the TV down please!’

‘But it’s SpongeBob and it’s only on fourteen,’ a small voice shouted back.

‘Joshua . . .’

‘OK, OK.’

The noise from the TV quietened until Pip could no longer hear it over the humming in her ears. Dad settled back into his place, gesturing for them to continue.

‘Why?’ Her mum reiterated her last question, drawing a thick underline beneath it.

‘Because I have to,’ Pip said. ‘And if you want to know the truth, I said no. That was my choice. I told Connor I couldn’t do this again. So yesterday, I went to speak to the police to get them to actually investigate Jamie’s disappearance. I thought I could help that way. But they won’t do anything for Jamie, they can’t.’ Pip tucked her hands in under her elbows. ‘The truth is I didn’t really have a choice, once the police said no. I didn’t want to do it. But I can’t not do it. They asked me. They came to me. And what if I’d said no? What if Jamie is never found? What if he’s dead?’

‘Pip, it is not your job to –’

‘It isn’t my job, but it feels like my responsibility,’ she said. ‘I know you’ll both have a thousand arguments why that’s not true, but I’m telling you the way it feels. It is my responsibility because I started something and I can’t now take it back. Whatever it did to me, to all of us, I still solved a double murder case last year. Now I have six hundred thousand subscribers who will listen to me and I’m in a position to use that, to help people. To help Jamie. That’s why I had no choice. I might not be the only one who can help, but I’m the only one here right now. This is Jamie, Mum. I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to him and I said no because it was the easier choice. The safer choice. The choice my parents would want me to make. That’s why I’m doing it. Not because I want to, because I have to. I’ve accepted that, and I hope you both can too.’