Page 9

Remi

Standing at the window, I watched a family enjoying a picnic in the warm weather and fresh air. The mother threw her head back, laughing at something her son did, while the father hugged their daughter. By all accounts, they were the quintessential family, embodying all the characteristics of a perfect family.

On the outside, they looked normal.

Perfect in every way.

But they weren’t.

To the fleeting eye, they were just any normal family enjoying a perfect day. But that’s not what I saw. I saw a father who kept side glancing at the bevy of women walking by with lust in his eyes. I saw the mother who kept her eyes down, favoring her left arm. I saw the daughter who cringed and flinched as she tried to get away from her abuser, and I saw a little boy, neglected and lonely.

Under the watchful eyes of the world, they tricked and deceived every single person. Perception was everything, or so I learned. On the outside, no one was the wiser. The idea of venturing into the darkness to uncover the truth did not appeal to anyone. The truth wasn’t something most people cared about. No, people were too wrapped up in their own lives to take the time to see the truth before them.

They ignored the monsters that lurked in the darkness.

Monsters were everywhere.

“Remi?”

“Hmm?”

“I asked you a question.”

Looking over my shoulder at the pretty woman sitting in her comfortable chair, watching me intently as she waited for my response. I had been seeing Dr. Angelica Morales for weeks now. Not that I wanted to, but because Montana Stone insisted. He sent her all the way from New York City just for me. As far as I knew, I was her only patient, so I received all her attention.

I didn’t understand all the fuss.

I wasn’t special.

I never was.

I thought I was once, but then I realized I was just a nobody that no one gave a damn about.

I didn’t need to talk to anyone.

I was doing fine.

“How did you sleep last night?”

Turning back to the window, I muttered, “I didn’t.”

“Another nightmare?”

“It was worse.”

“How so?”

“I dreamed of him.”

“You dreamed of Reaper?”

“Yes.”

“Tell me about it.”

I sighed.

Stepping away from the window, I walked over to the comfortable couch in her living room and sat. All we did was talk about him. I didn’t want to anymore. I wanted to forget about him.

She leaned forward in her chair, reaching for her cup of tea. She always drank tea. I never liked tea. Too bitter for my tastes. I could never find the right combination I liked. I preferred a cold beer.

I wish I had one right now.

“What was the dream about?”

I knew she wouldn’t let this go. She would keep asking until I answered.

Instead, I said, “Jesse asked about him yesterday.”

“He’s almost three years old, Remi. It’s understandable he would ask about his father. What did you tell him?”

I shrugged my shoulders as I looked towards the window again.

I didn’t want to be here today.

“What I always say. That he is away.”

“Children are resilient and smarter than we give them credit for. We’ve never talked about how Reaper was with the children. Was he a good father?”

“Better than mine,” I whispered as my adoptive father’s face flashed in my head. Shaking off the image, I took a deep breath and added, “He was there. Is that what you want to know?”

“Tell me about Reaper’s relationship with the kids.”

“He doted on Jesse when he was born. Carried him everywhere. He hated being away from him.”

“And Emma?”

“She’s not saying much, but I know she misses him. He moved heaven and hell to find her.”

“That’s understandable. Would you say Reaper was a good father?”

Looking at my fingers, I nodded. “I guess.”

“Then why don’t you talk to Jesse about him?”

“Because I don’t want my son tainted with his memory.”

“Better to learn of his father from you than someone else. When a parent doesn’t talk about the other, children form their own impressions. Their curious natures will implore them to seek the truth. Does Emma ask about her dad?”

I nodded.

“She’s older. She remembers.”

“She’s also a girl who recently found her father, only to be taken away from him again. I imagine that must be very confusing for her. What is your relationship like with Emma?”

“It’s okay.”

“Just okay?”

“She wants to go back to Tennessee. She hates it here. She misses her friends.”

“That’s not what I asked, Remi. How is your relationship with Emma?”

I didn’t want to answer. I couldn’t. It was horrible. How could I tell Angelica that his daughter hated my guts? Blamed me for taking her away from him. That she wanted nothing to do with me.

“You know, Remi, therapy only works if you are truthful. I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.”

“Why should I? You already know everything.”

“Yes, I do, but I want to hear it from you. I have all the facts. Montana made sure of that, so did others. But what I want to know is the truth beneath the facts. Your feelings, your thoughts, your truth. I’ve been in this profession for years. I’ve helped many people with darker pasts than yours. Trust me when I say there is nothing you can tell me that I haven’t heard before.”

I slowly turned to look at the woman and challenged, “You sure about that?”

I walked the short distance next door and entered my home. Standing with my back against the door, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, fighting the urge to scream.

I fucking hated talking with Angelica.

She was nice and seemed genuinely concerned, but she would never understand. No one would. My life was dark. I didn’t live in the light like everyone else. I never would. In the wake of all the terrible things I had witnessed, the unbearable hardships I had endured, and the loss of everything I held dear, it left me with nothing but despair.

I should have kept running.

I should have told Tom to keep driving when he picked me up on the side of the road that day. If only I had never made the decision to seek him out, things might have been different for me.

Instead, I traded one nightmare for another.

One of my own making.

“Remi, is that you?”

Opening my eyes, I took another fortifying breath.

The day wasn’t over yet.

Show no fear.

Righting myself, I put on a brave face.

“Yeah. I’m back.”

Walking into the kitchen, I spotted my son sitting in his booster seat eating his lunch. His sister, beside him, reading a book, refusing to acknowledge me. Taking a seat at the table, I tried not to react when Emma scooted closer to Jesse. Instead, I looked up at the man who was leaning against the counter, watching me intently.

“Want to talk about it?”

Shaking my head, I said, “No.”

“Alright,” he replied, placing a cup on the counter. “If you don’t need me anymore, I’m gonna head home.”

“Thank you, Dakota.”

“No problem.” He winked, walking over to mess up Jesse’s hair, then he bopped Emma on the nose, and she smiled up at him.

A fucking genuine smile.

She smiled at everyone.

But not me.

Never me.

Dakota had just walked out the door when I jumped up and ran after him. “Dakota, wait.”

He stooped and faced me.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Is it possible to get a message to Ari?”

He cocked his head and asked, “Why?”

“Emma. She’s not happy here with me. Ari knows her better. I think she would be happier with someone she’s more comfortable with. Maybe she should stay with Ari and Ghost for a while. Plus, Emma is friends with Becca. I think Emma would like that.”

“Remi. Emma is your daughter.”

I slowly shook my head. “No. No, she’s not. She is his daughter. She hates me, Dakota. She’s not happy here. She hates me. She hates everything, including being homeschooled. She doesn’t want to be here. Stuck with me twenty-four seven. The person who took her away from him. She will never forgive me.”

“Remi,” Dakota sighed. “She’s hurt. She just found her dad and then, in the blink of an eye, she lost him again. She’s going to be angry. I know you don’t see it right now, but you and Emma are making progress. Give therapy a chance. Angelica is particularly good at what she does. Emma is where she needs to be. You take her away from her brother and the only mother she’s ever known. You will lose her forever.”

“You’re right,” I whispered, looking towards the waves that crashed against the beach. Sometimes I wanted so much to walk into the waters and disappear beneath and forget everything.

“Stop second-guessing yourself, Remi. You are doing everything right,” Dakota said, walking away.

I looked back at my therapist’s house, then the one where Dakota and his team lived. Sandwiched between my therapist and my jailer, I was stuck.

Okay. He wasn’t exactly my jailer, but it felt like that sometimes when all I wanted to do was to disappear into the void. I knew his heart was in the right place, but sometimes it was fruitless saving someone who didn’t want to be saved.

If they knew the truth about me, they would walk away and never look back.