Page 60 of Gambler’s Ruin (Calamity City Mafia #3)

My stomach twists. “What if Emily tells them about me?” I ask.

“She won’t,” Vortex says firmly before the thought can get too deep into my head. “We made it clear to her what would happen if she brought you into this. Prisons aren’t exactly free of people who owe the Spades.”

I swallow hard, but I nod. I have to hope they’re right.

I have to hope I’m safe.

“Paris called to gloat at me,” Havoc mumbles. “That’s, um, he’s one of the Diamantes. He claimed we were really lucky we got Valentín on his side, because the Lockwoods were very insistent on partnering with him.”

Caleb scoffs. “I think Valentín would have turned on them anyway, after he got a good sense of what they do. But I’m glad he chose not to get in with them in the first place.

As to your question, Seven, Vortex is right.

Emily has much more pressing things to worry about now.

And whoever’s running the operation now, they’ll be scrambling to pick up the pieces and stay under the radar.

They have too much on their plate to come after you. ”

I bite my bottom lip, but I nod.

I don’t know how I’m going to live , but in a lot of ways, it feels more terrifying than worrying about whether someone’s coming after me. At least that way, I knew what to expect. I hated being trapped at the casino, but I didn’t have to learn about the world outside.

I didn’t have to feel stupid and overwhelmed all the time.

“I don’t know if I can do it,” I say quietly.

“Do what?” Havoc asks. He reaches out and places his hand over mine.

“Go out there, with all of those people, where everything is so busy and crowded,” I say. “There’s so much I don’t know how to do.”

I know, in theory, that I did it before. I scrounged and scraped by, stole where I needed to, but it feels different now.

I’ve gotten used to being sheltered and safe within the Roi de Pique, and the idea of breaking that bubble terrifies me as much as I yearn for it.

Vortex gets closer to me, kissing the top of my head. “We’ll go slow.” He casts a pointed look at Havoc. “Maybe no museums at first.”

“Museums are slow,” Havoc points out with a scowl. “Especially on a weekday morning. You’re the one who wanted to take him shopping. That’s way more crowded.”

“Regardless,” Caleb interrupts. “Seven, staying inside won’t help you. We’ll support you every step of the way, but you can’t learn if you never try anything new.”

I know all of these things in theory, but it doesn’t make it any easier to accept. “Yeah,” I mumble. I’ve lost my appetite, and I poke at my tamale. I know it’s probably good, but it barely tastes like anything. “I want to go back to bed.”

I start to get up, but Vortex’s hand rests on my shoulder, and he gently but firmly keeps me in place.

“Spend some time with us, beautiful,” he says. The words aren’t a request.

“I don’t want to, Daddy,” I complain. “I want to go back to bed.”

“You want to ignore the world around you and pretend nothing happened,” Caleb says.

“But that won’t make it not have happened.

We don’t have to talk about things, but we’re insisting that you spend time with us, out here.

Play with Nacho and Miss K. Watch the lawyer anime.

Go downstairs and watch one of the drag shows. You have to do something , Seven.”

I don’t look at him. I don’t look at any of them. I can’t.

“What did you tell everyone?” I ask, thinking about running into anyone — the dealers, the queens, all the stagehands, Trent or Lori .

“That you were in an accident and were injured.” Caleb gives me a stern look. “Have I ever told them anything you didn’t want them to know?”

I shake my head, feeling thoroughly chastised.

Why are they being so nice? Why can’t they say the things I know they’re thinking, the ones that will reveal how mad they are, how stupid they think I am?

This gentleness, this understanding , is making my skin crawl.

“Okay, so what’s the plan, Seven?” Havoc asks. “Maybe we can learn some new moves to try out from your martial arts lawyers?—”

“Why are you pretending everything is okay?” I burst out, jerking away from Vortex. “Why aren’t you yelling at me for doing something stupid? Why aren’t you punishing me?”

The three of them share a glance.

“What did you do that deserves punishment?” Caleb asks slowly.

I stand up, ignoring the twinge in my back from the abrupt movement.

They’re right that it’s healed enough for me to move around, but I don’t want to admit it.

“I didn’t tell you she texted me. I went with her.

I put Lori at even more risk. And now I’m not even talking to her even though I know it’s hurting her.

Take your pick; I deserve to be punished for any of it, all of it. ”

Vortex gets up, too, but I duck out of his attempt to put an arm around me. “You don’t deserve to be punished, Seven.”

I try to go toward the bedroom door, but Havoc blocks me and grabs my arm. “You think we weren’t angry earlier? I was mad! But not at you. At Abigail Lockwood, at Emily. I was just terrified of what you were going through.”

Vortex is there, too, and between the two of them, I can’t move.

“But I was stupid, and you know I was stupid,” I argue.

“And we wouldn’t have found Lori if you hadn’t gone after her. You knew we’d come for you. None of us agree with what you did. We never would’ve let you. But we understand, Seven,” Vortex says.

“How do you want to be punished?” Caleb asks quietly.

Havoc’s gaze immediately snaps to him. “We aren’t punishing him, you dick.”

Vortex stays quiet, though, and this time when he goes to wrap an arm around me, I let him.

“I don’t know,” I tell him, “but I deserve it.”

“I know what punishment I want to give you,” Caleb says. “But you aren’t going to like it. So unless you tell me in the next five seconds what you want, it’ll be my version. I won’t give you easy outs. I won’t let you close your eyes or let go of me to stop it.”

My mind has gone completely blank.

The only thing I know for sure is that I don’t want to be whipped. I don’t know how long it’ll be before I can handle that again, but it won’t be soon.

Well, that and I don’t want to have to say nice things about myself, either.

“I don’t want you to do what you did the last time,” I say.

Vortex quirks a brow. “Last time?”

“Making you say nice things about yourself?” Caleb asks with a quirk of a smile. “I thought it was very effective.”

“I’m against all of this,” Havoc mutters. “We shouldn’t be punishing him.”

Vortex pulls me close, kissing me first on top of the head, then the forehead, then leaning down to kiss my lips. “Would it make you feel better to be punished?” he asks, ignoring Havoc.

I nod, tears welling up in my eyes. “I need to know I’m forgiven,” I whisper. “I’m sorry. I know it’s… it’s… it’s fucked up. But I can’t let go of it until it happens.”

“All right. Go to the bedroom, remove your clothes. On your stomach, so you don’t injure your back again.” Caleb steps closer to me and forces me to look him in the eyes. “No matter how much you cry and struggle, I won’t stop until I’m done. Got it?”

I nod again, something tightening in my chest. I’m wound up, and I need it. I don’t know what it is, but it has to be something that’ll let me move past it.

I turn and walk to the bedroom when he and Vortex let me go, pausing long enough to touch Havoc’s arm before going to the bedroom. I strip, then get onto my stomach. Anticipation and dread both pool inside of me, and I close my eyes.

I hear them discussing something in low voices. Havoc’s voice gets sharper, so whatever Caleb has planned must upset Havoc.

I’m glad for it. I don’t want something easy.

Their voices die down, and they finally join me in the bedroom.

“I’m going to spank you,” Caleb says casually. “Vortex and Havoc will keep count for you.”

I nod, relieved that there’s going to be something and that it’s something I can take. “Okay,” I whisper. “Thank you, Master.”

Caleb pulls his shirt off before coming to sit at the edge of the bed. He pats his thighs, and I go to drape myself over them. He settles one hand on the small of my back, away from the worst of my healing injuries, and the other on my ass.

“I’m going to keep going until I think we’ve gotten through to you,” Caleb says. “Are you ready?”

That strikes me as odd, but I whisper, “Yes, Master.”

“Good,” Vortex says. “You can do this, beautiful.”

Caleb rubs my ass gently, then raises his hand. I relax ahead of the impact.

It’s a loud sound, his open palm against my ass cheeks, and it burns. It doesn’t hurt , not like the whipping had, but my flesh heats up and I groan.

“One,” Havoc says quietly. “I think you’re the strongest person I’ve ever met, Seven. Seriously. You helped me get my head on straight and actually get my mom out of that shit situation.”

I tense.

It doesn’t take me long to realize what they’re doing. They aren’t going to make me say nice things about myself, but they’re going to do this to me.

“Master,” I croak out, shaking my head as those traitorous tears threaten to fall.

“You asked for it,” Caleb admonishes gently. He spanks me again, below the first blow.

“Two,” Vortex says. “No one has ever let me take care of them before. I don’t think you understand how much strength it takes to let someone do that, Seven. To admit that you’re vulnerable, to trust another person like that. You have had no reason to trust us, but you have .”

I whimper, burying my face against the bed.

Caleb lifts his hand, and I raise my ass for him, ignoring the twinge in my back. I moan at the impact, trying to focus on the pain. I don’t want to hear what they have to say.

“Three,” Caleb whispers. “I have never met anyone who tried as hard as you, Seven. You admitted you couldn’t do something, and you asked for help, and now you’re learning so fast. You’re making the effort to change. Most people don’t.”

I haven’t had a choice. Staying the same only leads to more misery, misery I don’t want to feel. It leads to scratches up and down my arms and wanting to die. It leads to pushing away the people who care about me.

It’s hard to hear — all of this is — but there’s a part of me that’s drinking up the praise so desperately.

“Four. I haven’t had this much fun with anyone, ever. The wrestling, the games, teaching you to fight and rolling around with you.” Havoc’s words heat me up more than the blow does.

I wonder if Caleb knows what happened in the gym that day.

I wonder if he’d know how happy it had made me.

The next blow sounds in the room, and I brace myself for what Vortex is going to say. He doesn’t make me wait for long, and I’m not sure if I’m grateful for that or not.

“Five. Your enthusiasm makes me see the world in a different light. The MMA fights, the drag queens, the other shows… working with people. I know it is all new to you, but you make it feel new to me, too,” Vortex says quietly. “Your kindness defies the cruelty of this world.”

I don’t think I’m kind. I had been so mean to Lori when she’d deserved sympathy. I’ve been ignoring her when I know she wants, maybe even needs, validation and someone to talk to. I resent her, and that makes me a bad person.

Doesn’t it?

I gasp when Caleb spanks me again, lower than the last time.

“Six. You’ve made me slow down and appreciate things outside of work. You made me care about my actual life. I learned I still had a heart because of you.” Caleb strokes my ass, gently pushing into the imprints he’d left behind.

Moaning, I lift my ass up into the touch, intensifying the feeling even more. He has changed since we’d first met, when he’d been so focused on work to the exclusion of everything else. He and Vortex have both stopped working as much.

Is it really because of me?

Caleb spanks me once more, not as hard as the last time.

“Seven,” Havoc whispers. “I love you. So fucking much.”

The words send a jolt through me, and I want to recoil from them. I want to pull away from them, deny them, panic and run away.

But he makes me feel safe and warm and…

And yes, loved. I didn’t have the right word for it before, not when I’d thought that what Abigail had offered me was love.

This is different, and I know it.

I still can’t get myself to speak around the lump in my throat even though I feel it. I think it so hard that maybe he’ll understand it anyway.

I love you, too.

Another spank.

“Seven,” Vortex repeats, and butterflies flutter in my stomach. “I love you. More than anything. I would do anything for you.”

I whimper, but it’s not quite because I’m rejecting the words. It’s more that I don’t know what to do with them any more than I had with Havoc.

I love you, too .

The next spank is barely more than a tap.

“Seven,” Caleb says with a rough voice. “I love you. I have never felt so much for anyone in my life.”

It’s both easiest and hardest to hear from Caleb. I know he’s never been this close to anyone; he’d made that clear when he’d prepared to put the tracker inside of me. But to hear it identified as love is something new entirely.

I want to say the words to him, too, but I’m not sure I can.

I love you, too .

Tears have begun spilling down my cheeks, and I’m not even sure when they started. For once, my mind is blissfully free of anything but their words.

Their love for me.

“You’re done,” Caleb says, setting his hand on my ass. “It’s over. You’re forgiven, and you’re loved.”

I squeeze my eyes closed, but the sobs that overtake me aren’t something I can stop. Even when Caleb pulls me up so that I can bury my face against his bare chest, I keep crying because I want to say the words back so much. I want to tell them why I love them, too.

Why are the words so hard? Now that I want to say them, now that I mean it, it’s so difficult.

It doesn’t feel fair.

“I—” I sob and take a gasping breath. “I love?—”

Havoc and Vortex sit down on either side of me, and they pet my hair and my shoulder.

“We know,” Havoc says. “You can take your time. We aren’t going anywhere.”

“We didn’t tell you to make you have to say it back,” Vortex says. “We’re patient. And you show it, Seven. We’ve known for a while, all of us.”

“Our feelings aren’t going to change,” Caleb adds. “So no more thinking we should be mad at you, or we should hate you, because you did something noble , all right? We love you.”

Abigail had said it, too, but it had been fake — or at the very least, conditional.

Caleb, Havoc, and Vortex mean it.

And even though I can’t say it back yet…

I mean it, too.