Page 19

Emily's hands sweat so much that she has had to get up twice to go to the bathroom, once to dry them with paper towels and once to wash them with soap and water. For a couple of days now, she's been experiencing a feeling she can't quite name. After Leah Walker told her she had a partner, Emily revived feelings she thought she had left in the past.

Now she sits in Dr. Eveline Mitchell's office, waiting for her turn. She's been turning the idea over in her mind for some time, especially after her mother recommended talking to someone else if she didn't feel strong enough to open up to her. Emily Harris has that problem: she's kept the most intense situations she's experienced locked inside herself, and that has ended up taking its toll.

The lobby has warm lighting, though in the back there's a large window that lets in natural light. The furniture seems carefully selected to avoid the coldness of a traditional clinic. A pair of armchairs upholstered in neutral tones rest next to a dark wooden coffee table, decorated with psychology and art magazines. A discreet aromatic diffuser spreads a soft lavender scent, creating a feeling of calm.

"Emily," calls a woman who appears to be about sixty years old. She wears gray linen pants and a white and red Japanese-style shirt. "Come in, please."

Immediately, Emily feels a little more relaxed. The woman makes calculated movements; her tone of voice is low and measured. All rehearsed to exude tranquility and make her patients feel comfortable.

"I'm Dr. Eveline Mitchell, but please call me Eveline," she says with a smile when they both enter the consultation room. "The title is hanging on the wall; I don't need it attached to my name. Sit wherever you like."

The lawyer stretches her lips and observes a two-seater sofa, a chaise lounge, and an armchair. She chooses the latter; she doesn't yet feel comfortable enough to use either of the other two.

Dr. Mitchell moves her chair—strategically located among the seats mentioned before—and positions herself at a prudent distance from Emily. She opens her notebook, writes something on one of the pages, and looks up.

"How are you, Emily?" she asks in a jovial tone. "What brings you to my office?"

Emily Harris loses all the confidence she had gained. She begins to scan the room without focusing on any specific point. Eveline, a woman seasoned in her profession, grants her a few seconds. She gets up and walks to a table installed in the back and takes out a couple of cups.

"Let's start with coffee. Or would you prefer tea?" asks the older woman.

Emily readjusts herself in the armchair.

"Coffee would be nice."

"With milk?"

"Please," Emily requests.

The psychiatrist inserts some capsules into the coffee machine. After a minute, the machine releases all kinds of sounds, and a delicious smell fills the space.

"This is one of my favorites," Eveline points out. "I admit these encapsulated coffees are more sugar and chemicals than actual coffee, but these blends—" the doctor sniffs her cup and closes her eyes to sigh, "—are a delight."

Emily feels comfortable again. She blows on her drink and takes a short sip. How right this woman is; it's a vanilla blend with a touch of cinnamon. Emily regrets not bringing a can of whipped cream with her.

"What do you do for a living?" the psychiatrist changes strategy.

Emily takes another sip of her coffee and looks at Eveline.

"I'm a lawyer," she smiles. "I work at the family firm."

"A great challenge," says the older woman, emphasizing with wide-open eyes. "I've always thought that working with family is quite a challenge."

"It is," Emily confirms, "but after so much time, everyone is involved in their own matters. That's made it so we don't have arguments or go through a bad time when we meet outside the office."

"That's good. So I must assume you're not here because of something related to your work," Eveline gets to the point she's been trying to reach from the beginning.

"No," the lawyer agrees. "It's more of a general issue, though I don't know where to start."

"That's the most complicated part, let me help you with that," the doctor replies and opens her notebook again. "You tell me you get along well with your family. Do you have many friends?"

Emily tilts her head slightly.

"Just enough. The truth is I keep some from college, although my cousin Emma is my best friend."

"Are you married?"

Emily shakes her head energetically. It's then that the experienced Dr. Mitchell notices a change in her patient. She has slightly tensed her shoulders and looked at the wall again.

"Well. I might be wrong, but I think I can sense that you've come to the consultation because there's something about love that's affecting your life."

Bingo.

"Yes. Well, it's something that, I don't know..."

Eveline closes the notebook again.

"Emily, this is a safe place," she opens her arms as if to encompass the entire space. "Sometimes it's difficult to explain how we feel, but somehow we have to start, and believe me, this is the right place. I'm not going to judge you; I'm going to listen to you and give you the tools so you can overcome what's happening to you. Say it however it comes out."

Emily puts the cup down on a low table beside her and takes a breath.

"I like a woman, we kissed. Twice," she emphasizes. "And then she told me she had a partner."

Eveline takes notes.

"How did that make you feel?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute, trying to recall everything she has felt since she met Leah Walker up to the day she told her she wasn't single.

"Disappointed," she finds the word.

"Angry?"

"No, not angry. She told me herself, she stopped the situation that was getting a bit out of hand. But yes, a lot of disappointment; I thought I could have a relationship with her, at least the beginning of one."

"I understand. Often, when we have feelings for someone and things don't flow as we want, we feel unhappy and even undeserving, but usually the feeling grows when we carry some event that has somehow marked us."

At that moment, Emily Harris feels her chest open up. It has been hard for her to start talking, but when the doctor mentioned the past, the lawyer felt it was time to let it all out.

She tells her about her college life and the romantic experiences she had there. None too remarkable until a few years later when she met Vanesa Cooper. She explains how their relationship was, her ex's betrayal, and the reunion they had the other day. Emily focuses especially on telling the psychiatrist how she has really been feeling all these years, what she doesn't tell anyone.

"It's very hard for me to verbalize these things. When the thing with Vanesa happened, I wasn't able to cry with anyone, to say that I felt such deep pain that I feared dying of sadness. Everyone assumed I was going through the typical breakup and that I even recovered quite quickly. It wasn't like that; I spent months crying, locking myself at home to lick my wounds. Alone."

"I understand that something similar happened to you with this woman you kissed; you didn't tell her how you felt after knowing she has a partner. Not to her or anyone else."

"I just left. I didn't say anything, and when I got home, I broke down. I spent hours crying, and I'm sure it wasn't because of her specifically, because I found out she wasn't available; I think what happened was the straw that broke the camel's back," Emily says, and a tear snakes down her face. "The next day I arrived at the office as if nothing had happened; even my cousin told me I looked radiant."

"You've learned to swallow your pain in such a professional way that no one notices you're having a hard time. You're very brave to come to therapy, Emily. Mental health is the most important thing, and many people don't give it the weight it deserves," says the psychiatrist as she offers her a tissue. "You have a lot built up, and what happened to you when you understood that you couldn't start a relationship with someone you like made everything explode, but that's why we're here, to work on it."

Eveline continues asking Emily questions. The lawyer opens up completely, tells her about the difficulty of finding someone who really connects with her, her "talent" for sports—causing several laughs that relax her even more—how much she likes her job, and her more personal tastes. The psychiatrist notes everything down, lets her talk while Emily explains some important aspects of her life, and sometimes interrupts her to make a contribution.

"If you keep going to the club, then you'll see her there, are you okay with that?" Eveline inquires after Emily told her that the woman she likes is her trainer.

"Honestly, I don't know. I wouldn't want to stop going to those classes; it took me a long time to find someone with the patience she has with me. Besides, we get along very well; the attraction came later."

"You're a very focused woman, Emily. You're able to accept everything that happens to you without fear of facing what you feel, so if you want to keep going to the club, go ahead," the doctor concedes. "The important thing is that you understand that at first, it will be a bit weird. Going back to the friendship box when you've come to like someone is complex. Don't worry, we'll analyze how you feel and take actions from there."

Emily expels the air she had trapped. She feels lighter; it seems that all that weight she decided to carry alone is starting to diminish. Mothers are often right, and hers hasn't been wrong in telling her on several occasions to talk to a professional.

Dr. Mitchell looks up at the clock hanging on the wall, writes down several phrases, and closes the notebook.

"We're running out of time, but I'll give you homework," the woman smiles at Emily's dramatic face. "You've taken a big step, and one of my goals is for you not to go back. First, I'd like to keep seeing you; it's your decision, of course, but I propose that for a month you come to my office once a week. Then, depending on your progress, we can space out the sessions more."

"I agree, Eveline. I don't want to keep feeling this way."

"You shouldn't, Emily. Well, so you can continue to make progress and re-establish a friendship, you need to talk to her. Tell her how you feel, what you experienced when she was honest with you, and your intention to continue with the classes as before, leaving behind that closeness you've had."

"Winning a trial seems easier," Emily complains, and Eveline smiles.

"I know it's a complicated step, but necessary. It's essential that you stop keeping things to yourself. At first, it will be difficult, but little by little, you'll start to let everything out. Then you'll choose who to open up to, and everything will be easier," the doctor explains. "Take your time; maybe you need a few days to talk to her."

Emily is clear that she does. The next class is tomorrow, and she doesn't feel able to see Leah yet.

"I'll do that," Emily says firmly.

"See you next week," the psychiatrist says goodbye once they have both stood up and are walking to the door. "And remember, Emily, you don't have to keep carrying all the weight by yourself."