Page 9 of Frankie and the Fed (Untamed Rascals #3)
W atching Lily with Duke was turning into a slow torture. Every time they were here, another needle was shoved under my toenail, another drop of water added to the cloth over my mouth, the voltage in the electricity running through me turned up, the fire branding me hotter than before.
I was happy for her, but it was a stark reminder that I was alone. Not for lack of trying. I’ve done nothing but try—over and over again with women all over the world—and inevitably it never worked out.
“What are we watching tonight?” I asked with a smile plastered on my face as I plopped down on the chair I had been relegated to when Duke was over.
“Oh,” Lily said, looking up from where she had been focused on Duke. She sat half sprawled on his lap, whispering something to him while she played with a button on his shirt. “Uh, go ahead and pick. We’re going to bed.”
“Sounds good,” I said, grabbing the remote and ignoring the twist of the knife that sat permanently lodged in my sternum. I needed to hit the road again. Get out of here.
I didn’t pick something to watch. If I didn’t leave now, I’d have to hear them. Nope. Not going to happen.
I slipped out of the door as quietly as I could and set off down the street. I’d get far enough away from the house and call a ride—just as soon as I decided where to go.
The night air pressed in, heavy and hot, bogging me down almost as much as the thought that this was it. My life would be me, my roommate, her boyfriend, and a job that made me want to tear out my hair on a good day.
Jamie came to mind when I thought of work. It hadn’t been quite so monotonous since she showed up, but of course it wouldn’t be. She slipped under my skin the second I saw her. Whether she was the woman that night or just the tour guide, I never stood a chance against her.
Maybe I just saw what I wanted in her. Projected my every pent-up frustration and need for something more than I had.
Which was absurd. I should just be grateful.
My life wasn’t terrible. I had everything I needed and many things I didn’t.
I had friends—well, a friend—money, so much fucking money it was absurd, a good career, a cute little house. This one thing wasn’t even a big deal.
I just… I wish I knew what I was doing wrong. Everyone seemed to find love. I would never say this out loud, but I kind of liked when Lily was oblivious to Duke’s in fatuation with her. At least then, it was us against the dating world.
Today was just a bad day. Maybe if I repeated that to myself enough, I’d believe it.
Car headlights flashed in front of me. I’d not noticed where I was until the lights illuminated the tall, tightly packed buildings that bordered this historic district. My favorite park was near here, just around the corner.
When my family stayed in the city when I was a child, I would sneak out at night and run away here to climb one of the old oak trees.
My nanny used to tell me stories of wood nymphs. I liked to pretend they were here, and I could tell them all my problems.
I turned toward the park, letting my feet carry me on the familiar path until I reached the gate—not nearly as easy to jump in my thirty-two-year-old body as it was when I was ten.
The brick path led straight and wide to a fountain at the center. I headed for it, looking for a penny as I walked to throw in.
I’d found three by the time I reached the fountain, their bare weight anchoring me to this moment, this place. Three wishes. I snorted at the irony, but I’d play the universe’s little game.
“I wish for world peace,” I said out of habit as I threw the first one. The first wish could never be just for me. Not that my wishes ever came true, certainly not that first one.
“I wish for Lily to be happy.” I tossed the second penny. It was true. I did want her to be happy, even though I longed for the days when it was just us. She deserved it, and as much as he rubbed me the wrong way, Duke was perfect for her.
It was the last wish that tripped me up. This one should be just for me.
I’d always felt guilty about it. I should have been happy. I had everything. None of that filled the yawning hole carving its way through me, bigger every time I examined it.
Happiness seemed like something I didn’t get, like I hadn’t earned it. If that was true, how could I possibly ask for it?
No, I couldn’t ask for happiness.
“I just want to belong,” I whispered into the night. The weight of the penny seemed to grow with my confession, infused with my longing, like the universe itself thought that was too big of a desire. I couldn’t take it back, though. That wasn’t how wishes worked.
I tossed the penny, aiming for the center of the fountain. It sliced through the flowing water into the part that was always sheltered by the cherub statue above and the water that poured from the bowl it swam in.
My lips twitched, but I couldn’t quite muster a smile. I sat there for a moment, running my hand through the cool water before finding my favorite tree.
I couldn’t climb it anymore, especially not in the ballet flats currently pinching my toes, but I could sit under it and think.
It’d grown in the years since I first came here. The once low branches—perfect for a child to climb—sat higher, broader, and thicker. Everything had changed, and yet I still felt like that lost little girl talking to the trees, wishing they could talk back .
“It’s not my family,” I said to the tree when I sat. “Well, they are always a problem. Maybe the root of all my problems. You know about roots, I’m sure.”
I laughed at my joke while I took off my wig and leaned back against the tree, letting the breeze cool my overheated scalp as the tree’s leaves rustled in response, as if it was laughing along with me.
I drew strength from the old oak, letting its roots be my roots, its trunk carry my weight, and its branches shield me from the world, giving the illusion of privacy. I could say everything I kept bottled inside.
“I just wish I knew why my skin felt wrong, you know? Like I don’t even belong in my body sometimes. I sound insane. How can the body I’ve been in my entire life feel like it isn’t even mine? Maybe I need a therapist and not a tree.” The smaller branches swayed in agreement.
“Too bad I can’t say any of this to a real person. Even if I didn’t think they would lock me in a padded room, my tongue would get in the way.”
I closed my eyes and ran my hands through the soft, dewy grass, letting the motion soothe me and unclench muscles I didn’t even realize I had. I sat there wishing for something I could never have until the soft blue of early dawn peaked out between the buildings surrounding the park.
“Thank you for listening,” I whispered to the oak as I pulled myself to my feet, grabbed my pink wig, and stumbled out of the park before the city woke and I had to pretend to be fine.
A figure clad in black and topped with sunny blonde hair darted from behind a brick fence post and around the corner so fast I could have imagined it.
When I followed, there was no one around.
I was so desperate for companionship that my mind conjured a stalker. Not just anyone, either. Jamie.
I shook my head and headed home, slipping in the back door before Lily and Duke even stirred.
The only thing I was sure about in life right now was how much Jamie had gotten under my skin. I needed to do something about that before she slipped away completely.
Secrets or not, she may be my only chance at easing this lonely, desperate ache that’s been plaguing me.
The perfect plan came to me as I slipped off to sleep. I just needed to wait until Monday when I would see her again to put it in place.