Page 16 of Forever and a Duke (The Bridewell Sisters #1)

CHAPTER 15

T he morning after Halford’s arrival, Griffin woke early with a smashing headache.

Lily’s warm, lush body lay curled against him, and the sight of her made his gut clench. He was only thankful he’d had so much to drink that he’d been asleep when she came to bed. He couldn’t bear it if he’d said something irrevocable, or done something awful, that she’d never forgive him for.

But as much as he wanted to savor her warmth, pull her closer, and never let go, another part of him yearned for escape. Perhaps it was cowardice, but he couldn’t bear to wake her, or face her.

So he’d risen from bed, his heart aching as he left her.

Then he’d washed and dressed and gone to the stables in the cold light of morning, saddled Apollo, and ridden hard across the dew-damp fields until the fear gripping him eased enough to allow him to breathe.

Lily was ever in his thoughts. She was the best part of his life. The only truly right thing he’d ever done was marry her. And the bond they’d formed, the way they were together, their insatiable hunger for each other, was more than he’d ever hoped for.

Yet what kept ringing in his head were her words spoken that day in the folly.

I want to be loved.

He hated himself for how much those words had terrified him.

It wasn’t the prospect of loving her. Loving Lily was easy, and she’d had his heart, if he was honest with himself, for years.

When he’d bedded other women in the past, it had been only about the act itself. Nothing was ever promised. Nothing more than pleasure and passion were ever expected from his past lovers.

And even in those years, his thoughts had turned to Lily. Each time he saw her on visits to Briarfield or when she came into town with Leo, he’d recognized how special she was. And he’d felt more yearning for her than he had for any other lady in his life.

Now she was his. His duchess. His partner. His lover.

Each time he kissed her, touched her, brought her pleasure, it felt consequential. A deepening of their connection. A moment that solidified their bond.

Though every time he thought of truly letting her in, of confessing all he’d felt for her for years, fear held him back. Fear that he’d disappoint her. That he’d fail in some spectacular way as he had in the past and it would crush her. Fear that he’d acknowledge how much he loved her, needed her, and would then lose her somehow.

In the folly the other day, he’d come so close to telling her how he felt. Showing her the drawings the first time they’d gone there had been a confession of sorts.

Yet he knew she yearned to hear the words, and she damned well deserved them every single day.

But if she knew the truth of how he’d been in the past—not his reputation but a true accounting of all the foolish, thoughtless, reckless things he’d done—would she still want his love? If she realized how his own misguided actions had inspired Leo to stride out onto that bloody Hampstead field, would she ever forgive him?

Loving Lily was the easiest thing he could imagine. Losing her was unthinkable.

The hell of it was that he knew she would not abandon their marriage or her duties as duchess. She was a woman who’d lived her life bound by and committed to her duty to others.

She would stay, but there would be an unbridgeable gulf between them.

Something in him had come alive in these days with her—when she eagerly returned his kisses, when she smiled so brightly every time he stepped into a room.

Imagining a cold, formal marriage like his parents had—one of civility and obligation and nothing more—felt like a slow death. And he couldn’t bear that with Lily.

He yanked Apollo to a stop at the crest of a hill, his breath coming fast, though whether from the hard ride or the thoughts tormenting him, he couldn’t say. The early morning mist curled around the fields below, softening the edges of the world as if offering him a moment of peace.

But there would be no peace until he resolved this.

He had to tell her. He had to trust her.

The problem was, he didn’t know how.

Griffin ran a hand through his hair, staring out at the vast fields of Rosemere, the estate he was bound to, just as he was now bound to Lily. After his parent’s example, he’d never expected to fall in love with the woman he married. And he’d certainly never expected this all-consuming need he felt to be close to his bride, to make her his partner in every way.

But if he wanted to be worthy of Lily, if he wanted the warmth and joy she brought into his life to last, he’d have to tell her the truth. Surely, what he wanted with her was worth the risk.

Turning Apollo back toward the house, Griffin rode with new purpose. He could not change what he had done, but perhaps, just perhaps, he could be the man Lily deserved.

Lily woke alone in the enormous ducal bed and stared up at the canopy for a long while.

She’d hoped to wake to find Griffin beside her. There was a great deal she needed to say. Questions she wanted to ask.

But if he’d felt bad enough to drink himself into a stupor, she understand that talking wasn’t likely what he wanted. She suspected he’d gone for a ride.

Though she was torn between giving him the time he needed and the yearning to be with him, she decided she had to try to bridge the gulf that had somehow grown between them last evening.

Somehow, though Leo had meant so much to both of them, they’d avoid any mention of him. That told her that his grief was as sharp as her own. But if their closeness meant anything, she hoped it had built a trust that would allow them to broach such painful topics together.

So she went to her room, washed and dressed, and made her way out the stables. She confirmed with the stable master that Griffin had taken Apollo for a ride. However, the horse was back now, getting a wipe down from one of the stable boys.

Griffin, however, was nowhere to be found.

“He walked that way, Your Grace,” the stable boy called to her.

“That way?” Lily confirmed.

The boy nodded.

“Thank you.” The boy had pointed in the direction of Briarfield, and Lily started off in that direction.

Then she saw him in the distance. He walked slowly, head dipped as if in contemplation.

Lily hesitated a moment. Then she broke into a run.

He must have heard her because he turned back. Lily stopped.

“Do you mind if we talk a bit?” she called to him.

“Talk?” he said as he approached in long, ground-eating strides.

Lily noticed the shadows under his eyes. The seriousness in his expression.

“Yes, let’s talk,” he said finally.

Lily swallowed against a sudden lump in her throat. Now that he was in front of her, all she wanted was to touch him. “Will you kiss me first?’’

A spark flickered in his eyes. “You’re certain you want me to?”

“Absolutely certain.” She didn’t wait and reached for him, sliding her hands up his chest, pressing her body into his.

He looked at her a long moment, licked his lips, and then cupped the back of her head and took her mouth in a hot, hungry kiss that stole her breath. He lifted her in his arms until she was on her toes, gripping her hip to pull her against his hardness. Even through their clothes, she could feel his heat, his need for her.

“God, I missed you,” he murmured against her lips.

“I didn’t go anywhere,” she told him, cupping his stubbled cheek. “You did.”

“I’m sorry, love.”

Lily stiffened at his use of the word she so longed to hear from him, and he released his hold on her.

“I know I owe you an explanation.” His gaze was stark as he ran a hand through his hair.

There was a pleading quality to the look in his eyes, and she began to feel the first hints of fear. Something had happened, or was about to, and from the look on his face, he dreaded all of it.

“Tell me what’s troubling you,” she said quietly and offered him her hand.

He worked his jaw as he stared at her. It was the first time since the day he proposed to her that he had not taken her hand eagerly when she offered it.

But Lily wouldn’t give up so easily. She kept her hand extended, waiting.

With a hard swallow, he took her hand and stunned her by getting onto one knee. He kissed her hand almost reverently, then he sat on the ground.

Lily lowered herself and sat next to him. She stroked her fingers along his sharp jaw, surprised to find it hard and tensed. “Please tell me. Let me help you if I can.”

He laughed at that, a low, rueful rumble. “You’ve always wanted to help others, whether they deserve it or not.”

Lily frowned. “Why don’t you deserve my help?”

“Because, my darling, I’ve been an arse. Rather spectacularly so.”

“Have you?” Lily shook her head. “You’ve been wonderful to me, you’ve?—”

“No, not in the way I should be.”

“I don’t understand.” A terrifying thought popped into her head and her heart ached in her chest. “Are you having regrets?”

“God, no! Not even for a second.” He turned and cupped her cheek, dipped his head, and kissed her far too briefly. “You are a gift I feel I do not deserve.”

Griffin raked a hand through his hair once more. It was now a tangled, appealing mass of twisted waves.

"I should have said this sooner," he began, his voice rough. "I should have told you everything before we ever married, before I ever touched you. But I was a coward. Not because I didn't love you, but because I did. I do . More than I ever thought possible."

Lily’s breath hitched, but she waited, afraid to interrupt.

"You said you wanted to be loved." His voice cracked slightly, and he shook his head. "I have loved you for so damned long, but I’ve been too much of a fool to tell you. And not because I didn’t want to, not even because of Leo. I feared you would turn away if you knew the truth.”

“What truth?” she whispered.

He swallowed hard and forced himself to continue.

“You know of my reputation. My past is full of reckless, selfishness actions I wish I could take back. I—" He hesitated, then seemed to force himself to continue. "Leo wasn’t attacked by ruffians. He wanted to face off with a man who’d insulted a lady. He wanted a bloody duel, but he wouldn’t have been on that field that day if it weren’t for me. My arrogance, my thoughtlessness, my damn pride—I led him into it, and I blame myself for it. If I had been the man I should have been, none of it would have happened."

He exhaled, his shoulders rising and falling. "I wake at night and fear that will be my legacy—failing the people I care for most. And you, Lily, are the most precious person in my life. The idea of failing you, of not being the man you deserve, terrifies me.”

He looked at her, his shoulders hunched, then cast his eyes down as if expecting her wrath or rejection. “I held back because I was afraid that if you knew the truth, you’d realize I’m not worthy of you."

He’d said so much, her mind spun. Her heart was lodged somewhere in her throat, and she was struggling not to cry.

"Griffin…” she whispered, her voice thick as she tried to make sense of all he’d said.

He let out a slow breath. "I don’t want to be my father. I don’t want a cold, distant marriage. I want you. Your smiles, your laughter, your endless kindness and fire. I want to love you exactly as you deserve. And I swear to you, I will spend every day proving that to you, if you’ll let me."

He squeezed her hand that he still held and bent to kiss it.

"I love you, Lily. And I will never hold back again."

“I…” Her insides felt tangled—half joy at his confession of loving her, half confusion at learning that her brother’s death wasn’t what she’d been told by the doctor who attended him that last night.

“I love you, Griffin. I have for longer than you know.”

His expression lifted in a beaming smile.

“But,” she rushed to add, “I wish someone had told me the truth about Leo. I wish you had told me the truth.”

His smile faded to a grave look. A haunted look. “You deserved that. I had some foolish notion of protecting him.”

Lily understood that part, or she’d surmised it. Duels were outlawed, and it seemed Leo had sought to be a part of one willingly. As a man attacked by an unknown assailants, he was an innocent victim. But she’d often wondered if there was more to it.

“You were there that night?”

“I was.” He closed his eyes as if recalling the moment. “He asked me to be his second. I tried to talk him out of it.” A shiver seemed to chase over him. “I’m not trying to absolve myself. We’d both had too much to drink, and I was a reckless fool to let it go that far.”

“Leo wouldn’t listen to you?”

He shook his head. “He believed he could win, I think.”

Lily jerked back. “Does anyone win a duel?”

“No, of course not. I regret every moment of that night, Lily. The guilt eats at me.”

Some part of her wanted to be angry with him, to have someone besides her brother to blame. But a greater part of her knew precisely how wildly stubborn Leo could be, especially when he was in his cups.

“You have every right to rage at me,” he told her in a resolved tone. “I deserve it and more.”

She shook her head. “I don’t want to rage at you.” Tears threatened. The pain of knowing Leo had willfully put his life in danger when all their futures were at stake made her feel raw and grief-stricken all over again.

“What do you want?” he asked softly. “Tell me and I’ll do it. If you want me to give you time on your own…”

“No.” Lily swiped at a tear. “I don’t want to be apart from you. Will you just hold me?”

His eyes flared in surprise. Then he pulled her into his arms.

Lily settled onto this lap, rested her head against his shoulder, and let the tears she’d been stemming come. She couldn’t cry delicately. The grief was too raw. The momentary break in the growing bond between her and Griffin was too recent.

Long, gasping sobs racked her frame, and Griffin held her, stroking her hair, her back.

“I’ve got you, love,” he whispered. “It’s all right.”

Then she felt a tremor rush through him and he exhaled a shuddering breath. He cried too. Not as long, not with the same heaving keens that had rattled out of her, but when her tears began to slow, she looked up to see the sheen on his cheeks.

“I love you,” she told him, feeling such relief at being able to say the words, at the knowledge that he returned her feelings in every way.

“I love you so much, Lily Kingsley. Even those words don’t feel like enough.” He kissed her tear-streaked cheek. “I adore you.” He pressed a kiss to her temple. “I admire you.” He hooked a finger under her chin. “I need you, and I should have told you as much before now.”

“I need you too. This closeness. This trust. Please know you can talk to me about anything.” Lily laid a hand on his chest. Both of their hearts were beating too fast, and she felt another tear streak down her face.

“I do. I will.” He bent and kissed her, gently at first, but then their hunger stoked it into a fiery plunder.

Lily shifted to straddle him. Griffin gripped her hips and trailed kisses down her neck.

They’d fallen so easily into being partners and lovers. The first days of their marriage had felt perfect, but she didn’t want perfect. Both of them knew too well that life was full of unexpected turns. Tragedy when one least expected it.

“Whatever comes, we’ll face it together,” she told him, reaching down to capture his gaze.

“We will. I promise. I’m sorry I closed you out last night. I won’t anymore.” He lifted her hand and pressed it against his chest. “You have my heart. You always will.”

She kissed him, leaning into him, her hand still captured between them.

Griffin slipped his hands under her dress, stroked them up her thighs, then gripped her hips to rock her body against his.

“We can’t make love in this field,” she whispered against his lips.

“Why not?” he asked as he dipped his head and nipped at her neck. “It’s our field.”

Lily laughed and scrambled off of his lap, then she laid down, stretching out in the field grass. “At least come down here where no one will see.”

He immediately positioned his body over hers, bracing himself above her, settling between her thighs. His body warmed her, and his eyes held such love that it made her dizzy. She closed her eyes, relishing his nearness. Feeling safe. Feeling loved.

“What are you thinking, my Aphrodite?”

“I’ve decided,” she said as she began to unfasten the buttons of his shirt.

“Oh yes?”

“Marrying you was the best decision I’ve ever made.”

He blinked, his eyes glistening. “I will make sure you never have reason to think differently.”

Lily wrapped an arm around his shoulders, lifted up, and kissed him with all the love in her heart.