Page 15 of Forever and a Duke (The Bridewell Sisters #1)

CHAPTER 14

T he guests had taken so keenly to dancing an hour or so after dinner was served that they’d hired the musicians to come back nightly. Even if some guest chose to sit in the drawing room, or some of the gentlemen withdrew to the billiards room, a few were always eager for a turn in Rosemere’s lavish ballroom.

Tonight, Griffin was eager to dance with Lily.

He’d failed to for so many years. He had a great deal of making up to do.

And after today in the folly, there’d been an inexplicable tension between them. Lily hadn’t said as much. In fact, she’d kissed and touched and smiled at him as she always did. But he knew that something wasn’t right inside himself.

He adored his wife and yet he could not tell her the words she deserved to hear. He could not even allow himself to fully feel the love he wished to give her. Something held him back. Like a dam had been built inside him, and he couldn’t seem to break through.

As he’d hoped, she entered the ballroom with her sisters.

The music had already begun and a few couples had taken to the dance floor. If tonight followed the same pattern as the previous one, guests would filter in and out as they pleased.

Lily looked strikingly beautiful in one of her new ball gowns. The sapphire blue fabric hugged her curves, and the low neckline made his mouth water.

He approached, and she smiled warmly. “Would you join me for a dance, Duchess?”

“Yes,” she said breathily.

He led her out and soon after the musicians struck up a waltz. Griffin savored the opportunity to hold her close, to breathe in her floral perfume, to get lost in how good it felt to have her in his arms.

As they stepped back and turned, Lily licked her lips, and there was a heat in her gaze that shot a maddening warmth through his belly, and lower.

Would he ever not have the urge to carry her up to their bedroom and make love to her?

As he led her into another turn, a figure appeared in his periphery. A gentleman, who he assumed must be Viscount Trenthorpe. Griffin knew he was a friend of his grandmother’s, and if he’d met the man, he couldn’t recall the occasion.

Lily turned to follow his gaze. “Our guests who arrived late,” she confirmed. “But where’s the daughter and her betrothed?”

As the tall, grey-haired viscount strode into the room, a couple followed behind him. A dark-haired, prim-looking young lady and a tall, lean young man.

Griffin stumbled the next step of the waltz. Then he stopped altogether.

“Griffin?” Lily’s soft voice came as if from far away. “What’s wrong?”

The young man locked eyes with Griffin and he seemed to be stuck in place too. Griffin saw the young man swallow hard, then he whispered something to the young lady on his arm.

Griffin was aware of Lily clasping his arm and striding with her off the dance floor. At the edge of the room, she pressed a gloved hand to his cheek.

“Please talk to me,” she urged. “What’s happened? Are you unwell?”

Griffin looked at her, and every part of him wanted to take her hand and walk out of the ballroom. He wanted to take her to into a room, lock the door, and keep all the rest of the world out.

Then the worst happened. The young man, Lord Halford, who he’d last seen on the night he most wanted to forget strode forward.

“Edgerton—”

“No.” Griffin felt the sound tear form his chest as much as heard it reverberating in the high-ceilinged room. “Not here.”

The music stopped. The dancing stalled. The small group of guests had all turned their attention toward whatever was unfolding on the edge of the room.

“Leave the ballroom. Have a staff member take you to my study. I’ll meet you there.” Griffin wasn’t certain how he got all the words out. His lungs felt empty. His chest felt hollow.

Lily still stood before him. He could feel the tension in her body, see the fear in her eyes.

And yet he couldn’t let her in. He couldn’t share the ugliness of that night with her. He’d wanted to protect all of them from it. Protect Leo’s reputation too.

Griffin lifted a shaking hand to her shoulder. “Forgive me, but I must speak with him.”

Then he stepped past her, walking woodenly toward his study.

In that moment, it felt right to stride away from her. She was all that was good and bright. Her love—and he could feel how much she loved him every single day—had even chased away the nightmares.

But he could feel all of that darkness closing in again now. Halford was the harbinger. The reckoning that he’d always sensed was coming, no matter how he tried to shut it out. Fend it off. Even after he’d married the most beautiful, wonderful woman he’d ever known and made her his own.

Halford was at the drinks cart, his hand hovering over a bottle when Griffin entered the quiet, dimly lit room.

“Have one,” he told him. “God knows I need one.”

Halford poured himself two fingers of whiskey, then lifted the decanter and crooked a brow at Griffin.

He nodded and the man poured the same again for him, then handed Griffin a glass before taking up his own.

While Griffin was savoring the burn of the liquor, Halford drew in a deep breath.

“I apologize, Edgerton. I knew it was a mistake to come.”

“Then why did you?”

“Eliza wanted to come with her uncle. He’s like a father to her.”

“Your betrothed?”

Halford nodded. “It’s that Eliza,” he added quietly.

“What Eliza?” Griffin’s head ached. His heart ached. He couldn’t make sense of anything.

“Eliza Fairchild.”

The name was there somewhere in Griffin’s memory, and then he heard it spoken in Leo’s voice.

Teach him to insult Miss Fairchild.

“Good God, were you already involved with her that night?”

“No!” Halford ducked his head. “Forgive me for shouting. But no. I went to her in the aftermath. I knew she was why Bridewell had challenged Pomeroy.”

Griffin pressed the heel of his hand to his forehead. Just hearing the name of the man who’d taken Leo’s life shot a searing pain through his skull.

“He’s dead, you know.”

Griffin snapped his head up. “Pomeroy?”

“Yes. He exiled himself to Italy and apparently caught a fever there only a few weeks ago. Never recovered.”

“Not much of a bloody loss.” Griffin winced as soon as the words were out. Lily would be horrified to hear him say such a thing. Her heart always yearned to help those who were ill and injured.

“Agreed,” Halford said succinctly, then swigged back a bit of the whiskey in his glass.

“How could you have befriended such a brute?” Griffin couldn’t stop himself.

“We weren’t friends. We were acquaintances at best, and I didn’t truly know what he was until that night.” Halford swallowed down the rest of his whiskey. “I was a fool. I’m sorry, Edgerton. I’d go back and do everything differently if I could.”

The utter sincerity in the man’s voice struck Griffin hard. His sentiments too. He would give anything to go back to that night and change it. Though it was more than just that night. He’d go back and be a different man, a better man, who never would have inspired his friend to stride out onto that field in the first place.

“We can’t change the past,” Griffin said the words that his grandmother had repeated to him so often in those weeks after Leo’s death.

“No. That’s the damnable truth of it.” Halford sighed heavily. “I’ll make my excuses and depart tonight, Edgerton. I thought…” He paused, twisted the cut crystal glass in his hand. “I thought you’d seen my name on the guest list and no longer felt enmity toward me.”

Griffin looked at the young man. “I don’t.” It was the truth. Halford had done his best to help that night. But he was with Griffin the moment he’d lost his best friend. He was the most tangible reminder of that pain—that hollow gaping ache that had opened up inside him that night and had still not fully healed.

“You should stay,” Griffin said. He didn’t want the gossip, the questions, and most of all, he didn’t want to cause Lily any distress. “Forgive me for…” Griffin gestured in the direction of the ballroom. “Causing a scene.”

“You were shocked. I could see it on your face.” Halford pressed his lips together. “I’m sorry to have caused that.”

Griffin could only incline his head in agreement. The shock still held him in its grip, forcing him to feel all the pain, all the regret, all the agony of that night all once again. Flashes of Leo filled his mind.

“You’ll say nothing.” He heard the hardness of his father’s voice in his tone.

“Of course not. I never would, and I never have. Not even to Eliza.”

“You should go back to her. I’m sure she’s worried,” Griffin told him.

Halford bent his head in leave-taking.

Griffin knew Lily was worried too, but he couldn’t go to her like this. His hands still shook. His mind was churning with memories of her brother’s death.

Instead, he went to the drinks cart and poured an unseemly amount of whiskey into his glass. He tipped it back and quaffed it deeply. The burn was intense, but even that didn’t blot out the ugliness of his thoughts. Didn’t stop the thundering ache in his head.

He’d sleep on the bloody miserable settee in his study tonight. He couldn’t subject Lily to his nightmares, and they would come back tonight. He knew it.

Taking another long drink, he thought of how it would hurt her. He hated the thought of it.

Yet, in that moment, as much as he wanted her, wanted to please her, he didn’t feel as if he deserved her sweetness, her attention, her love.

For the first time in a long while, his thoughts had turned black, and he wasn’t certain how to make his way back to her.

“May I have a word with you, Lily?”

Lily stopped short and gritted her teeth. She didn't have time for a confrontation with the dowager right now, but she turned on her heel and pasted on a friendly smile.

“What is it?”

“May I have a word with you privately?”

“May we speak later? I'm on my way to find Griffin. Lord Halford returned to the ballroom, but Griffin didn't. I think he's still in his study.”

The dowager nodded tightly. “Yes, I'm certain that he is, and I'm just as certain that is very much purposeful.”

Lily exhaled a huff of frustration. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that he likely wants or needs time alone.”

Lily’s hackles rose at that. “He won't want time alone from me. I can help him.”

The dowager dipped her head in acknowledgement. “You have helped him a great deal. I acknowledge that. I have seen it.” She locked her gaze with Lily meaningfully. “But it might be best to allow him some time.”

The dowager took a few steps toward her. “Please,” she said more softly than she’d ever spoken to Lily. “Please, may we talk privately? If you want to go to him afterwards, I won't stop you.”

Lily bristled. The dowager couldn't stop her now. She was the Duchess of Edgerton, and she wanted to see her husband.

But there was something in the dowager's eyes that she hadn't seen before. A softness. No, it wasn't softness. It was tenderness. Lily didn't think it was toward her. She suspected it was about Griffin.

She knew his grandmother loved him very much and that the feeling was mutual. Whatever her own feelings about the dowager, she knew that the two of them shared a strong bond.

“All right,” Lily relented. “We can speak for a few minutes, but then I am going in to check on him.”

“I understand.” The dowager led her into the library. A guest stood perusing a book, but with a single look from the dowager, the young nobleman scurried from the room.

The dowager closed the door behind him and slipped the lock.

“Shall we have a seat before the fire?”

Lily agreed. Shivers had been racking her body since Griffin left the ballroom.

Worry, fear, uncertainty had gripped her. In that moment on the edge of the dance floor, their connection seemed to be nothing to him. He’d shuttered himself, then walked away so easily.

She couldn't reach him, and that terrified her.

They arranged their chairs by the fire so that they sat facing each other. Then they sat silently for a moment. Lily could see that the dowager was struggling. It was something she'd never seen before. The older woman stared into the firelight, her brow pinched.

“There are things you should know,” the dowager began. “Perhaps I should have told you before as I knew that he would not.”

“What things?” Lily’s throat felt scratchy and raw. Anxiousness made her tap her foot against the carpet.

“First, let me say that I am terribly sorry for the loss of your brother. I understand it was a great loss to you. To all of your sisters. And it was a great loss to Griffin too.”

Lily swallowed back the tears stinging the corners of her eyes. She gripped the arms of the chair, willing herself to remain steady. To hold back her grief.

“In those months after the loss of his dearest friend, my grandson went to a very dark place.” The dowager swallowed, laid a hand against the choker at her throat. “There were moments when I feared I might lose him. I was as terrified as I've ever been. And I don't terrify easily.”

“No, I can tell that you don't. Are you saying that?—?”

“Yes. I feared the very worst.” She pressed a hand to mouth and then continued. “There were moments when his life did not seem to matter to him. He drank quite heavily. He may do so again tonight.” When she looked up at Lily, the dowager’s eyes glistened with tears. “It’s the young man who arrived with Trenthorpe, I think.”

“Lord Halford?”

“Yes. He seemed to spark some memory in Griffin. Perhaps he was present that awful night.”

Lily knew that Leo and Griffin had caroused with a changing group of young noblemen. She'd never heard Halford's name before, but that didn't mean anything.

“So that could be why Griffin reacted the way he did. Perhaps he hadn't seen him since that night.”

“I suspect as much.” The dowager nodded. “That look on Griffin’s face. I hadn’t seen it in months. That dreadful haunted look.”

“Like after Leo…”

“Yes. I had to ask the staff to watch over him, just so I could sleep. When he was in his cups, he would sometimes go down to the pond. Or ride Apollo.”

Lily hated thinking of Griffin being so reckless.

“His uncle died after a horseback ride, and his brother died in that pond.”

Lily flinched. “Oh my goodness, I had no idea. I knew Alexander had passed too young but...”

They’d never spoken of his brother, just as they’d never spoken of hers.

“You’ve both had too many losses in your young lives. You and Griffin. The loss of so many who should still be here.”

Lily tensed as the grief of Leo came back like a sharp bladed thing.

“But for some reason, the loss of your brother nearly destroyed him. That loss made him wish to destroy himself.”

The tears did come then, slipping down Lily's face. She couldn't stop them. The thought of losing Griffin brought a tightness in her chest that made it hard to draw breath.

In those early months of her grief, there were times when she'd resented Griffin because he had been with Leo in those last moments. She knew that he was close to Leo, that they were as close as brothers, and if he could have stopped what happened, he would have.

Now, hearing what his grandmother conveyed about his pain at that loss, it was further confirmation.

“He hadn't told me any of this,” Lily admitted.

“I didn't think he would. He got better after a while, but it took many, many months. And even then, he still wasn't quite himself.” His grandmother paused until Lily met her gaze. “Until he came to me and told me he wished to marry you.”

Lily swiped at her tears.

“He wishes to be a good duke, you see, but Griffin is tender-hearted,” the dowager explained. “That always made me fear for him. Because the tender hearted can be so easily broken.”

“He's not broken,” Lily told her fiercely. “He is a good duke. He's a good man.”

“I certainly believe so, but it heartens me greatly to hear you say it. You love him, don't you?”

“Yes, and I have for a very long time.”

His grandmother’s brows lifted. “I see.”

“I was completely taken with him, but he didn't know. And he didn't see me the same way.”

The dowager eyed her a long moment. “I wouldn't be so certain that he didn't see you the same way. He mentioned you many times. Never mentioned any other Bridewell sister. Only you.”

Lily swiped at her tears. “He sketched me when I didn't realize. So perhaps he did notice me. He’s very talented.”

His grandmother dipped her head. “Yes, I've seen some of his sketches.”

“You should see more of them. You should encourage that in him.”

The dowager emitted a heavy sigh. “Lily, as many duties as will fall on your shoulders, there are many more upon his.”

“I understand, but art is important to him. Just as it was to his mother.”

“He has no time for such endeavors anymore.”

“Well, then I’ll make sure he takes the time, because life has to be more than just duty.”

At that, all the dowager’s tenderness seemed fade, and she straightened her shoulders, squared her gaze.

Lily wouldn’t relent on this point. “I say that as someone who was willing to give all of myself to duty.” Her voice broke. Tears streamed down her face. No matter how often she swiped, they kept coming. “My mother died. Then Father. And then Leo. I told myself I could live for others, that I wanted nothing for myself.”

She sucked in a deep shuddery breath. “But all of us who have duties and responsibilities to others must acknowledge our own hearts too. Our passions and desires.” A smile touched her lips. “Griffin has talent and skill, and it brings him joy, I suspect. When I see a thing in need of mending, to do so gives me a satisfaction I can’t fully explain. Even cats and hedgehogs.”

The dowager groaned. “Must we return to this topic?”

“I’m going to keep taking in animals that need my help,” Lily told her, infusing her tone with the same thread of steel she’d learned from the dowager. “It’s not a topic that’s up for debate. The kittens and hedgehog are still here,” she confessed.

“Yes, I know.”

Lily gasped. “You do?”

“The staff at Rosemere are very loyal to the Kingsleys. Now that includes you and all your sisters, and apparently any ailing creature you are caring for. Robards himself insisted that he would safeguard Henrietta despite my protestations.”

Lily seamed her lips together but couldn’t hold back a grin.

“Just tell me,” the dowager said in a long-suffering tone, “will all the kittens become pets?”

“Some of them might. We will have pets at Rosemere beyond thoroughbreds in the stables. I can promise you that.”

“Wonderful,” the dowager said with what Lily thought might be a hint of amusement.

“We have a houseful of guests.” The dowager gestured and her diamond bracelet sparked. “Can you not give some of them away?”

Lily pursed her lips and considered it. “Maybe. Some vetting would be required. I'm not giving a kitten away to just anyone.”

The dowager’s chest heaved, and Lily realized it was a little ripple of laughter. “Goodness. What a young woman you are.”

“Thank you.” Lily almost held her breath, afraid to settle into what was, finally, seemed a genuine hint of approval.

“Will you always regret not becoming a doctor?”

“No.” Lily had no regrets. “It was a dream once, but now I want this life. A life with Griffin and my family.”

The dowager tipped her head. “I didn't know if you'd be up to all of this.”

“Yes. I wasn't prepared?—”

“But you’ve impressed me. You've surprised me. Not only have you been able to handle all the duties of hosting an enormous house party, but you find time for everything else too.” The dowager smiled, and it felt genuine and unfettered. “You're confident in who you are. I wasn't when I first married, so I admire that in you. Most of all, I'm very grateful for how Griffin has come alive since you've come into his life.”

“Oh.” Lily’s tears, which had dried, began again.

“I have never seen him so happy. Never. In all of his seven and twenty years, and I know that is, in large part, down to you.”

“Do you truly think I should leave him alone tonight?”

“No. Part of me wants you spare you from the anger that sometimes bursts out of him when he’s lost in his pain, but I’ve seen you two together. If anyone can help him through this, you can. Not only because Leo was your brother. Because of the connection you and Griffin share.”

The dowager leaned forward and placed a hand on Lily’s wrist. “I’ve also learned you’re stubborn and wouldn’t listen to me even if I told you to.”

“Yes, probably true.”

“It is true. Now go to him.”

When Lily shifted to rise from her chair, the dowager held her fast.

“Thank you for loving my grandson,” she said quietly, her voice thick with emotion.

“Thank you for seeing that I do.” Lily laid her free hand atop the dowager’s. “And thank you for accepting me as I am.”

After they’d both stood, the dowager turned to her once more. “You’re not any kind of duchess I've ever known before, but I see the promise in that now.”

Lily hesitated and then wrapped her arms around her grandmother-in-law. At first, Griffin’s grandmother stiffened, but then she held Lily lightly too.

Then Lily strode from the room to find Griffin. But he wasn’t in the study. Robards informed her that he’d gone to his bedchamber.

When she found him, he was passed out in bed, an empty whiskey decanter beside him.

Lily decided that all of her hosting duties could wait. The guests could make their way to their bedchambers, and the staff was capable enough to deal with any minor detail that might arise.

She undressed down to her chemise, tugged off Griffin’s boots, and then climbed into bed beside him.