Page 27 of For the Love of City

PORSHA

“YOU STILL HIDING that man?”

“Hey to you too ma.”

All I was trying to do was clean my house after a long day of work and my mama called me starting shit.

I knew it was because she wanted the best for me, but I didn’t know how to go after it in a healthy way.

What City and I had was good, as evidenced by her actually knowing who he was.

She met him last Thanksgiving and immediately told me she could see the connection between the two of us all over our faces.

“Ohhh sarcasm I must’ve touched a nerve.”

“Ain’t nobody sarcastic, because ain’t nobody hiding anyone.”

“Mmmmhmm. If the roles were reversed I’d be telling you he had six other wives in Zamunda or somewhere. But you wanna tell me you not playing that boy.”

I cackled cause she knew she was doing too much with that. “Not Zamunda, mama.”

“You know what the fuck I mean, Prissy. Why you playing with him?”

My eyes landed on the photo of us from the rodeo earlier this spring and my eyes went straight to Lyric. And the guilt immediately rose again. “I’m not trying to lose my friendship—”

“Girl, stop using Lyric as a scapegoat.”

“Ma!” I was pissed she’d called my ass out so fast.

“Nah, I’m tired of you giving that excuse cause you been using it for too fucking long.

If you can’t see by now that girl would love to have y’all together.

It’s because you don’t want to. A blind person could see how y’all feel about each other.

And I know you got better than 20/20 vision with the way you be putting them wigs on people’s heads and shit.

It’s giving scalp ain’t that what you say?

And you my child so I know you not dumb.

You just pretending to be stupid and for what?

You can’t be a pretty fool, Prissy. You got the pretty part down pat so sorry you gotta pick another lane.

” My mama’s voice was serious and I knew she wasn’t going to let this rest.

I flopped back on the silk sheets of my bed and closed my eyes, trying to get control of my temper. “Ma-”

She sighed like she was already over my foolishness when she hadn’t even given me a chance to defend myself. “You ain’t got to say it. I can already hear it.”

“I lost a lot of friends—”

“No, your path was cleared for you for your life to unfold the way it needed to. You ain’t have no problem, not one, making friends when you got up there. You befriended Billy and all these years later y’all still tight. Make that make sense.”

I chuckled thinking about the first time Wilhelmina Briggs walked into the salon, took one look at me and requested that I do her hair. She said she could tell I wasn’t about to play with her curls and she was right.

“Well, I knew Billy was a real one.”

“And just how did you know she was a real one?”

The question had me stuck because I didn’t really have an answer. “I just knew.”

“Same way you just knew with him, right? Cause I know my girl. You might get down on the first night specially if you ain’t gotta see him again. Cool. But you in a whole damn relationship, Porsha. A whole ass relationship that you keeping secret. And for what? Cause you scared?”

“Mama—”

Ma sucked her teeth and I could hear the attitude even before she spoke. “Don’t mama me. I watched you become scared and scarred behind a lame ass nigga who didn’t deserve to even sniff around your pussy in the first place. Puppy love will be the one to dog you out the quickest, Porsha.

“You crack me up, Toots. Ain’t got a lick of sense.”

My mama’s real name was Tabitha but she refused to let anyone call her that shit. She was so pissed at her mother for naming her after the Bewitched daughter. The richness of her skin and her love of Tootsie Rolls gave her a nickname that would stick for life.

“Yeah, okay. Call me crass or whatever but that boy didn’t deserve to be anywhere near you.

Me and your brother told you that shit. But you wanted to be flattered.

Let him talk you out of all your good damn sense and training.

You think I don’t know all the shit you got into behind that damn boy?

You lucky you never got caught. But just because you were a fool for love once doesn’t mean love is gonna make a fool out of you every time.

You ignored all the red flags and right now you trying to hide all the green ones. ”

She was right and I would take the hint but right now I felt there was so much getting ready to happen that anything else on my plate was going to make me shut down. I didn’t want to push Corey away simply because I couldn’t handle what I had going on in my life.

“Mama you just want tall grand babies.”

“And if I fucking do? I met that man twice and he earned my respect on the first day. He catered to you. Cared about you and spoke to you. To your soul. The desire to be cared for without having to ask. That’s what he gives you. And more than anything, the way you speak about him says it all.”

“Elaborate on that because it feels like you’re saying more than just words. I could be lying and saying that he’s a good dude to save face.”

I wasn’t prepared for how her voice softened when she spoke.

“You could be. But you not. When you talk about him, your voice lights up. Your spirit shines, baby. A nigga that puts you through hell? Your body wouldn’t react in a positive way.

You would feel and sound heavy Porsha. But whenever we talk and he comes up, I can hear the smile in your voice.

The joy that he’s brought back to you. Don’t lose that behind doubt.

Behind fear. And if you genuinely are concerned with Lyric being upset, girl fuck her she got a whole husband. You need to get yours.”

I bust out laughing cause in short she’d just said fuck Lyric. “Not you talking about my friend.”

“That’s my homegirl. I was listening to Lullabies last night.”

“Do I even wanna know why?”

She was giggling as she always did because Toots was transparent about all aspects of her life. “Nope. Not unless you wanna hear about your mama fucking.”

I gagged and got up from the bed angry that my mama had gotten dick more recently than me. I was happy that she had someone even though I was sure she’d never be serious about them. She might get dicked down, but nobody would ever replace my dad in her heart.

“See. Ma!”

“Anyway, Lyric ain’t a selfish friend. She doesn’t want you to miss out on living life just because of her. She definitely wouldn’t want him to miss out on his joy. Y’all doing it together and the shit working? It would make her happy as hell.”

“You’re assuming it would work.”

“No baby, I’m watching it work. Right now, as we speak. But then again, what does mama know? I’ve only known you since before you were born.”

“I need to have some kids so I can use that line on them instead of having it used on me.”

“You need to get on that before your eggs turn to dust. Yo’ old ass. Course the way that man be looking at you sometimes I’m sure he done scrambled the vast majority of them cause I know he be hurting you.”

“MA!”

“Girl, be so damn for real. Anyway, speaking of the past.”

My hand went to my forehead because she was giving me a headache. “Oh God, do we have to?” She seemed to throw stuff at me left and right and now she was bringing up old shit.

“I saw your homegirl the other day.”

“Really?” It was crazy that she was bringing up the one person who had me shy about the whole city situation in the first place.

“Uh huh. Talking ‘bout she want me to tell you she said what’s up.”

“She doing good?” That’s about all I could muster, because I didn’t have any issues with her. She was fighting for her family and in a way I had done her wrong.

“She got a new sponsor so I guess she wants you to feel some kinda way.”

I looked down at my fingers because none of this was news to me. “What number kid she on now?”

“Five, I think. I could be wrong. But she got a new car and shit. I understand why you made the decision that you did. Knowing that she was pregnant at the same time would’ve been enough for me, too.”

It no longer stung to talk about the abortion I had.

It was damn near twenty years ago and there was always the quick sting of what could have been, but then I would think of all the bullshit I would’ve had to deal with.

Link’s ass was still messing around with Trinity’s mom and she was further along than I was.

She thought that a second baby was going to lock him in and I wanted no parts of what they had going on.

I wasn’t about to fight over a man because I absolutely refused to.

So I bowed out and let her win. Some prize though.

The second baby didn’t keep him especially after his money fell off from not being able to use me or work with my brother.

Link had been in and out of jail according to my brother and mother.

I guess they felt like it would give me some morbid sense of satisfaction but really I just pitied them all.

“I was not about to be the mother of one half of some project twins. Especially not by a man like that. I might not like her, but I hope her kids are okay.”

“They seem to be good, but that oldest one is taking after her mama too much, though.”

Her words made my heart sink to hear. “What you mean?”

“Be out on the block. Switching and doing shit she sees the older girls do. I done warned away plenty of them boys around here and so has your brother. I might not be her grandmother, but I had that lil girl up in my house when you called yourself playing stepmama. I’ll try my best to protect her from afar if I can.

It ain’t like her mama telling her how to act and her daddy ain’t around so she gone do what she want to. ”

“And get attention from the wrong fucking people.” Which is exactly how her mama got pregnant with her all those years ago.