Page 20 of For Pucking Real (The Seattle Vipers #4)

FIFTEEN

LIA

Now

T he house is too quiet. Chloe's fast asleep in her bassinet next to the couch, one little hand curled around the edge of her blanket, her breaths slow and even.

Completely unaware that her father just fought someone on live television and not in his official enforcer capacity.

The peaceful rise and fall of her chest is at complete odds with the chaos I just witnessed unfold on screen.

I sit frozen, legs tucked under me, remote in one hand and my phone in the other.

My fingers are cramping from how tightly I'm gripping both.

Onscreen, the game replays on a loop. The fight.

The blood. Devan and Tobias. A storm of fists and heartbreak broadcast to the entire damn country.

The commentators keep using words like ‘unprecedented’ and ‘shocking rivalry’, completely oblivious to the real story beneath the surface.

I mute the volume, but the images are already seared into my mind.

Devan lunging across the ice, his normally playful expression twisted with fury.

Tobias swinging back, his usually controlled demeanor completely shattered.

The look in Devan's eyes before it all exploded, hurt, rage, grief, and something worse, betrayal.

Damn the close-up cameras for capturing all his pain.

The way his eyes glistened before his helmet visor came down. God, I can't unsee that.

My phone buzzes, the screen lighting up with notifications from our group chat. My stomach drops.

Brea: WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.

Alexis: Please tell me I didn't just watch our boys throw hands on live TV. Totally agree WTF is happening?

Brea: They were beating the crap out of each other. Like, full-on, gloves-off brawl. I've never seen Devan lose it like that. Even Ridley looked shocked.

Alexis: Devan doesn't fight. Not like that. My boy's a lover not a fighter. What the hell could've caused that? Tor said there was no bad blood between them at practice yesterday.

Brea: New guy energy? I don't know, but Devan looked pissed. Looks like your neighbor has caused a stir. Did something happen we don't know about?

They're right. Devan never fights like that, and Tobias. . .he looked just as broken. Just as raw. The way they both went at each other wasn't just hockey rivalry, it was personal. The kind of personal that has me rubbing away the growing ache in chest.

I haven't replied yet. My thumb hovers above the keyboard. What am I even supposed to say? Sorry, my unresolved love life just caused a team implosion? Sorry I've been too scared to commit to anything real and now two grown men are bleeding because of it?

Brea: Lia. You good? You're suspiciously quiet. (Eyes Emoji) I can feel your silence from across town.

Alexis: Girl. Say something. Don't make us come over there. Kodah is sleeping but I will do it. I'll wake up my child and drive across Seattle at night if I have to.

I take a long breath, heart hammering in my chest. I haven't told them about any of this.

I've kept my cards close to my chest. Brea's been busy in the studio and Alexis is in the same boat as me with a baby and career to juggle.

Plus, saying it out loud makes it real, and I've been avoiding real for so long now.

Me: I have a confession.

Brea: Here we fucking go. (clapping emoji) I've been waiting for this.

Alexis: Please spill all the tea. My popcorn is getting cold and I need some serious plot motivation. This is better than any romance novel I've written.

Me: Tobias and I kissed. Last night. In the kitchen. Well, he kissed me. Devan walked in and witnessed it all.

Brea: You're kidding. (Shocked Emoji) Like, full-on walked in DURING the kiss?

Alexis: OH. Well. Okay then. That. . .explains things. The blood. The violence. The ESPN analysts' confusion.

Me: It wasn't planned. We were just laughing.

He was feeding Chloe, and it was cute. The way his hands looked so big holding her tiny spoon.

The way he wiped avocado from her chin. I let my guard down.

Then he kissed me, and I didn't stop him.

Devan walked in and didn't say a word. He just took Chloe and left.

The look on his face. God, I can't get it out of my head.

I pause, staring at the blinking cursor, fingers trembling slightly. My throat feels tight. Then I keep typing, the words spilling out faster than I can filter them.

Me: I've been keeping Devan at arm's length for months.

I thought I was protecting myself. After my parents died, it felt safer to never rely on anyone again.

Besides my brother. I wanted to build something of my own.

My house. My business. My rules. Even when Devan showed up for me over and over again, I couldn't let him in.

Not all the way. Because what if he left too?

What if he stopped showing up? What if Chloe lost him like I lost my parents?

Brea: Lia. . .Don't let your past decide your future. Don't let what happened to me make you shut yourself off from what you really want. You've got a beautiful heart. Let someone love it. . .or ‘someones’. Life's too short for these walls you've built.

I blink fast, swallowing hard. My vision blurs as I stare at the screen, at the words that cut right through my carefully constructed defenses.

Alexis: This (One Hundred Emoji). You don't have to prove anything, Lia. Not to Ridley. Not to us. You're allowed to let people in. Even if it's messy. Even if it scares you. Even if sometimes they fight on national television because they both care so damn much.

Brea: You love Devan. That's obvious. Maybe you're falling for Tobias too. That's not failure, babe. That's just real. Complicated, messy, real. Embrace that shit. Stop running from the good parts because you're afraid they'll end.

Me: I don't want Tobias to get traded. I don’t know what this is with him yet. I know it’s something worth exploring. I don't want either of them to get hurt but I do think it's time I talk to them. Both of them.

I can't keep pretending this is something I can just avoid. I can't keep acting like it'll all sort itself out if I just design enough dresses or renovate enough rooms in this house.

Alexis: Big girl pants. Proud of you. (Smiling face emoji) You got this. If you need backup, I'm one text away.

Brea: You can do this! Don't worry, we've got your back no matter what happens. Team Lia all the way. (Though I'm slightly Team Devan because I've seen him with hearts in his eyes too many times to count.)

I power off the TV and look down at Chloe, still blissfully asleep. Her little eyelashes flutter against her cheeks, her mouth slightly open in that perfect baby pout. So innocent, so unaware of the mess her mama's made of everything.

"Mama's got some big decisions to make, kiddo," I whisper, brushing a finger over her soft curls. "But we'll figure it out. I promise." I trace the curve of her tiny ear, the same shape as Devan's. "No more running. No more hiding. Time to face the music."

They won't be home tomorrow. The team's on the road for a while. Hopefully the two of them can resolve their issues with each other while they are away. Or at least stop trying to rearrange each other's faces. When they get back we're going to talk.

All of us.

Hours after the fight, my bedroom feels too big, too empty.

The silence is deafening now that Chloe's finally down for the night.

I've been tossing and turning, replaying everything in my head like a broken record, the kiss with Tobias, the look on Devan's face when he walked in, the blood on the ice.

My king-sized bed feels like an ocean I'm drifting in alone, surrounded by the half-finished projects that define my life.

Fabric swatches for a new collection are scattered across my desk.

Paint samples for the kitchen remodel I've been avoiding are fanned out on my nightstand.

Everything in perfect, controlled chaos, except for my heart.

My eyelids grow heavy as I finally start to drift off, when my phone buzzes on the pillow next to me. The screen illuminates the darkness, casting shadows across my ceiling. Devan's name appears, and my stomach does that annoying little flip it always does when I see it.

Devan: I know you've seen the highlights. I fucked up. I'm sorry.

I sit up, pulling my knees to my chest, staring at those words. He's apologizing to me? After what I did? After I kissed his. . .what even is Tobias to him? Ex-teammate? Ex-lover? The past neither of us has really talked about?

My thumbs hover over the keyboard. What do I say? That I'm sorry too? That I've been pushing him away for months, keeping him at a distance while he shows up for Chloe, for me, every single time without complaint? That I'm a terrible co-parent?

Me: I've seen them. Are you okay? Your face looked pretty rough.

Three dots appear immediately, like he's waiting by his phone.

Devan: My face will heal. Not sure about the rest of me.

The guilt punches me in the chest, hard and unforgiving. I curl tighter around my phone.

Me: Dev, I'm sorry about what happened. With Tobias. In the kitchen.

Devan: You're allowed to kiss whoever you want, Lia. We're not. . .I mean, we never defined what we are.

Whose fault is that? Mine. Always mine. Every time he's tried to have that conversation, I've changed the subject or made some joke about not needing labels. Truth is, I've been terrified of the power those labels would give him over my heart.

Me: Everything will be okay. But you two need to talk. Like, really talk things out with Tobias.

Devan: Not sure he wants to hear anything I have to say.

I take a deep breath, fingers trembling slightly as I type the question I've been avoiding for months.

Me: Do you still have feelings for him?

The three dots appear, disappear, appear again. My heart hammers against my ribs as I wait. Finally:

Devan: It's complicated. I fucked up with Tobias a long time ago. Not sure I ever stopped fucking up since.

I press my forehead against my knees, eyes squeezed shut. There it is, the truth we've been dancing around since Tobias showed up in Seattle. In our lives. The history that's been hanging like a ghost between us.

Me: You're not a fuck-up, Dev. You're human. We all are.

Devan: You should've seen his face when I hit him, Li-Li. Like he was expecting it. Like he'd been waiting for me to let him down. Again.

I bite my lip, thinking about the way Tobias looks at Devan when he thinks no one's watching. Not with anger or resentment, but with this quiet longing. The same way Devan looks at me.

Me: What happened between you two? Back in college?

Another long pause.

Devan: I chose hockey over him. I chose my career, my image. I was too scared to be who I really was. He was ready. I wasn't. I left him, Lia. No note, no goodbye, just ghosted.

My throat tightens. I know what it's like to push people away because you're scared. To build walls so high no one can climb them.

Me: I want to talk to you both when you get back from the road trip. All of us. Together.

Devan: You sure about that?

Me: No. But I'm sure I want to fix whatever this is between us. All of us.

I hesitate, then add:

Me: But you need to fix what you broke first.

Three dots. A long pause.

Devan: I don't know if some things can be fixed, Li-Li.

Me: Maybe they can't be fixed. Maybe they can be rebuilt. Different but stronger.

I send the text, then add:

Me: Talk to him, Dev. Not with your fists this time.

Devan: What if he doesn't want to hear it?

Me: Then at least you tried. That's all any of us can do.

I set my phone down and stare at my ceiling, and the stars I painted there when I first designed this room in honor of my mother. "So you'll always find your way home," she'd said. Look to the stars when you're lost my sweet girl. Look up and you'll never be lost. The memory makes my eyes burn.

The thing about running is eventually you get tired. Eventually, you have to stop and face what's behind you. What if what I've been running from isn't pain or loss, but the possibility of something beautiful? Something real?

"It's time for me to find my way home," I mutter softly to myself.

My phone buzzes one more time.

Devan: I miss you, Li-Li. And Chloe. Every minute I'm away.

I clutch the phone to my chest, letting his words wash over me like a wave. For once, I don't fight the current.

Me: We miss you too. Come home in one piece. Both of you.

I set my phone on the nightstand and close my eyes, imagining a future where I'm not alone in this big bed, where the walls I've built don't keep everyone at a distance. It's terrifying. It's exhilarating.

For the first time in years, I fall asleep without checking the locks twice, without planning my escape route. Tonight, I dream of staying instead of running. Of finding my home not only in myself but in two men I want to share my life with.