Page 36 of Flagrant Foul (Totally Pucked #3)

“Well, that was usually when my dad had gone on a dark bender. That’s what I call it.

A dark bender. A light bender is fall-down drunk but happy.

A dark one is violent. When it was dark, I’d try to stay home for as long as I could for my mom, but when it got really bad, I’d bail and go to your place.

After a couple of weeks, my dad would notice I was gone, and he’d come over and drag me home.

I was so fucking embarrassed by him that I went with him quietly, so he wouldn’t cause a scene.

It was just how it always was. During my senior year, things had been particularly hairy, and I’d been crashing in Nate’s room for a while.

There were bruises on my back when I got there, but after a few days, I thought they were gone, so I took my shirt off in front of him. ”

He stops worrying the seam on the sofa and starts on the cuticle of his thumb instead.

I try to keep a handle on my face, but I’m not sure if I’m successful.

For me, the thought of someone hurting Sev now, as an adult, is bad enough.

It’s enough to make my skin crawl. To wake a dangerous fury in me.

The thought of it happening in his own home, when he was a child, makes me feel physically ill.

“I'll never forget how Nate looked when he saw them,” he says. “I don’t know how to describe it other than to say he started to, like, vibrate . He went white. I tried to explain it away, obviously. I was used to making excuses from having to change in locker rooms and all that. I had a few go-to explanations, and I gave Nate a bunch, but he didn’t buy it.

That whole day, he was quiet. He was being weird.

It threw me because I’d never seen him like that, and like I said, Nate’s predictable.

It’s his thing. He stayed really close to me that day at school and answered when I spoke to him, so I knew he wasn’t mad at me, but he was so…

other. It freaked me out. On the way home from school, instead of going to your house, he drove to mine.

I tried to talk him out of it as soon as I realized what he was doing.

Obviously, seeing my dad on a dark bender was the last thing I wanted for him, or for myself.

Until then, Nate kind of knew my home life wasn’t great, but he didn’t know , know.

He definitely hadn’t seen anything like it in real time, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, we got there, and I was shitting bricks doubly because I knew for sure my dad would be at his absolute worst, and I knew Nate would never see me in the same way again.

“I unlocked the door, and we went in, and my dad immediately started on me. ‘Where have you been? We needed you here. Don’t you care about your mother?’ All the usual shit.

He wasn’t expecting to see Nate with me, as I never brought people home with me, so he was taken aback when he saw him.

He kind of gaped and took a breath, and that was all it took.

We were in the entrance hall, and space was tight, so Nate had to get really close to him to get between us, but he did it. Fast.

“He didn’t even touch my dad, Tee. He just looked at him, and I swear to God, the threat radiated off him.

He kind of sucked the air out of the room.

He took all the power my dad had ever had and crushed it with his mind.

My dad’s eyes went really big, like he knew what was happening, but he didn’t move or say anything.

He knew he was in danger and his lizard brain took over.

He froze. And he was right. He was in danger.

Nate didn’t touch him. He didn’t need to.

All he did was talk. Really quietly. Really calmly.

Really clearly. He said, ‘Touch him again, and I’ll kill you. ’

“My dad jerked like he’d been shocked but didn’t do a thing to defend himself.

He just stood there, gawking.” Sev tries for a laugh but can’t quite get there.

“I guess people have an instinctive way of knowing when a threat is real because, after that, Nate asked me if I wanted to get any of my things and waited in the hall with my dad while I packed. They didn’t say another word to each other.

Afterward, Nate stopped at Mo’s and got me a Pepsi, and then we went to your place, and I stayed there until I graduated. ”

“Did it work? Did your dad leave you alone after that?”

“Yeah, it worked. It worked for fucking sure. My dad might be an ass, but he’s an ass that likes being alive.

I haven’t spent much time at home since then.

A day or two here and there during college to check on my mom, and I went back a couple of times the year I went pro, and he was fine to me then.

Drunk, but fine. I haven’t been back in years, but I’m pretty sure he won’t try that shit on me again.

He’s a dick and a bully, and like all bullies, he’s a coward.

It’s over for me with him, but not for my mom.

She’s still there, and I live with that every day. ”

The room falls silent.

It’s easily the most I’ve ever heard Sev talk in one sitting, and even the air around him seems to be in shock about it.

I feel a million things at once. Deep, terrible empathy that he had to live through this.

Violent, furious rage that men like Sev’s dad exist and treat their families like this.

Helpless, powerless dismay that his mom is still there, still living in that life.

But mostly, I feel gratitude. Endless gratitude and admiration that my brother, even at seventeen, was more of a man than most men will ever be.

I’m grateful he and Sev found each other, and even though it’s made me feel left out and less than more times than I can count over the years, I’m so fucking grateful they have each other.

“Tee,” Sev says, looking at me and letting me see all the things.

Things he’s proud of and things he’s ashamed of.

Things he keeps hidden and doesn’t talk about.

Things he wishes were different but can’t change.

My heart clenches again, and this time, it’s not for him.

It’s because I know the next thing he says is going to hurt.

“ This thing with you and me…it’s not that you’re crazy or imagining it.

It’s real. It exists, but other things exist too. ”

I swallow down a sob. “Like what?”

“Like, when I told Nate I was bi, he didn’t say, ‘It’s cool, bruh, as long as you know I don’t like you like that,’ like most straight guys do. He hugged me really tightly and said, ‘I love and support you, bud, always… Just don’t fuck with Teddy.’”

“He said that? But, I hadn’t even come out yet.”

“He always knew you were gay, Tee, and yeah, he said it in his car on our way home from school. It was the first thing he said. The first thing he thought when I told him. It’s the one thing he’s asked of me.

The only thing. And he’s not wrong. He knows me.

Knows what I’m like, where I’m from.” His voice goes very, very quiet.

“He knows I’m not good enough for you. That I’ll fuck things up and hurt you. ”

His words land like heat-treated steel pounding timber.

A hammer beating a nail into a coffin.

“You wanted to know who Nate is to me, Tee… He’s family.

He’s the one who knows me and still has my back.

The one who knows all the bad things. The one who knows that when I got my first big paycheck, I bought an ap artment for my mom here in Tampa, and that I’ve paid it off and furnished it.

It’s small, but it has everything she’ll need.

It’s not too far from here, and it’s half a country away from my dad.

She’ll be safe in it. Nate’s the one who knows that despite how hopeless it is, I call her every three months and tell her about it.

I tell her how different her life could be and how much I’ll help her when she leaves.

“He’s the one who knows that she always says the same thing when I ask her if she’s ready for me to come and get her.

‘He’ll change. He's getting better. I love him.’ And he’s the one who knows why I can’t give up on her.

But mostly, he's the one I’ll call when my mom finds the strength to remember who she is and leave.

Nate’s the one who’ll go to Alabaster with me and get her out of there.

He won’t ask any questions. He’ll drop everything and get on a plane and fly home with me, so I won’t have to deal with my dad on my own.

That’s who he is to me. What he is. So, it’s not that I don’t want you, it’s that I…

I need him in my life.” He bats the back of a bent finger under one eye.

“He’s my family. I won’t be okay without him. ”

Everything he’s said settles and begins to organize itself into something coherent.

The finality of it is staggering .

“Thank you for telling me,” I say, clamping my lips together to snuff out the sound of my heart breaking.

“It’s not what I wanted to hear, and I’m so fucking sorry that you went through that.

” A sob rushes to the surface and leaves me, and this time, I don’t fight it.

“I understand where you’re coming from now.

I didn’t know lots of the things you’ve told me, but I do now.

I appreciate you telling me because, for me, loving someone means loving them whole.

Good things and bad. Light, happy parts and dark parts too.

Love means knowing and accepting someone as they are, not as you want them to be or think they are.

And I do, Sev.” My voice cracks and an avalanche of tears begins to fall.

“I love you so fucking much, and I’m not going to stop.

I’ve tried for years to stop, and it hasn’t worked at all.

It’s only made me feel crazy and depressed.

So I’m going to keep loving you as you are…

” I sniff softly. “But I’m going to respect your decision. ”