Page 56 of Five

“Keep going.” He nods, eyes squinted a little, and my lips twist wryly. He’s trying to understand me but doesn’t wholly follow. I try to dig deeper; express this weird feeling I have in a way he can identify with.

“Everything has happened…is happening…at warp speed. I think I’m afraid to trust what I’m feeling, because how can I possibly be feeling these things after just a couple of days? I’m afraid to reach out and take it. Afraid that it’ll turn into a mirage…that it’ll just disappear as soon as I touch it.”

Apprehension lights his gaze. “We’re not going anywhere,” he says, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear.

It’s exactly what I need to hear, and yet…

“But how do you know that? We only just met. How can you say that you won’t get bored, or that I won’t be enough for you—“

He takes my face between his palms, cutting me off, and stares intently into my eyes. “Because I’m a grown-ass man, and I know, Neve. And the others do, too. I know things are moving fast, and you can slow them down anytime you want, but I realized almost immediately when I saw you that you were special, and further, that you were going to be special tous, as a group. I can’t explain it any better than that. It’s just one of those when you know, you really do know things.”

My throat tightens at his reassurance, choking my reply. God, he’s being so open, so vulnerable. Like it doesn’t faze him at all to share his feelings. I swallow. I need that boldness, need to put myself out there and trust that he’ll catch me—

“I felt the same way,” I manage, the words stiff. “Feel, I mean. But I also feel like I’m just a passenger, along for the ride. Jesse said I needed to take ownership of my own choices, and—“

“Jesse?” Oscar sits a little straighter. “Whoa… whoa. Back up a minute. What did he say?”

Shit.

“Nothing, really. I shouldn’t even have been there, but his attitude bothered me, and I wanted to make sure—“

“Neve. Slow down.” He takes my hands in his and waits until I fumble to a stop. Then: “So, let me get this straight. You went to speak to Jesse.”

“That’s where I was coming from when I ended up here.”

“Okay. Tell me what he said.”

There’s something about Oscar’s tone that sends a little frisson of alarm through me. I don’t want to get Jesse in trouble with the others. He must see that on my face because he squeezes my hands.

“It’s okay. I promise I won’t go off half-cocked.”

“You swear? Because Jesse didn’t do anything wrong.”

He licks his forefinger and crosses it over his chest. “Cross my heart.”

I regard him for another few seconds until I’m confident he means what he says, and then give in, telling him about my argument with Jesse. “He doesn’t believe I’m really here because I want to be,” I conclude. “He doesn’t trust that I’m ready for everything this entails.” I wave my hand around again, indicating the situation in general.

Oscar smiles a little. “Well, are you?”

I flinch back from him. “That’s not the reaction I was expecting.”

“Just keeping it real, sweetheart. I can tell you’re nervous. Unsure of things.”

I draw in a deep breath, release it slowly. I can still feel him, hard and insistent, between my legs, and heat blooms anew.

I really, really want to finish this conversation.

“That’s fair,” I concede. “Honestly, I don’t even know what I’m doing. I’m just playing things as they happen, minute to minute, so yeah…I’m probably not completely sure. Which is Jesse’s point—I’m just letting things happen, instead of making them happen.” I stop and my tongue darts out to wet my suddenly dry lips. “All I know is that I really like you. And I really like Oliver, and Remi, and Cope…and Jesse’s a turd, but I’m attracted to him in spite of myself…I—” I bury my face in my hands. “Dear God, what does that even say about me? I’m ridiculous.”

Oscar pries my hands away, dipping his head down so I’m forced to make eye contact. “First, Jesseisa turd.“ He chuckles a little. “He’s helped me and the others out of a few tough spots, though, and we understand his story, so we put up with his shit.”

I huff a laugh at the pun.

“He’s a good friend, and I trust him with my life….but yeah. He’s an ass. Second…you’re here because you want to be. You decided, right?”

I nod. “I decided to come, yes. Well…you and Caroline kind of decided for me—“

I am still debating this point, my tension draining slowly away, when Oscar puts a finger on my chin, tilting my jaw up.