Page 26 of First (After the End #1)

“Listen carefully. When you left, all Hel broke loose. My father wants a new general to be installed, and he’s going to do something very, very unwise, very soon, and…

Honestly, fuck him. That’s not the problem.

Not now. Not the biggest one. Sof, Lennart was very…

distressed while you were gone. I overheard my mother trying to calm him down.

He was screaming. He was worried about you going without a…

” She swallows. “Without a dose of something. About something running out.”

“I… What?”

“I confronted my mother last night. I asked her if there was some medication that you needed. I recalled that years ago, back when you still lived with your dad, you used to take that vitamin D supplement because you weren’t exposed to the light enough.”

“The one your mother kept buying for me, yes. But what—”

“I figured that’s what you needed, so I offered to bring it to you in the military wing, but Mom told me that I’d misheard.

She ordered me never to speak of it again.

But, Sof, I know what I heard. And when I thought it through, I realized that you hadn’t been taking that supplement in years, anyway.

I could not understand why Mom would be so cagey, but then Lennart brought you back, and the second you were nearby, I could smell you.

It’s like your previous scent but dozens of times stronger.

Like everything that you always were just broke through a dam.

And you know I love my mother, but I think…

Sofia, I think she may have done something terrible. ”

She lets my hands go as tears slide down both her cheeks.

I would like to cry, too. Maybe there would be some relief in that. But I am too busy taking in Lara’s words and reconstructing what really happened, the enormity of it, the complexity of such deceit.

Lady Larsen did send over boxes of supplements when I was younger.

She cared about my health because I was such a good friend to Lennart, and she pointed out that people who lived on the middle and lower levels often had vitamin deficiencies.

I was a healer in training, and I knew it to be true.

So, when she began buying me something that I couldn’t have otherwise afforded, I felt only gratitude.

And, of course, I took the pills religiously.

Once I moved to the Larsen wing, she stopped buying the pills for me.

It made sense, since I was no longer developing and had access to better nutrition.

I can’t imagine what Lady Larsen and Lennart may have been referring to, because for the past few years, there were no vitamins.

No pills or supplements. There were just…

Our nightly chats. That we always had over tea. Lady Larsen, coming to check on me every night. The feeling of being loved, and valued, and cared for—that this must be what having a mother would be like.

When was the last time I drank that tea?

She poured me some on the day of the ceremony, but my stomach was upset from anxiety, and I didn’t have any.

Not the night before either, because I spent it in Lara’s rooms. Nor the previous one.

It must have been three or four days ago, which means that if she was giving me some sort of suppressant drug, depending on the frequency and the dosage…

“Lara?” I say at last, feeling eerily calm. I am on the verge of something thunderous, but first I need to be sure.

“Yeah?”

“Will you help me?”

“Anything. Anything, Sof.” She wipes the back of a hand under her eyes. “I’m so sorry about what she—”

“This medicine, or drug, where would your mother keep it?”

“I don’t know. Her quarters, maybe?” She sniffles. “Yes, it has to be there.”

“Could you get us access to it?”

Her eyes widen in understanding, and she nods.

* * *

Lara and I don’t know how long we’ll have in Lady Larsen’s quarters before we’re interrupted, but we both agree that we’re willing to risk being discovered.

“After all, we are not the ones who should be hiding,” Lara says stubbornly. “I’ll take the washroom. It’s most logical for a vial of something to be there, but that might be the very reason she put it elsewhere.”

We’re not sure what we’re searching for, but I methodically make my way through the furniture in her rooms, opening drawers, rummaging through clothes. The minutes pass, and I find nothing resembling proof of what Lara suspects her mother has been doing.

And then I move to the bookshelf.

Paper is expensive, and physical books are a rarity. Lady Larsen loves to collect them, even in languages that she doesn’t speak. When I lift a large tome to check whether something was placed behind it, I hear the soft shuffle of something floating to the floor.

It’s a thick cream-colored paper, folded twice into itself. An old-school, formal letter. I recognize it, but I’ve rarely seen any, and only for extremely important matters. When I pick it up, I do it gently, almost afraid that it will crumble in my hands.

But it’s solid. Sturdy. Not an antique piece, but new. After I unfold it, I find that it’s not written in the same unfamiliar script of the books. The neat, scratchy penmanship flowing across the paper is easily readable.

Ms. Kuznetsov,

I don’t believe we have ever met, although it’s possible that on a few occasions we both attended the same functions.

My name is Gabriel Agard, and I used to work with your father, first as one of his apprentices in the engineering corps, and then as a soldier.

I regret not visiting Dr. Kuznetsov in his last few months, but I was not aware that his illness had progressed to such a critical extent, and my current employment has kept me busy.

I am writing to inquire whether you would reconsider your decision of not allowing my presence, and the presence of my command chain, at his funerary ceremony. Your father was, undoubtedly, one of the most influential figures in my life. With all that I owe him, I would love to pay my respects to—

“Sofia?”

Startled by Lady Larsen’s voice, I shoot to my feet, hiding the letter behind my back.

“What are you doing here?”

“I just— Nothing.” My fingers are trembling so hard, I lose my grip on the paper, which falls to the ground with a dull noise and calls Lady Larsen’s attention to itself.

Fuck, I think.

But why? I’ve done nothing wrong. Nothing. “Is it true?” I ask.

And it must be. Lady Larsen glances at the girl who came in with her, a young maid I don’t recall meeting before.

“Leave us,” she orders. And when we’re alone, the first thing she says is, “I don’t know what you were told, but before you jump to any conclusions, I want you to know that I never gave you anything that would cause irreversible damage. ”

Pure rage claws up my throat. I close my eyes, forcing my body to remember the lessons I’ve learned during my healer training. Breathe in and out. Calm down. Be in the moment. As tonelessly as I can manage, I ask, “What did you give me?”

“Just suppressants.” Her smile is at once sad and unapologetic. “Again, nothing harmful. It’s what Omegas take when they would like to postpone their heats.”

“When Omegas want to postpone their heats, they take suppressants for a week at the most.” My entire body is shaking. “You gave them to me for at least five years.”

“Yes, well, it was not ideal. Do not think that it was an easy choice. But I was reassured by someone I trust that it would not have long-term effects—”

“By whom? Because I am a healer, and let me assure you that I do not recall hearing of anyone taking suppressants for years on end.” I wipe my wet cheeks. “How could you? You are… You were like a mother to me.”

Her face hardens. “Yes. Well, Sofia, dear, you are like a daughter to me, too. But you are not my daughter. One day you and Lennart will have children, and you will understand that—”

“He knew,” I whisper. Of course he did. How could he not?

He knew. He was complicit in all of it.

Lady Larsen sighs deeply. “I love my son. I wanted him to be happy. And you were the key to that happiness. So when you first presented, he grew concerned that you might seek a union with an Alpha…”

“You poisoned me. I thought I—You stole this from me. My ability to feel pleasure, to grow into my body. To become myself.” I am a healer.

I made a vow to do no harm. And yet, every atom in my body wants to leap at this woman and make her hurt.

I want to pry her eyes out and eat her heart. Above all, I’m afraid that I will.

“It was always going to be temporary,” she says. “Just until your mating with Lennart was complete. It would have been a much shorter period if you hadn’t delayed it over and over.”

I laugh. “You’re a lunatic if you think that—”

Abruptly, all the lights go out, and the windowless room drops into darkness. A piercing sound slices through the air, so loud that I feel as though my ears are being slapped.

Lady Larsen screams, “What is happening?” She’s just a few feet away, but I can no longer make her out.

“It’s the emergency sirens,” I shout. “They’re activated when the air quality becomes too poor. You have to…”

All of a sudden, I feel too dizzy to stand. I lower myself to a crouch, trying to remember what Dad told me I was supposed to do in moments like this one.

I’m still doing that when the world vanishes around me.