Page 5

FIVE

KENJI

A vulnerable Landry was my Kryptonite.

It didn’t matter that he’d lured me into talking about my dreams, then admitted he’d been withholding the truth about his father’s illness. It didn’t even matter that he’d literally it’s-complicated me when I’d admitted it felt like he didn’t trust me.

Hearing the sadness in his voice as he talked about his dad was enough to make me want to fix it.

I was good at fixing things. I made a living fixing things. But I couldn’t fix this.

I could, however, distract him from it temporarily.

As expected, Landry ended the call immediately and dialed me back using FaceTime. Ever since the one time he couldn’t turn an existing call into a video call, he gave up trying. Now, he insisted on ending the call and starting a new one. It was ridiculous… but endearing.

Seeing his face made my chest constrict. “Hi,” I said stupidly. For some reason, all the saliva on Earth pooled in my mouth at once.

“Hey, gorgeous.”

Landry’s eyes were warm, and the edges crinkled with affection. People paid lots of money to look into those eyes, and here I was, getting the laser focus for free.

“Hi,” I said again.

“Get naked,” he replied with a grin.

“You’ve forgotten who the boss is in our getting-naked relationship.” My hands betrayed me, propping my phone on the nightstand before reaching for the buttons on my shirt.

“I haven’t forgotten.” He yanked a cable-knit sweater over his head, leaving his long hair messy. “Naked. Now .”

I’d swear he added an extra-growly vibration to his voice when he commanded me in bed—something too low for the human ear to hear but that my dick responded to like a dog whistle.

“Hey. I could give or take this little session,” I said, making my greatest attempt at a bold-faced lie to date. “Consider it a pity fuck.” My shirt slid off my shoulders and onto the tile floor of my room, and then I reached for the waistband of my shorts and shucked them down.

Landry’s eyes popped out of his head. “Is that a Speedo , Kenji Toma?”

Heat rushed to my face. “It’s a beach resort. I was on the beach.”

“In that ? Straighten up. Give daddy a little show.” The edges of his mouth quirked up, and his eyes brightened. I couldn’t help but devour his sculpted chest and shoulders, even though he still had a T-shirt on.

I rolled my eyes but stood a little straighter and turned so he could see my ass. I hadn’t spent half my life doing squats at the gym to miss an opportunity to see this man’s expression get even hungrier.

He let out a low wolf whistle. “Pan up and down. Step a little away and let me see your legs. Fuck, Kenj.”

I lifted one of my legs in an exaggerated froggy cowboy maneuver and made a stupid face. “I’m not a cam boy. You get what you pay for on this channel.”

He laughed while yanking off his shirt. “Okay, okay. But don’t take them off yet.” He unbuttoned his jeans and shimmied out of them, leaving a tight-fitting pair of black-patterned boxer briefs I recognized from an ad campaign he did once.

Landry’s blue-green eyes came closer to the camera. “Okay, now . But tease me a little while you do it.”

My cock was already getting hard, jutting out the front of the suit and pulling the waistband away from my lower belly. I ran my fingers down my chest and snuck them into the opening. Landry made a low groan.

I secretly loved turning Landry on. He was so easy, so expressive. But the commanding edge to him during sex made me want to roll over and show him my fucking belly.

Preening in front of him, watching him react, was one of the ways I retained a little control over the situation. Otherwise, I’d most likely collapse into a puddle of submissiveness… which would be absolutely unacceptable.

If Landry knew exactly how much I craved him, I’d never hear the end of it. And if he ever learned how much his slightly cocky, teasing way turned me on, he’d be insufferable.

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back, feeling the soft brush of my hair slide down my bare back. I stroked my cock inside the suit and let out a sigh of appreciation and relief.

“That’s it,” Landry murmured. “Cup your balls. Let me see the tip. Are you leaking?”

His voice washed over me, making my skin prickle and my nipples tighten. I used one hand to push down the front of the suit while I stroked up with the other and revealed my cock head, sticky with precum. I smoothed my thumb over it and brought it to my mouth, making a show of tasting it and sucking it.

“Oh fuck,” he breathed.

I opened my eyes and met his before pulling the suit completely off and using both hands to stroke and cup and tug myself.

“Kenji, fuck,” he said, over and over again. He yanked off his own underwear and lay on the bed, stretching out until his cock stood up from his neatly trimmed pubes.

I’d made fun of him once, early in our time together, for being excessively manscaped. He’d explained it was a professional requirement. That was the first time I’d stopped to think about how many people had seen Landry naked. About how many people got to have a say about how he maintained his body.

And it had made me white-hot with anger and jealousy.

I sat back on the bed and pulled my feet up so he could see my hole. The noise he made ramped up my heart rate. I ran a finger lightly over the crinkled skin and imagined it was Landry’s teasing touch.

“That’s it,” he said. “Push it inside for me. Finger yourself.”

I curled my toes but refused to do as he’d said. It felt too good keeping us both on the knife’s edge.

“Kenji,” he growled. “Where’s your lube?”

I swiped a finger over my slit and moved the sticky precum down to rub over my hole. He sucked in a breath and growled my name again.

The lube was under my pillow. I reached for it and poured some into my hand before moving it back down to stroke my cock. “You’re so impatient,” I warned.

“Turn around on all fours. Face down. Ass up. Give it to me.”

My cock jerked in my hand. I wanted to do what he said, and if he’d been there with me in person, I would have obeyed him right away. But for some reason, this… this distance… doing it over a screen… made me less compliant. Part of me felt like if I gave him everything he wanted, he wouldn’t come back for more. And I didn’t want to delve too deeply into that fucked up line of thought.

Instead, I pressed my finger inside, just the tiniest amount.

He groaned and closed his eyes, jacking his own cock faster for a few strokes. It was shiny already. He must have lubed it up when I wasn’t looking.

His voice held a growl. “Do what I say, Kenji.”

“Make me.”

He opened his eyes and met mine through the camera. “You know if I was there, you would move where I put you and do what I ask, right?”

My breath came in shallow gasps as the tantalizing sensation of my orgasm began. “That right?”

“You like to be good for me. You like it when I tell you what to do.”

“Never,” I said on a gasp. My release was right there .

“Put another finger in. Do it now.”

The second finger caused a delicious stretch. A slick sucking sound broke the silence as I moved them in and out.

“Another,” he commanded.

As soon as I felt the resistance of a third finger, my orgasm slammed into me, causing me to cry out. The sound of Landry’s broken curses added to the mix. Hot spunk landed on my stomach and fist and filled the air with the scent of sex. I opened my eyes in time to catch Landry with his head thrown back, tendons in stark relief against his neck.

He continued to groan and shudder through his own release while I devoured every inch of it with my eyes.

When he finally regained his senses, he gazed at the camera. “Come home.”

My heart did a swoopy thing in my chest. “I… I’m trying.” I swallowed and tried to come back down to earth. “Besides, you’re not even there.”

“I’m headed there as soon as I can.”

It took me a minute to realize he meant “home” as in… Majestic. “It probably makes more sense for me to go back to the city instead of all the way to Wyoming.”

A little crease formed between his eyebrows. “And miss Lellie’s birthday? It was one thing when you were going to be meditating with Chaska, but you can’t skip it just to stay in the city. You love that girl.”

It was true. I’d been following Lellie’s progress since she was an embryo, and Dev had put me in charge of making sure any child born out of his “donation” to his friend Katie was protected financially. I’d kept up a correspondence of sorts with Katie after Lellie was born, keeping up to date on her growth and welfare, and when Dev inherited custody of Lellie after Katie’s death, I’d finally gotten to become an active part of her life.

I missed her… almost as much as I missed Landry.

Which was a sign I’d fallen way too far off the don’t-give-a-shit wagon. This emotional nonsense needed to end.

I sat up and reached for a T-shirt, tossing it over my deflated dick. “I’m sure the Brotherhood doesn’t need their trusty executive assistant at the birthday festivities,” I said, wondering how to get off this call now that we’d had our fun.

“Dammit, don’t do that,” Landry snapped.

I blinked at him. “I beg your pardon?”

“After all this time, after everything we’ve been through, you’re going to act like you’re nothing more than our assistant? Are you fucking kidding me?”

This was veering dangerously close to emotional territory, and my mental sirens began clanging. “Ah… I think I’m due for a meditation session right now,” I said, looking around for my phone. It took me a few beats to realize it was the thing with the angry naked man on it, propped on my bedside table.

Fuck.

“Do not hang up that phone,” Landry warned. “We need to discuss this. Kenji?—”

I reached for the red button and ended the call.

I squeezed my eyes shut and cursed myself for being an idiot for inadvertently revealing too much.

I blamed effing Landry, with his rare vulnerability and his stellar orgasms, for this moment of weakness.

Of course I knew that I was more than “just” an assistant to the Brotherhood. They trusted me with their secrets. They relied on my advice. They respected my loyalty. I felt valued—more than valued—and it showed in the outrageously high salary that I made sure I earned every single day. I couldn’t have imagined being this happy or professionally fulfilled back when I was a desperate twenty-something New York newbie accepting a temp job.

But.

Was there a part of me that sometimes watched the five of them together—these men whose friendship had been forged through unimaginable wealth and incredible pain, whose bonds were so deep they called each other brother —and felt like a bit of an outsider? Maybe. Yeah. A little.

Was there a part of me that wondered, if I hadn’t spent my college years scurrying from job to class to job, or every free moment in my current life devoted to the Brotherhood—if I actually made time for socializing—whether I could have had friendships like theirs? Yeah, okay, maybe that, too.

So, it simply worked best to remind myself from time to time that their friendship wasn’t meant for me. That I had a different role in their lives and them in mine. Creating boundaries that protect my peace , like Chaska said.

Landry tried calling me back, but I sent it directly to voicemail. Unfortunately, while my finger was on the screen, a new text message popped in from Dev’s fiancé, and I inadvertently opened it.

Tully

Thank you for my Christmas present, Uncle Kenji! I miss you!

Ugh .

Below the text was a picture that wasn’t just cute but criminally cute. Lellie’s chubby face grinned up at me, her hair in a waterspout pigtail on top of her head. She wore a red-and-white-striped shirt with a white Peter Pan collar that I’d given her at Christmas, when I’d taken every opportunity to hold her and tell her how much her mother had loved her and how much her dads and uncles loved her, too.

It was one thing to try to keep boundaries with the adults in my life, but this happy toddler with her cheek-smacking kisses was a boundary-destroying machine.

She was also a potent reminder of the future I’d always wanted—a large, boisterous family to make up for the oppressively quiet household I’d grown up in, a devoted husband, a house that felt like home—but seemed unlikely to ever have.

In order to make it happen, I’d have to find someone interested in being the primary caregiver for our children. And they’d have to be okay taking second fiddle to my commitment to the men I worked for. They’d have to be responsible, caring, selfless, capable, committed .

Essentially, a unicorn.

Hence, my single life… and hence my inability to seriously consider Landry Davis as a serious potential partner. While I knew he also wanted kids one day—and was annoyingly great with them—he wasn’t in a position to settle down. Or maybe it was more accurate to say he didn’t show signs of wanting to settle down.

Although he did retire from modeling…

I blew out a breath and stood up. It might be late in England, but the sun was still up here in San Cordova. While I wasn’t due for a specific class, there were always meditation sessions I could join. It seemed to me this would be the perfect time to try and get back into a more grounded headspace.

One in which I stopped imagining what it would be like to settle down and have kids with Landry Davis.

I’d come here to focus. To evaluate. To strategize.

I hadn’t come here to fantasize.

“Let the sweetness of the drink remind you that joy is found in the simplest of moments. Cheers.”

Jamie’s voice was softened by the alcohol as well as the teasing grin on his face.

“This can’t be your first retreat if even your toasts sound like Chaska’s wisdom,” I said with a laugh. Jamie and I had shared several good conversations since arriving, and when he’d suggested drinks at the pool bar after our meditation session, I welcomed the distraction. That had been four fruity cocktails ago, and we were now knocking back fresh drinks and a tower of chicken nachos at a table between the bar and the sun loungers.

“Believe it or not, I was a retreat virgin before this. Although with views like these and company like yourself, I can imagine they’re addictive.” Jamie shot me a wink as he reached for another chip.

Island music played from hidden speakers while the warm breeze blew away the heat from the sun, and I decided maybe Jamie’s fake Chaska quote was right on the money.

I settled back in my chair and focused on being present in the moment.

The slight spice on the chicken. The cool sweetness of the rum punch. The low hum of conversation. The utter lack of needing to be anywhere other than here, indulging in this beautiful location with an attractive man who shared my interest in Chaska Inira’s ideology.

“You told me you live in New York, but you never mentioned what you do for a living,” Jamie said, stretching back in his chair and angling his long legs to catch the sun.

“I’m an executive assistant,” I said for what seemed like the millionth time on this trip. Asking someone’s occupation seemed the go-to conversation starter. “What about you?”

Jamie motioned to the bartender for another round of drinks. “I’m a finance director at an investment firm in London.”

“Ah. That explains how you can afford to spend a month at a place like this.”

He studied me with a grin. “And what’s your excuse?”

I shrugged modestly. “I’m well compensated. I also work my ass off. It took a team of five people to fill in for me this month.”

“You must be very good at your job.” The grin he shot me was halfway between flirty and merely friendly. “Do you like it? Are you achieving small daily fulfillments , as Chaska advises?”

“I love what I do. I love being essential to the smooth running of the business.” I grinned. “Some people might say I’m a workaholic, but I prefer to say I like being busy. Being busy and vital makes me happy.”

“Same. The men and women I’ve dated have rolled their eyes at me for being too ambitious, but personally, I think there’s nothing sexier than someone who knows what they want.” Jamie’s gaze met mine, and he lifted his glass in a little toast before draining the rest of his drink.

My face went hot, and I was grateful when the bartender appeared with fresh drinks and set them down in front of us with an easy smile. The local man stayed and chatted for a moment about the weather and locally sourced produce, his relaxed attitude reassuring us that whatever civil unrest was happening in the town of San Cordova was far removed from our experience here on the resort.

When he’d departed, Jamie glanced out at the water for a moment. “In yesterday’s session, Chaska asked us to consider what aligns with the person we wish to become. I’ve been thinking about that. What aligns with the person you wish to become? What would you need to be happier?”

I considered it for a minute. The alcohol—not to mention the lingering effects of my conversation with Landry—made my lips a little looser than normal.

“I’d like to find a partner and start a family,” I admitted. “But I don’t want to give up my job. It’s not about the money, and I’d give up city life in a heartbeat since I don’t really want to raise kids there anyway, but my job…” I shrugged. “Making my bosses’ lives easier aligns with both the person I am and the person I wish to become. As Chaska—and Marie Kondo—would say, it sparks joy.”

We shared a laugh, the kind that bordered on a giggle due to the sheer amount of fruity drinks we’d consumed.

“What about you?” I asked, sobering. “Do you want a family?”

Jamie’s hazel eyes crinkled at the edges as he smiled. “That’s a pickup line I’ve never heard before, Kenji.”

Heat rushed to my face again. “Not a pickup. I promise.”

He leaned forward and put his hand on my arm. “What if I’d like it to be?”

Suddenly, my relaxed good time came screeching to a halt. Jamie was an attractive, charismatic man. Blond and broad-shouldered. Wealthy, successful, and interesting. I should be excited by his interest… but instead of excitement, I felt a strange kind of discomfort.

“Oh,” I said stupidly. “Well. I mean…”

Jamie’s fingers brushed down my arm until they reached my hand where it rested on the table. “I came here to focus on myself, not hook up with people, but, as Chaska would say, ‘ Desire is a natural and beautiful part of the human experience. If your heart and mind are clear, and both souls involved embrace the connection with honesty and respect, then there is no need for justification. ’”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “You’re using Chaska wisdom to pick me up?”

His teeth flashed in his tanned face as he laughed. “Is it working?”

I let out a breath. “It would . It definitely would . You’re very charming. But, ah…”

“Oh.” His smile dimmed.

I opened my mouth to say some variation of It’s not you, it’s me , but then I closed it. “It’s complicated,” I said instead, parroting Landry’s words from earlier.

“There’s someone else.”

I winced. There shouldn’t be, but… “Yeah,” I admitted.

Jamie tilted his head. “So what’s the complication? Is he a bad boy? A married boy?”

“A stupid boy,” I muttered.

When the easy rumble of his laugh assured me he wasn’t too upset at my rejection, I forced myself to lower my shoulders. Jamie leaned back and reached for his drink, swirling it with his hand until the ice cubes tinkled in the glass. “Tell me about the stupid boy. What’s he done that’s so bad?”

“God, where to begin?” I jabbed my straw into my glass and tried to assemble my thoughts. The warm, bright sunshine and the cold alcohol made it difficult. “First of all, he’s beautiful.”

Jamie blinked.

So did I. I hadn’t intended to say that.

Just how much have I had to drink?

“Sounds awful,” Jamie said mildly.

“Well, it is awful,” I said, doubling down. “He’s got these eyes that just… boom !” I thumped myself in the chest for emphasis. “And don’t even get me started on the rest of him. His mouth, his abs, his voice?” I shivered. “Ridiculous. Worse, excessive . No one should have all those things.”

“Outrageous,” Jamie murmured. “How dare he?”

“He’s wealthy, too. I’m talking more money than sense sometimes. Mostly.” I leaned forward and whispered, “The man bought me a Louis Vuitton suitcase.”

“And you… don’t like it?” he guessed.

“What? No, I love it. It’s a Louis Vuitton suitcase ,” I repeated, like Jamie was being particularly dense. “The thing glides like butter. It’s fucking perfect. The absolute pinnacle of luggage. The Prince Charming of carry-ons. It’s the kind of thing I would never, ever buy myself. And now that I have one, no other luggage will ever compare. Which is why—” I jabbed my straw harder. “—he has no business giving me something like that and letting me get used to it in the first place. You see?”

Jamie wrinkled his nose. “Not entirely, I’m afraid.”

I ran a hand through my hair. “This isn’t coming out right. Just… trust me when I say, he’s a playboy, okay? He’s not about commitment.”

“Ah.” Jamie’s expression cleared. “Well, there you go. If the guy’s sleeping around when that’s not your arrangement…”

“No, it’s not like that.” I waved a hand. “Technically, we’ve been monogamous for the last three years. Not because it’s a rule.” I pointed a finger at Jamie for emphasis. “It isn’t . It’s a choice, with no expectations or promises. A choice he happens to have made repeatedly for the past three years, and so have I. But that’s all.”

“That’s all,” Jamie echoed. “Three years.”

“The question is, how long is that likely to last, really? You know?” The setting sun was doing strange things to my eyes, making Jamie’s face double, then merge again with every blink. “He’s not ready to settle down. He isn’t . No matter what he said to me at Christmas or how sweet and sad he looked when he said it.”

“Riiiight.” Jamie stretched the word out. “So, you’re saying… he’s not interested in having kids like you are?”

“No, he is. I mean, I think he is. Eventually.” I rolled my eyes. “I’m sure he hasn’t given a single thought to how to make it happen, though.”

“Okay, now I get it.” Jamie nodded sagely. “He’s not a go-getter. It’s hard to be a high achiever in a relationship with a person who doesn’t support your ambitions. I feel that, believe me.”

“Weeelll…” You couldn’t say a man who’d graduated from Yale, become a self-made billionaire before age twenty-five, and mustered the self-discipline to become one of the world’s highest-paid models wasn’t a high achiever, could you? “He has achieved some things. More things than I have,” I admitted.

“And is that a problem? Does he want you to give up your work?” Jamie was sitting back in his seat and looking at me strangely now, probably because I was attempting to murder my fruity cocktail with my straw rather than drink it.

“Oh, good god, no. He’s not jealous, and he’d die if I quit.” I snorted to myself, just imagining it. “He loves that I’m so good at what I do. Frankly, I think it turns him on. And he sometimes looks at me like I’m a superhero, which turns me on. And when you think about it, he’s probably the only man on Earth who wouldn’t care that I’m married to my job because it’d almost be like being married to him … except that we’re not married and never will be for all the reasons I mentioned.” I gave the icy remnants of my drink one last poke and set the glass on the table. “Now do you understand?”

“I think I’m beginning to.” Jamie smiled—a smile that was pure friendship and no flirtation whatsoever. “Poor stupid boy.” He sucked up the last bits of drink in his glass. “And poor you.”

I wanted to argue with this—clearly, I’d given Jamie some misconceptions about my situationship with Landry over the course of the conversation if he was feeling sympathetic toward him, and it seemed important to correct this—but when the bartender brought us yet another round, the thoughts flew out of my head like ripples across the pool, there one minute and then gone so quickly I couldn’t remember what we’d even been talking about.

By the time the sun went down, we’d been joined by several of the other retreat attendees. A local band came in and played live music while the warm breeze blew across the pool terrace from the beach.

Everyone was easy and friendly, and I realized I was glad I hadn’t been able to fly home early after all. Maybe there was something to this relaxation thing. I had another two weeks to enjoy my time here, learning and meditating during the day and then practicing having a social life at night. Maybe by the end of the remaining two weeks, I might feel less like a stiff workaholic and more like a regular human being with a work-life balance, and maybe this distance from Landry would eventually help me let go of him… though, admittedly, I hadn’t been doing great at that so far.

As I stumbled back to my room well past midnight, I overheard two resort employees whispering in a dramatic way. I glanced over at them to try and determine what was going on, but they immediately stopped their discussion, smiled, and wished me a good night.

I was too drunk to think much of it.

When I got back to my room, I forced myself not to check my phone. That way lay madness in the form of another jerk-off session or possibly phone sex, and I was too drunk to trust myself not to blurt out something I might cringe to remember. Instead, I used my remaining energy to wash my face, brush my teeth, and pass out.

If only I’d checked my phone.

By the time I woke up late into the morning, the resort was in chaos, San Cordova was under martial law, and all communication with the outside world had been shut down.